We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand

700 followers feel I’m worthy of your time.

100 posts already to my name.

30 years old next week.

2 humans breathed into existence because of me.

1 mind living in turmoil.

Inside this body.

That I call my own, but I don’t feel I own it completely anymore.

Everything I see now, feels familiar. I feel like everything I do now has been done before, yet it is both fresh and new.

I can’t even begin to explain to you what happened to me on Saturday night, but I’m changed.

Even more than last week, I’ve had another experience. One that was enough for me to actually question if I was real, or if my friend was real, or if were all just figments of my imagination. Or worse, someone else’s imagination.

As it stands, he thinks I was RIDICULOUSLY high.

But, since I take edibles, and they are individually portioned, I took the same as normal, maybe even less, since there was a huge almond in this portion and the piece I normally eat is the size of maybe 3 almonds all together… so it was mostly just nut if that makes sense?

Anyways, I wasn’t even that high… on weed at least.

But I wasn’t in my right mind I know that.

I also know I’ll never be in the same state of mind that I was before.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain what happened that night. At least not here on “paper.” This is something that I need a good 3 hours to just talk about so I don’t miss any details. But I’ll attempt.

It started as a major deja vu. Major, MAJOR.

Like you know you get those small moments where you feel you felt you’ve been there before etc? Well it started off like that. Except then it continued. To the point where I was predicting what was going to happen next because it was so familiar. And then the moments stretched into minutes. And the few minutes became over half an hour before I stopped even tracking it.

But then even more than deja vu, it was like all the pieces of my life, up until that point, began to fit together. I saw it in front of me like a wonderful puzzle where every piece was there for a purpose. I began to realize that everything had happened for a reason. For this reason. For this fuckin moment! The world began to spin and swirl all together. All my moments, and moments from my friend’s life, whose energy I’ve been feeling,  all our “pieces” fit together into the most beautiful puzzle.

We created a masterpiece with our lives. Except it wasn’t just moments from this life. It was since the beginning of time. Almost like we’ve lived many lives, and only just now, in that moment did it all make sense (I didn’t even consider reincarnation a possibility until this night) And as the deja vu was happening, time became faster and faster, and everything sped up and swirled,  wrapping up everything from our lives to complete this mosaic.

Then as the swirling stopped and the pieces all came together and it was the world but even more than that it was the universe and the knowledge that came with it was placed in my head, obviously not everything ever known, but I think the ability to reach it.

Then everything began to shrink. More and more. I watched my hands age in front of my face (I got skinnier which was a bonus, but beside the point)

And every memory I’ve ever had began to shrink with it, quicker and quicker, smaller and smaller, yet twirling still. Until I was looking at my hands and at my pinched fingers and it was all but a speck of dust so to speak, and my panic rose because I felt that when the universe, once it was gone, would take me with it. I thought I was going to die this feeling was so intense.

But when even the universe, both so immense, yet smaller than a speck of dust dissipated to nothing, time froze. And my breath with it.

Until I caught my breath and my voice came with it. But at this moment there was nothing. I was in my room. I know this because I just know. But at the time, there was nothing, yet there was everything.

Then my voice, started out ever so slowly, quietly, and unprovoked on its own.

‘This,

is

the

birth

of

love’

No other sound or movement. Just pure energy from within.

And then the words became increasingly faster and then music joined them. And I knew in that moment, we had created the most beautiful love song. I can’t remember all the words I spoke, or even begin to comprehend why I spoke them. All I know is that somehow, I both spoke, and sang and somehow made music with my mouth all at the same time.

And as our song unraveled, it was joined by knowledge.

More knowledge then I’ve ever held. Unwinding from within me. Like everything had been poured into a funnel, swirling to the tip, and now was slowly trickling out the bottom. Fresh and new.

It’s almost like the funnel and the swirling was representative of the end of…something. An era. And now all the pieces of that time had finally come together and now I am starting again.

But what is coming out the other end is terrifying. And amazing.

Then, I felt my friend. His energy. And it consumed me.  More than anything I’ve ever felt. And his “spirit/soul/energy’ talked to me. And we just loved each other. And we talked. Not a word was spoken, but our consciousness were connected. We apologise for the past, and made plans for the future, just everything, but mostly it was love.

His energy took the time to show me things in my life. About how my seizure were a way of our energies trying to connect. How deja vu’s were moments when we were both feeling similar situations emotions at the same time and therefore our souls were close. I felt certain pains in his body but there were in my body,  as the energy coursed through. My right ankle throbbed as well as my hip. My jaw felt as if it was going to explode. I felt a shooting pain in my shoulder among so many others, but then in an instant everything was good. Better than before. Peaceful.

And we just felt it. Well correction. I felt it. I felt his being there. So much. And his thoughts weren’t something I could imagine, well maybe I could, but our energies were arguing about how we could make it work. I could tell my thoughts from his thoughts and I could tell when we were thinking the same thing because my body would tense up.  And in the end we were both like fuck it, we don’t know how it will work, we don’t know how we will ever be together, but I know I love you, and you know you love me and shouldn’t that be it? As long as we love each other.

Right after it happened, or during, or after, I can’t remember, the whole thing is overwhelming,  I called him. I became so panicked that I might be schizophrenic/multiple personality because I felt SO connected to him. To everyone now, in a weird way, but specifically him.

I thought that the world might be a figment of my imagination. I literally thought, because I had thoughts that previously weren’t my own, that maybe I had created other personalities, and now my mind had created him.

I actually asked him if he was real. To which he responded (to slowly for my liking at the time) yes. So then I asked if I was real, thinking maybe I was a figment of HIS imagination. This is how connected I felt. I became paranoid that I has crossed some mental line and that if I was just a “personality” of either his or mine, that I would wake up in a different body.  His or whomever’s brain I truly belonged to. Probably strapped down in some hospital bed.

I actually asked my friend to kill me if I woke up not in my regular me. I thought I was basically talking to myself in another form, and I felt like I was telling “myself” (but my friend) to kill me/us. Because I didn’t think I could handle a life without either him, or my kids, or the reality of being that mentally ill.

You guys this is how real this experience was.

I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2-3 in morning. There was just so much in my mind to go over yeah, but also I felt like there was so much knowledge that kept coming. Or I kept discovering. I learned so much about too much to share right now. Probably too much to share ever.

I think it will be something that I continue to discover as I move on.

Either way, this will be the first post of many, since I couldn’t get it all out now, and I’m sure you all want to know how my friend felt about this once I attempted to poorly explain it to him. Check back to see how that “lovely” conversation went.

*Yes, I made an appointment to see a doctor this Friday, I’m not dumb, contrary to how it seems*


-Queen/Princes Of The Universe-

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Done From The Truth I’ll Never Run Be It The Light Or The Shadow I Walk In Hand With All

Energy.

Flow.

Feeling.

Connection.

Emotion.

There’s no denying it now.

There’s no going back from this knowledge.

Once you obtain this level of consciousness, you can’t pretend like it doesn’t exist.

Even worse, you see the falseness of those who pretend like they’ve reached it.

The connection to the universe, but even more, the connection to yourself. Because you are the universe. You have created it. For yourself. Within yourself.

You are living within it with other versions of yourself. Yes everyone in the world is a form of themselves, yet each in its own way is a version of us. Of me. Of you. Of we.

We are the universe. In its infinity. What we have created only we can take away.

Yes it is us, but it is me. Each and every individual here is here because I have chosen it. Because I allow it. Because I need it? Because I am it.

I am it.

I am the universe. I am the God.

No-one god over me but me baby.

Remember that.

Remember your soul, my soul, calling out to me from the start.

As one, yet as none.

We are our own individual being, yet we are one. You, me, we, us. All.

But none.

Everything just is. And in just being, it is nothing. Unless we choose to create… something.

We don’t know how, but we acknowledge the knowledge.

And so the story of greatness begins.

-Periphery/The Walk-

Do We Get To Do It Twice In Another Life Scared To Go To Sleep Now ‘Cause Being Awake Is What All My Dreams Were Like

So, this ‘thing’, this ‘feeling’ I’m feeling, has officially gotten me concerned enough that I’ve decided this week I’m going to make an appointment to go see my Doctor to investigate the possibility of a tumor.

Now I don’t take this lightly, since I have actually been told by a Dr. that I might have a brain tumor before. Something that was effecting my epilepsy.  I went for multiple tests and scans and in the summer of 2016 and everything came back clear. But after my night a week ago, things have been getting worse and I don’t know how to accurately describe it without sounding crazy, but I’ll give it a go.

Even just thinking about a tumor made me tear up, but I don’t know what’s worse, having a legitimate medical condition, like a tumor, that is potentially something that can be removed/fixed, or being “crazy” and sensing someone thinking about me.

Let me explain.

Last you heard, I had an amazing/scary experience where I felt my friend. I felt his thoughts and emotions. I felt him in me. His energy and his being, all while he wasn’t even in the room. That was last week. And I was high. Those are all things I remember plain as day. So some of you rightfully suggested that perhaps it was just a really strong trip, and that it was all in my mind. Totally reasonable considering that yes, I was high.

But then it happened again, and again, and now more frequently, and stronger. And while completely sober. Yesterday I met with my friend for the first time since it happened. But even before we linked up, sometime in the morning I felt the feeling coming so strongly, and right then he called. Then while we were out driving, I needed a drink so he went in and bought some water for me, and right before he came out, I felt it so strong again (while he was paying for it). Also, since we were practicing driving, and my car’s a standard, both times he stalled the car, I felt the feeling, of just pure energy coursing through me.

And that’s when I thought I figured it out. Maybe.

I feel it whenever he thinks of me.

I made probably a dumb move the second time he stalled the car and I felt it, by asking him if he was thinking of me. Because he said yeah, and I said he didn’t have to be embarrassed. I mean he’s still learning and every car’s different. I honestly think no different of him if stalls the car or not. But once I realized the connection… or at least the possible connection… it got so much stronger. Almost overwhelming.

I feel like my mind had been studying for a ridiculous exam for weeks, or I just need nap. It’s become mentally exhausting, to the point that I want to call him to ask him to stop thinking of me because I think I feel it and I can’t handle it.

I don’t know about this whole idea of twin flames… Should it be like this? Am I off my rocker? Shouldn’t it only happen to two individuals at the same time? Like this guys has no idea of how I’m feeling and I feel beyond freaky trying to make him understand but I know I sound like I should be locked up. Why hasn’t he had the same ‘experience’ as I?

That I’m the only one feeling this. It’s apparently supposed to be some connection between two peopl ebut I”m the only one who feels it on this level. And maybe I’m literally the only person in human existance who’s ever felt something like this.

That’s what makes me think I’m crazy.

Yes. I’m aware of how insane it sounds. Which is exactly why I’m planning on getting myself checked out. But in the off chance that the doctors give me the all clear? Then what? Or on the other hand…. what if they don’t?

Either way, something, yet again, is going on with me.


-Drake/Two Birds One Stone-

Now You’re Out Here Looking Like Regret Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, Second Chance You’ll Never Get

So, I got an update from my lawyer. After constantly harassing him about updates in regards to the divorce (obviously, why else would I bother my lawyer) he finally told me last week that the only thing that E was yet to agree on was the Section 7 expenses. Basically the past money he owes me for the kids.  Details here – (B*tch Better Have My Money, Pay Me What You Owe Me

So I planned in my head to use this as a bargaining chip in my conversation with E. In my mind, I honestly thought I would have to convince him to ‘let’ me move with the kids. Just based on his previous reactions to, well to anything in life and how difficult he is with everything I guess I prematurely assumed this would also be a fight. So in my mind, I prepared a bargaining chip before I even called E to tell/ask him about the move. Old habits die hard.

My lawyer had advised me that if I had a verbal agreement between myself and E, then I could move the kids to Kelowna with no issues/court involvement, and that’s what I was aiming for. If E did have an issue with it however, it could move to me having to file some sort of order to move, which would lead to more delays and just aggravation in general.

So I decided that if he was going to make it difficult, I was honest to whatever God going to offer him all his section 7 expenses in return for the move. The thing is, I know money is more valuable to E than time with the children, so I was quite confident that that play on my part would work if necessary. Turns out though, that E surprised even me!

When I called, I started off the conversation asking why he was still delaying the Section 7 part. Because it was my understanding that we both just wanted to put this whole divorce behind us, I mean we’re in the fourth year for goodness sake. That’s when he shocked me by saying he had just emailed his lawyer that morning saying he agreed to everything, and to wrap it up.

I was shook (I never use that word, but I was beyond shocked and it seems fitting) First, there goes my ace card, not that it looked like I would need it, but secondly and more importantly, the end to this ridiculous farce of a marriage seemed in sight! But because E is E, and I can no longer believe a single word that passed through his lips, I asked him to forward me the email that he sent to his lawyer… just to make sure. I stalled on the phone while I waited for the email to come through, and then sure enough there it was. Plain as day. E agreeing to pay out all the thousands of dollars he owes me. In writing.

So that was good.

But now how do I explain Kelowna with no leverage?

So I just started in. I lead with the fact that my work was considering relocating (not a lie) and so I might have to move with the kids to BC, and how did he feel about it? I also explained that I would consider paying half of either his flights or bussing for when/if he came to visit the kids so he understood that I wasn’t trying to move to ‘take them from him’. But he was uncharacteristically very understanding. He said if it’s for work than it’s ok.

I didn’t believe him. Probably because I’ve learned my lesson with E, and I know I can’t take ANYTHING he says at face value. So I asked him repeatedly if he had any questions or concerns. He said no. So I tried again, wanting to know if he had ANY issues with me moving our children further away from him? He said no.

So I figured I should just take that answer and run with it, before anything changed… because with E there is always change.

I got off the phone and emailed my lawyer and let him know that I had a verbal agreement from E in regards to the move. I also forwarded E’s email to his lawyer, to my lawyer (make sense?), so y lawyer could move forward with finalizing everything. I feel like I say that a lot, but while dealing with E, there’s a lot of back and forth, so at least  now I had a “paper trail” so to speak.  I also confirmed with my boss that E would not be an issue with the move and we could continue with our plans.

So things were a go….

Until not more than 6 hours later I get this.

FullSizeRender
E’s message

I KNEW in that time (well I didn’t know but I STRONGLY felt) that E had probably contacted his lawyer and now was fishing for more information.  Now don’t get it twisted, I’ve told E where I work, multiple times, since his memory is terrible. But I didn’t want to tell him in this moment in case it wrecked things for me. So I tried calling him, and he ignored me calls, even though I could see he was online (SO FRUSTRATING).

Once I finally got a hold of him, and asked him why he wanted to know, his first response? “It has nothing to do with the case” So I knew immediately that it had everything to do with the “case” and therefore my suspicions were confirmed. I asked him what it mattered to him, and reminded him that I’d told him before, so it’s nothing I”m hiding. So on the phone I asked AGAIN, if he was ok with me, and therefore the kids moving. He once again said yes.

So I again said ok, and said my good byes, also that I would try to call with the kids on the weekend.

Now I’ve gotten my updated letter of settlement and my lawyer but a small “clause’ in there if you will about how despite everything previously agreed upon, E agrees to ‘let’ me move to Kelowna with the kids and I’ll give him access to the kids while there.

I’m hoping this settles things.

But if I’ve learned anything with E… expect the unexpected and never trust anything he says.


-Demi Lovato/Sorry Not Sorry-

I Feel Like I’m Out Of My Mind I Feel Like My Life Ain’t Mine/When You’re There Chest To Chest With A Lover

I wonder if crazy people really truly know if/when they are crazy. Now I know “crazy” is a very incorrect term here, but hear me out. I’m not talking about the more… ‘normalized’ mental health issues, that you or your neighbor most likely have suffered from, like depression or something similar. I also know those issues aren’t normal either, trust me, I’ve suffered from depression, I’ve attempted suicide, I know the seriousness of it. But bear with me for argument’s sake.

I’m talking about more severe mental health issues. Like if an individual is a psychopath… are they aware of it? Or if a person is schizophrenic, how bad does the situation have to get before they realize that what’s going on in their own mind is maybe not right for example?

Or because it’s their own mind and their own thoughts, and because humans don’t know any different from what our own thoughts produce, maybe individuals with intense mental health issues never realize that they HAVE an issue that could and perhaps should be helped with either medications or therapy or whatever other means provided to them, because it either has always been, or has become their normal.

Just based on the principle that they are used to how their mind runs/works and it seems fine to them.

I guess the reason I’m asking….

Is because lately as you guys know, I’ve been searching. Really searching. About life. Perhaps the meaning of life. Or not so much the meaning of life, but my purpose and where do I fit into the universe. And during this process, I’ve been having some extreme experiences. Things I can’t even explain. Things that have been disconcerting, and even now have gotten to the point of slightly scary. Experiences that have legitimately been leading me to ask myself if I’m “crazy” or not, which is why I ask if I was out of my mind… would I be aware enough to know it?

Because my most recent experience, that happened this past Saturday night, left me with thoughts and emotions, even memories that weren’t my own, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I was lying in bed high, while talking on the phone with a friend and whiles we were talking I didn’t so much hallucinate him there with me so much as sense him. So I told him I had to go to sleep, like I was done for the night. We hung up the phone and I rolled over to go to sleep but I still “sensed” the friend there. Even though I knew it was just me in the room.

But then the sensation became stronger. And then the feeling of my friends energy kept urging at me. (You guys don’t mock me ok. Like I completely realize how utterly absurd this whole thing is, why do you think I”m wondering if I’m insane!)  The first 2-3 times I felt it urge for me to let it in, or to connect I opened my eyes and the feeling would diminish. But when I closed my eyes and would “listen’ and focus again, the feeling would return each time more intense than the last. Until I thought it through, thinking how bad could whatever this thing be? I’m safe in my room, alone, all this feeling is, is an energy at best, and its here for a reason, so I might as well enjoy it… so I basically in my mind said ok have at ‘er.

That’s when it rushed in. Huge surges of energy and love and joy. My body was vibrating. My thoughts were both my own as well as this energy’s. (Yeah I know, it sounds ridiculous, but wait there’s more). I now had memories that belonged to my friend ( like making love with a gorgeous woman with cat like eyes, or being on stage in front of a crowd of people and feeling the energy course through my/his veins, the list goes on and on). I also felt as if this energy was holding me. Moving my arms and hands. And it used my own hands to caress my face and hold me in my own arms. But at the same time I was hugging my friend and feeling his body. The sheer amount of energy that was passed through my body during that time was unbelievable. I could tell the difference between my thoughts and his thoughts but then there were moments when our thoughts were the same. It was, since there is no other way to describe it, out of this world. Or crazy.

But I remember when the moment was over, I’m not sure how long it lasted since it felt like it could have been anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, as the energy was leaving my body, it left a thought implanted in my mind. All I could think about after was “twin flame.” A phrase I’d never heard of before, but you can imagine I looked it up the next day.

(Here’s one of a few video’s I found, among many articles I read)

So anyways after hardly sleeping for the last few days, not being able to eat much, heck I can’t even bring myself to an orgasm since then, it’s like my body feels like it’s been invaded. And so now here I am, questioning my sanity. Which brings me back to my original question… do ‘crazy’ people know when they’re crazy? Or is the fact that I’m talking about it, reason enough to believe that I’m somewhat still sane?  How will I know if this was an experience that actually happened to me, or one that I imagined? But trust me, I couldn’t make something like this up. Because I’m the least imaginative person I know. I believe in facts and figures, not imagination and fantasy. If you were to enter my mind on a “normal’ day, you would find everything carefully categorized and probably labeled lol.  And so if it’s something that the universe brought to me… was it meant for good or have I been demon possessed or something ridiculous like that? Like you have no idea what crazy thoughts have been going through my mind since Saturday!

Am I crazy? I mean I know I sound it. But am I? Am I truly crazy.


-Logic Ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid/1-800-273-8255-

Because A Thankful Heart Is A Happy Heart I’m Glad For What I Have, That’s An Easy Way To Start

Ah ‘Thanksgiving.’

This year dinner was at my parents house as per usual. My mom invited my sisters and their spouses/kids, plus my aunt who lives in town here with her family. Then my one great-aunt was also invited. Then, because apparently that’s not stressful enough for my mom, she invited a few other people that she knew were newer to town and most likely had nowhere else to go. And last and very least, my Grandpa showed up.

I’m not a fan of dinners with my family in the normal every day, apart from the fact that my mom is an excellent cook, a trait I definitely did not inherit.  But the actual family time? Not my favorite. So imagine the lack of excitement I had leading up to this “event”

My mom and my sister R don’t get along. My Aunt and my Dad don’t like each other, thanks to a previous business venture gone bad . My brother-in-law D can only stand being around my family for max like 4 hours before stressing out because we are a loud rambunctious bunch (can you believe I’m the quiet one outta the bunch? Yeah you probably can). There’s 6 kids between the ages of 4-11 running around. And to top it off, I’m avoiding my Grandpa at all costs. So you can imagine the thoughtfulness that had to go into the seating arrangements lol.

But even more than that, I realized that my family really doesn’t give two shits about being thankful. There was no going around the table saying the things we were thankful for, even after I suggested it. Twice. TWICE.

I feel like I need to remind you guys that the majority of the group that was present are “bible believing Christians” with 2 of them even being Pastors. In fact apart from myself (and my kids), my sister N and her husband D, and my Grandpa (Duh)… the rest of the people at dinner attend church on the regular.  And that in and of itself makes me more confident of the decision I made to stop attending church this past summer.

I’m in no way saying that Christianity and people who claim to be Christians are the same thing. Because they aren’t. The people who attend the church and claim to be Christians are just that. People. They are humans who make LOTS of mistakes. Just like you and me (in the mistake making way, not necessarily the claiming to believe in Jesus same way). But if they really believe what they say they believe, they would be making a continual effort to correct those behaviors as well as being “more like Christ.’

But being Christian isn’t claiming to be perfect. I get that.

But I think sometimes Christians forget that.

Which is part of why I made my decision to stop attending church a couple of months ago. I completely understand that it is not my place to judge, and please know that I’m not placing judgement right now. What I’m making is an observation that I used to make informed decisions for me in my life choices. Previously when I was at any type of church function, whether it was my own church or a different one, I felt the people I met presented an aura of “upityness” if that’s even a word. It’s not. I know that.

But it’s like they always felt like they were better than others. Or they had no issues in their personal life. And for years that has always bothered me. Because I know that that’s not possible. I know that everyone has problems at home or school or work or whatever. I know that marriages go through rocky times. I know that not all of your kids can be straight A students (well they can but it’s not likely), I know that not everyone makes enough money to cover basic bills. Among everything else human have thrown at them in life.

So how is it that nothing was ever wrong for them? Now when I say they seem good all the time, I’m not talking about the ‘joy of the Lord’ or peace or something. I’m saying that there was a fakeness to most individuals I dealt with. I should remind you guys, that I attended church pretty much every Sunday (except while in Kenya, when it was sporatic) of my life, until just this year, and this feeling still stands. This wasn’t a once or twice feeling. This was growing up in it, being immersed in it. Then being able to compare it to the world, and realizing that it’s almost like the Christians I’ve met are always trying to put on airs.

It’s like if their life doesn’t seem perfect, who would believe in, well like I said before, the “joy of the Lord’ or the fruits of the spirit, or even just their God in general?  And if they don’t seem happy enough, then the advice they get from the Pastor or even their other Christian friends while seeking help, is to pray more, or believe harder. So they act like everything is good, so their ‘faith’ seems strong. Seems stressful to me.

On the other hand. to be fair, I have met some Christians who seem very genuine and happy in their religion relationship with God, although few and far between. But to be fair I’ve also met some ‘non-believers’ who are also very genuine and at peace without that same faith.

So there’s that.

But heading back to the start of this VERY off topic rabbit trail, I’d like to tell someone what I’m thankful for, since I haven’t been asked this whole season. I did ask my kids what they were thankful for, but once they were done the doorbell rang, so I didn’t get a chance to say mine. So without further ado,

  • Little E, even with his growing attitude that I’m not sure how to handle, this boy is the smarted, kindest, most handsome little thing I’ve been blessed with. He challenges me with his intellect and we have in-depth conversations that allow me to pass along my knowledge to another human that trusts me completely. This power has caused me to really question what I believe and what do I really know, and what I want other humans to believe. And for that, I can never repay him.
  • Z, oh Z. This bundle of joy is always smiling and dancing and still comes and cuddles me in the morning which I need so much. Most days she’s my only hug and kiss and I’m a very big touchy feely person, so I’m so grateful for her for getting me through this time, and many more to come I’m sure.

You know, I was gonna continue on with the whole friends, job, house thing, but I think I’ll stop there instead.

They are what I’m truly thankful for.


 

-VeggieTales/The Thankfulness Song-

 

 

I Feel Like My Words Have Only Given Way To Brief Intentions But No Intent For Action

So house #1. The original one that I liked? The pending deal fell through and so it was back in the market on Thursday night. My boss and the real estate agent both texted me within minutes of each other, albeit both to say very different things. My boss A had been gone all week on a hunting trip so he was just doing a quick relay of information since his phone had been out of service most of the week while he was in the bush. By this point though, I already knew that the offer we had put in on house #2 was a no go and so I has asked the real estate agent to keep an eye on the original house #1… the one I ACTUALLY wanted lol. So since the condo docs on house #2 looked awful, and we pulled out of the deal (you know the one where my company was buying the place for me, and I would buy it from them once I sold my house here…) I just wanted to keep tabs on house #1, just in case.

As luck would have it, whatever deal that was pending on my fav house #1 went sour and so I got the text. Which I was ecstatic about. That is, until A started changing the plans.

While we were in Kelowna, he discussed with his dad and confirmed my raise. So no official problem there. I’m not going to complain about being under 30 years old and making $60,000+ a year. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’m going to enjoy all that I’ve earned. What I’m not really impressed with though, is all this back and forth on A’s part. When I mentioned how house #1 was back on the market, and could we consider the same arrangement that we had with house #2, but with a house I actually really wanted this time, he basically, without outright saying it (which is even more annoying) said I’m on my own now.

Because of the increase to my salary, the company is basically like C you’re on  your own now. You’ll look slightly better on paper, and “hopefully” you’ll qualify for something more (I won’t) and good luck with it all. But nope, they are no longer willing to buy the property and sell it to me later down the road. Of course all this I had to extract from a very long drown out conversation that could’ve just been explained in… well, 30 seconds like I just did.

I wouldn’t be so frustrated if this wasn’t something that A had originally offered in the first place. It’s not like I went begging to him asking him to do this favor for me. This was something that he brought to the table, suggesting we do to try to make the transition as smooth as possible. But now he’s reneging on the offer. Instead he’s throwing out “suggestions” like I just go ahead and sell my place and move all my stuff out there in store pods, and rent a place for a while. Then when/if something comes up, move into it at that point, if I qualify at that time. A lot of maybe’s and variables in that sentence hey. Not how I like to do things.

I basically told him flat-out that no, for me, that’s not an option.

I don’t want to have to move my kids twice. If I’m moving them cross province, I want to move them straight into the home that they will be able to start settling into right away. Not a place where most of our stuff is in storage for who knows how long. Then try to get them comfortable with a new city, new school, new friends, and then in a few weeks, or months or who knows how long, have to move them again? If I can even find a place at that point? Not at all interested.

A was like well think about it, because it might be our only option. I”m like dude if that’s my “only option” then I’m not going. I’m not forcing this on my kids, or myself just to make it convenient for you. This company isn’t the end all be all for me. And if worst comes to worst then I just don’t go.

I know I’d have no issue finding another job if necessary. I’ve gotten every job I’ve ever interviewed for. But I know that won’t be an issue in this case. A wants J (my co-worker) and I working for him. Because between the 3 of us, we do the amount of work that used to take 4 people, so I know I save him a ton of money salary wise, with him not having to pay a fourth employee. J also doesn’t want to move to Kelowna if I don’t go, because she says I keep the office steady, organized, funny, and keep A a little more grounded. She’s a very smart woman, but has trouble standing up to A, whereas I’ll tell him when he’s wrong or even when he’s making a dumb move, and they both appreciate me for that, since I do it tastefully.

So I know in the end it will work out, but A just tends to be overly dramatic in his decision-making. One day he’s up and the next day he’s down, and just when you think you have him figured out, on the third day he’ll show up with a thought way out in left field. So like I told J, I’m going to stick to my own plan, and have my own ideas in my head of how this move should work out, and plod along at my own steady pace. A can continue with his sporadic ups/downs lefts/rights, and in the end, hopefully our paths meet up. Preferably in Kelowna lol

As far as my plan? I’m not looking at any houses now, and probably not until the new year. Once January comes, I’ll work on getting my financing in order (on my own, maybe with my parents co-signing, nothing with the company) then when I have that, I’ll start-up the house hunt again, along with listing my place. To me that seems like plenty of time to have things prepare for a June move.

I explained this to A, at least the whole part about thinking it was premature to be looking at more houses now, especially if I’m not planing on buying until the new year anyways, and he was all in agreement on that…. But then turns around THE NEXT DAY and sends me links to 3 different houses “for reference.” Like common buddy. Drop it already.

You’ve told me I’m on my own. You told me to handle it.

Let me handle it.


-We Came As Romans/I Can’t Make Your Decisions For You-

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold ‘Em Know When To Fold ‘Em Know When To Walk Away And Know When To Run

So the house deal fell through. Which for me, isn’t the worst thing. Once we got our hands on the Condo documents, we noticed that there was no reserve fund AT ALL. So instead of the board planning in advance for things that will eventually need to be replaced, and accruing the money for it through strata/condo fees, apparently if for example all the roofs in the complex needed to be replaced (like they did 2 years ago) they would in essence do a big cash call at that time. Making all the owners cough up an additional however much per month to “raise’ the money and then make the repairs. We talked to one owner who said in the last 4 years they’ve paid close to an additional $60,000.00 on extra fees to cover renovation expenses,on top of the monthly strata/condo fees.

No thanks. I’m not moving into a place that has no idea how to plan in advance. Plus who knows how much else could go wrong in the next however many years that I could potentially have to contribute towards. I’m not interested.

Which is fine with me. Because I didn’t have my heart set on this house in the first place. Would it have been doable? Of course. A few coats of paint and some updated lights and it would’ve been fine. But now that it’s out of the picture I feel no sense of loss. In fact I even emailed my real estate agent this morning after I heard the news to see how the original one that I DO love is doing. He says the offer is still pending and it looks strong so that sucks, but he said he would keep an eye on it for me.

I guess the age-old saying still stands.

It ain’t over til it’s over. But man I just want it to be over.


-Kenny Rogers/The Gambler-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-