There has been a lot going on in my life. Well that’s obvious for everyone who’s been reading my posts so far. But I’m talking in the here and now life.
It’s getting to the point where I’ve been really questioning life in general, and how it works.
Like when does “God” or “Karma” or “the universe” decide that’s enough struggle for one person. How much can a single human handle before throwing in the towel. What could I have possibly done to send out so much negative energy out there or did I piss off whatever deity is in charge?
For example, the last couple weeks I’ve been going back and forth with my Dr. It was originally going to be just a standard check up and then possibly trying to get off my seizure meds. I’m not a fan of taking medication if it’s not necessary. Well the seizures got put to the back burner when some stuff came back in my blood work about my liver.
Turns out I have an enlarged liver due to an enzyme found in alcohol. My Dr. told me this is mostly found in people who are alcoholics and have been drinking steadily for MANY years. He also said I have to reduce my alcohol intake because this can turn into cancer quite quickly.
I don’t drink.
Well I do. Like a glass of wine at Christmas, and then maybe twice more throughout the year. That’s it. Now how the fuck do I have a disease that’s associated with alcoholism if I don’t drink?
I’m thoroughly pissed off at this. I feel like what’s the point of not drinking anymore since I’m already practically suffering from liver failure.
I’m honestly just ready to be done. This is just a small example of what’s going on and I feel like I keep pushing through all these struggles… but for what?
I’m still no closer to the end of my divorce. I have no romantic prospects on the horizons because I’ve still been letting guys use me, and hey if they can get what they want outta me then why bother with anything more right? I’ve been yelling at my kids more because of the stress and it’s not their fault. I’m still having raging headaches and seizures once in a while. And now I have cancer on the roster. Like what is the point? For real?
Why can’t I just catch a break. Just one small break. What did I ever do to anyone to deserve this. All of this. Any of this.
I’m a good person. I deserve love and respect and health. Or maybe at least one of them. I dunno maybe I’m being greedy but I feel asking for a few things from “god” “the powers that be” or whoever/whatever’s job it is to hand out good stuff… shouldn’t be to much.
Kinda feel like I deserve something for what I’ve been through. Even a damn gold star would be better than cancer at this point. I’m not picky. Just sayin’.