No Matter What I Do, I’m No Good Without You 

Ahhhh, W. Many of you have asked me about W, and what happened to such a nice guy… why I let him get away. The fact is I never let him go, he was taken from me.

We met one night while I was out dancing with the girls after work. It was an impromptu thing and I was still dressed in my work clothes (black pants and white button up shirt, think server style 😒) and just wanted a night of fun. So a bunch of us headed to a pub. And there he was. We caught each other’s eye across the dance floor a couple times, he was with his guys and me with mine. But within about 15 minutes he had made his way next to me and we danced for 2-3 hours. And that was it. We just danced. My all time favourite thing to do. He was good at it, I’m good at it (humble brag lol) and we just meshed together so well. We took a couple breaks to chill with our individual groups of friends that we came with, but we continued to find each other on the dance floor. Until I had to leave. I was the DD like always, since I don’t really drink and had to get some friends home, so in a Cinderella type fashion I told him thanks for the night and left without another word.

Well I guess that wasn’t enough for him. He started asking around within my group of friends remaining for my name and number, and I received a voicemail at work the next morning.

I was a little wary at first since he was almost a decade older then me but I agreed to meet him for coffee later that week when we both had time and hit it off amazingly. He was smart, kind, attractive, sensitive yet strong, always made me laugh, and made me feel like a queen 24/7. We went out the next night again for dinner and played some pool then to his place.

That’s when I lost my virginity. He kept asking “Are you sure, are you sure? We can wait…” I’m the one who was like yeah let’s do it. And he was great and it was amazing. That time and every time after. Ha, I remember him commenting weeks later after I told him it had been my first time (which he didn’t know before) that he couldn’t even tell, and for some reason I felt such relief. No one wants to suck their first time ’round.

We spent every weekend on the same dance floor where we first met, and over the months our routine was pretty much guaranteed. Movie, dancing til close, back to his place for great sex, sleep, waking up with his hands between my legs rubbing just right, off to work, then repeat. I slowly started spending more nights at his place until I pretty much only went home to pay rent.

W was a very dedicated man who knew what he believed in. We debated often with passion, but we never argued. He knew my weaknesses and never exploited them. He knew what made me laugh and took joy in seeing me smile. He cared for me after I was raped, and even though I knew he wanted to exact his own revenge, he respected my wishes in how I wanted the situation handled.

I think he’s the only man who’s ever truly loved me.

And then he was murdered.

W was walking home from the club downtown one night when there was a drive by shooting. W was an innocent bystander who was shot and died on the scene.

W had no family here since he had immigrated on his own years ago, so I was left dealing with funeral arrangements. I was now 20 years old and my boyfriend had just been killed at only 29 years old. I had been raped less then 4 months ago and now this.

I was overwhelmed to say the least. That’s when, after a few months after W passed away, I started sleeping around out of… well basically hatred of the world lol.

I felt like I had had my happily ever after and no one would ever compare to W. So I started one night stand after another. After another. And another. And that’s when I met E. After about 35-40 maybe more men, I stopped counting, because I stopped caring, I met E, and pretty much threw in the towel.

Also explains why I’m not at all a fan of violence, although I don’t think that needs to be explained. Innocent people are hurt or killed all the time, and they leave behind loved ones. And maybe they aren’t innocent, maybe for some reason they were involved in some sort of shit. I still don’t think violence, of any kind, be it guns or fists or anything, is the answer. I think if you can’t figure out how to solve your issues with your mind/words, then your shouldn’t be fighting. You obviously don’t have the strength it will take to win.

 

-Rihanna/Love on the Brain-

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