I Got a Notion to Say What Doesn’t Feel Right

As it stands now, I hate Mother’s Day.

This will be my 7th Mother’s Day, and I’ve yet to enjoy a single one. Yes, I’ve been a single parent for 3 of them already, coming up on my forth this Sunday, and I’m actually dreading it.

When married to E, he never understood the whole concept of celebrating the woman who gave birth to his children. The woman who brought life into the world. It never occurred to him to actually do anything special for me, whether it be something as simple as a card or flowers or something more dramatic (Ha, yea right). But nope, nothing. Ever.

So I learned to keep my expectations super low.

But now, as a single mom, for some reason people feel the need to bring up “How hard it must be” or “How do you do it alone” and all that crap on Mother’s Day. But then they have no follow up to it. No offers to help or anything. It’s like I don’t need your pity. I don’t need a holiday to acknowledge my status of pushing a human out of my vagina. I have my life everyday to show me the reality of that.

What I need is a fucking vacation. Or a night away from my kids. Or a simple massage.

So, no. I don’t need your words saying “I’m doing great” or “you could only imagine how hard it must be” Because first off, I know I’m doing a fantastic job of raising my kids. Your two cents makes no difference in how I parent. But also, yeah, it’s beyond difficult. And I do struggle every day. Not just one stupid Sunday in May when Hallmark decided they wanted to make a huge profit. This is my life. 24/7. So keep your moronic comments to yourself. Don’t try to appease your guilt by talking to me on this one day a year. If you truly cared, or wanted to imagine what it must be like for me, why don’t you try it for a night. Why don’t you take my kids for a night.

I have my kids ALL THE TIME. Which I am SOOOO grateful for because I don’t want them to have to spend a night with E. So yeah, after 3 years I do have sole custody. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish for a break sometimes. After 3 years I’ve had 2 nights where my kids have slept at my parents house. 2 nights in over 3 years. 2 nights in more than 1175 nights where I didn’t have to do the bedtime routine alone. 2 nights where I could relax and sleep in as late as I wanted and not have to worry about what are my kids going to eat for breakfast. 2 nights where I could walk around my house naked and not have to worry about scarring my son for life ;0 . 2 nights where I didn’t have to be quiet while having sex, because, well who cares if the neighbours heard.

But the other thousand and change… was me and my kids… and no one else.

So I don’t wanna hear you saying “Happy Mother’s Day C” with a fake smile this Sunday. Cause no. It’s gonna be a Sunday like every other Sunday. Where I’m going to wake up in bed, with no breakfast on my nightstand. I’m going to go down to my kitchen. I’m going to make my kids breakfast. I’m going to wash the dishes. I’m going to help Z get dressed for the day. I’m going to open the handmade cards from my kids that have been sitting there since Friday, that they made at school/daycare. I’m going to appreciate them like nothing else.

And I truly want that to be it.

I don’t want those dumb e-cards. Or generic emails. Or annoying voicemails, because you know I’m not answering your call this weekend. Or ridiculous Facebook posts. Or obtuse comments from hypocritical people. 

Just leave me and my kids alone.

Like you do the other 364 days of the year.

 

-Kings Of Leon/Notion-

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26 thoughts on “I Got a Notion to Say What Doesn’t Feel Right”

  1. I hear ya loud and clear. R doesn’t understand the concept of mothers day either. I think last year I basically put “Get Demi mothers day flowers” on the grocery list. I’m like one year I’d just like even a handmade card he helped Em make without me asking. This year… he was “sick” (welcome to my life boo) & I suspected that while acting like he was on his deathbed he had forgotten about Mother’s day (and my birthday the day before… nevermind the anniversary– like I told him that day no longer exists)… but still I asked if he was getting me anything. He had forgotten of course. *which was fine I had already gotten myself something from “Em”*

    But the icing on the cake was when he said “if it makes you feel better I didn’t get my mom anything either.” πŸ€” my level of petty that particular day after being the good but separated wife spoke before I could find something nicer to say.

    “Well I birthed your child… I think just maybe that makes me a higher priority.” Naturally he had no response. But wait it gets better… earlier this week he asked me what I was getting him for Father’s day. Because I go out for every single damn holiday. Nope. Not this year.
    I simply told him that he was getting the weekend to himself since we were going to the beach. But then my petty kicked back in and I said “no offense but you didn’t get me anything.” He tried to pull the “it’s okay I don’t deserve anything” card.
    πŸ€”πŸ˜’ I mean if you really want to go there… we can… but I don’t think you want to. He better take this handmade card his daughter made for him and shut the hell up lol.

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  2. ” I don’t need a holiday to acknowledge my status of pushing a human out of my vagina. I have my life everyday to show me the reality of that.

    What I need is a fucking vacation. Or a night away from my kids. Or a simple massage.”

    This had me laughing and then,

    “I’m going to go down to my kitchen. I’m going to make my kids breakfast. I’m going to wash the dishes. I’m going to help Z get dressed for the day. I’m going to open the handmade cards from my kids that have been sitting there since Friday, that they made at school/daycare. I’m going to appreciate them like nothing else.”

    And then this had me looking around to make sure no one on this construction site had noticed the turn in my emotions.

    You are a good writer! I have two children. It seems similar but I have a fantastic wife and we have a little help from her parents here and there. So I don’t really understand.

    I did like reading your stuff. Thanks for liking my writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have no children. I can empathize until i’m blue in the face, that doesn’t make it any better or worse for you. Thanks for reading my blog, and liking an entry. I appreciate it muchly. I like your writing style, and Any single parent out there that gives two shits about their kids, deserves everydamn day a holiday. That’s not pragmatic, and isn’t going to happen, but by Deadpool You deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You liked a post on my blog and so I visited yours. Let me tell you, after reading a couple of posts, I’m simply in awe of you. You’re doing a tremendous job and though I know you already know that, I just couldn’t help mentioning. I love the way you write, it comes from such a deep place of pain and beauty. Keep writing and I wish that things get better for you, real soon. Also, do consider publishing a memoir someday, your writing style hooks the reader. Love and hugs from a friend in India. πŸ™‚ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Or someone to say what is ACTUALLY real. Like “damn girl you like shit I bet you are so exhausted and tired inside and you just need to sit down for like 7 minutes without anyone talking and just breathe and be you and a woman and not a mom or an ex wife or a broken heart or a reason for someone’s pity”. How come no one ever says that stuff?
    Much respect to you Sunday and every day. You’re fighting the good fight.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I won’t give you platitudes but my husband too is clueless – I go buy cards for my mother and his mother for Mother’s Day and half the time he forgets to get one for me or take the kids to get one for me. I homeschool two special needs children and while I get more break that you do I can honestly and truly get what you are saying. A break. An honest to goodness break. Where no one needs anything from you. A massage sounds divine

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Nothing “triggers” me. I read it. It’s alright. Jumps around a little to much. Doesn’t give enough to follow from one place to another. Obviously your trying to tell it from the point of view of her, who is mentally ill… but you still have to give the reader enough to follow and understand. Don’t worry about protecting me lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I never thought of her as being mentally ill until after I’d finished writing and I was doing the tags. I have no experience of mental illness other than what I see in the movies.
        What do you reckon is the best approach to mental illness (or discomfort) – hide it under a layer of ‘everything is okay’ or write about it?
        Kindness – Robert.

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      3. In regards to any type of mental illness, the attitude of “everything is ok” is what allows the illusion of safety and health. Mental illness should be treated just like any other illness. Your brain is “sick”, and in many cases there is treatment available. Writing about it is not an issue… although doing a little more research about it beforehand would be more becoming, and a true representation to those suffering.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Just because we say things that don’t feel right doesn’t make our thoughts wrong. When we live in a painful reality then our reality is just that painful. I think it is good to tell people what it is really like, this life that we live. it is unreasonable to think that anyone can feel blessed all the time. Richard

    Liked by 1 person

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