So, I told K I couldn’t do “it” (more about “it” here: Flaws On the Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure). At least I’m pretty sure I told him… I was high while on the phone, since I knew I couldn’t talk about it “on my own”. This was something I honestly would’ve considered if K and I had already been in a relationship, and he offered it because it was something I wanted, and he wanted to do it for me. But this was not the case…
No doubt about it. I love K. And I love him as he is. I adore all of him just as he is. I cherish every aspect of him. I would be there for him through blood, sweat or tears and everything in between. Even the parts I’m not 100% on, when I take a step back and truly think about it, I could be more than completely satisfied with living the rest of my life with him as is. But K would not be. And that is how I know it is not true love right now.
To me, true love should go full circle. When I envision that, I see two individuals reaching both their arms out to each other and when they touch, it completes the circle. When it’s not true love, one person will be reaching farther, trying harder (maybe even desperately) to form the circle to make the relationship work and then the balance is off. That’s when “London Bridges falls down,” people break up, and hearts are broken, some more than others in most cases.
I want K to have everything he’s ever wanted in life. He deserves that and so much more just for being the man he is today. He once described his “dream girl” to me. He explained what was important to him, and how he imagined his life. Which is excellent to have goals and a vision like that. But it’s not a vision of me.
So now, I have to step back, and sacrifice the possibility of a beautiful life with K, so that he can find the perfect girl for him. One that fits his vision. Like a wise man once explained about suicide central, what am I willing to give up for those that I love? I’m willing to give up K so that he can be happy. And maybe I’ll find someone like him again one day. A man who will love all parts of me. As I am at that point in time. And if not, then I’ll move on again. Because fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice…. Then I’m a fucking douche bag.
And E fooled me once. I can’t be treated less than, ever again.
Also… Not that it matters, but people actually asked me how FAT I am? Seriously? lol Well for all you nosey people who should mind your own business, this is what I look like. Now go bother someone else.
-Coleman Hell/2 Heads-