AHHH, I’m feeling so lost! For so many reasons, I decided last night I needed to take a break from my phone. So this morning, after my alarm (on my phone) went off, I turned off my phone. Now when I planned this all in my head last night, I figured I could go until sometime on Sunday without it. I mean common it’s not like I’ll die without my phone right. But as the morning has gone on, it’s become clearer to me how much I depend on my phone. Not only that, but also I’ve become aware of a few other life altering facts which I’ll touch on later.
First, I’m constantly checking the time on my phone. Just because. Because I like to know where I stand in my day, how much time I have left before I have to make supper or run out the door for work or put the kids to bed etc. I HATE being late, for anything. So I always like to know what time it is. I feel like if I can control that one aspect, of being on time, then I can keep at least some peace in my chaotic life. But I’m realizing lately…. So what if I’m late? So what if the kids stay up a little? Really what will happen if I make dinner a little later, or 15 minutes earlier? Nothing. It won’t be the end of the world. The sky won’t fall, the earth won’t shatter, nothing will change. So these last few weeks I’ve been trying to lighten up a little bit. Let the kids finish their book before bed even if it takes the extra 15 minutes. Take them to the park after work (BEFORE supper) because it’s not gonna kill anyone. Let myself sleep in on the weekends, because little E can make cereal/waffles for himself and Z and they will survive without me for an hour or two. Basically just trying to lighten up a little time/schedule wise, and so far, we’re all still alive so it must be working. And this morning without my phone, there were still clocks around my house when it was absolutely necessary to check the time to be ok for work. Just not checking every 3 minutes.
Next, I check my bank account about 2-4 times a day. Overkill? For sure. But I like to know where my money is and how much there is at all times. I have it divided into multiple accounts (probably way more than needed) to keep track of it all ( lol “it all” like there’s soo much). My own checking’s, savings, tax’s free. and RRSP. then little E and Z each have one that I have automatic weekly transfers from my checking into theirs. Little E wants to be a paleontologist and Z will have dreams too for which I’m sure University isn’t cheap so I’ve started saving early. I’ve never bounced a cheque or missed a bill payment in my life because I’m always on top of my money. But still I figure I need to relax a little. Not enough to let things slip through my fingers and make mistakes, but common, if a transactions not there first thing in the morning? Doubtful anything will have changed by 2 or 5 or 9 hours later. So I can still be diligent, but not obsessive.
Next, I thought through the fact if I turn off my phone, how will anyone be able to get ahold of me? And that’s when it hit me. Hard. And painfully. Apart from less than a handful of people, three to be exact, no one calls me first. Which is annoying to be honest. I am always the first to call/text someone. The first to reach out and invite a friend out/over. But then I thought harder about it. Why? Why don’t any of my “friends” call me? I am a good friend. I am trustworthy, smart, funny, compassionate, non-judgemental etc. Like literally I’m amazing to be around. So what the fuck is going on that no one calls me? And how have I not noticed this until now? Friendship should work both ways. Give and take. But I just feel like it’s all give give give on my part. So by keeping my phone off this weekend, it gives me an opportunity to back off, and see if anyone does reach out first. It will really give me a clear picture of my “friends.” And maybe there might need to be a little (or a lot) of rearranging in my life as a result.
Then, to top it all off, I went to make my daily coffee this AM, and that all went to shit to. Last Friday, I traded coffee makers with my sister R. She had recently mentioned how she really wanted a Keurig and so since it really didn’t matter to me what machine I had, I traded my barely used Keurig for her 5 year-old Tassimo. I just wanted her to be happy (see, good friend attribute), and like I said, coffee is coffee, and it didn’t matter to me what machine I use. Weellllll. Here I am eating my words because her machine makes poop in a mug. No matter what I do the sludge it produces is nasty. But this morning I really wanted a coffee so I decided I would suck it up and make do. So I poured myself a cup, and went for my creamer and that’s when I noticed I was out. So I figured, nope I’m not drinking this shit without cream, I’ll just stop at Starbucks today. But being the brilliant human that I am, after INTENTIONALLY leaving my phone at home, remembered that since I use my app to pay, I was shit outta luck coffee wise today.
And to top it off, my kids are finally spending the night at my parents tomorrow night, and off all weekends, I choose this one to put away the phone, so now I can’t make plans. But I figure anyone who really wanted to spend time with me knows where I live.
SO that brings me to now, sitting at work, coffee-less, phone-less and perhaps in a few days fake friend-less.
Yet all I can think about is if K has called back. Wow I’m broken.
-Audioslave/Show Me How to Live-
R.I.P Chris Cornell