If Your Not the One for Me Why do I Hate the Idea of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through 

Making the best choice for yourself in life is shitty sometimes. Whether it’s as simple as eating healthy food vs. a cheeseburger or cutting out people who you feel aren’t the best for you in order to make room for someone who will help you grow better. Both aren’t fun, but the “friend” option is more painful for much longer.

Which is why I’m hoping with everything in me that it will lead to more growth in the end.

I know most of you are thinking that after the whole body image (more about it here… Flaws On the Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure ) thing I probably drew a hard line with K and that was that. Oh sure I did. In the fucking sand. And then the waves that were my feelings for him came and washed what little resolve I had out the window and I was back where I started. Or worse, I don’t even know. What I do know, is that K took full advantage of my feelings and we continued to fuck, and then some. It’s just that he knows what to say to pull at my heart-strings and get what he wants. Which is basically sex without putting in the work of a relationship.

And I’m so broken and embarrassed by that. Because he’s manipulated me so well, and I hate myself for falling soooo far for him. For a man who was very careful to never say I love you to me, but would hold me in his arms and make me feel like my heart was safe. Yet when I was vulnerable, take my heart and break it. For what feels like the hundredth time. Into a shit ton of tiny pieces.

This man who would draw me in, and tell me secrets, and I would tell mine too… but never had any plans or desires to be with me in the future. Throw out comments like be his woman and his wife, ask if I would move here or there and discuss future things… And then turn around and claim he never led me on. Saying since he never said he loved me, that it makes everything else fine.

Maybe it does. Maybe I’m looking to far into it. Maybe the words I love you are more important than him saying you know how much you mean to me C, or holding me, or kissing me the way he did. I guess in his mind that was the only thing that mattered, the actual words I love you. And I shouldn’t feel so hurt.

But I do.

I hurt.

I’m crying. For everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve had taken from me. Everything I’ve given away. Not just involving K, but in my life.

And I hate it.

Because I thought I was stronger than this.

This stupid girl who fell in love with a man who was using her.

Again.
-Adele/Water Under The Bridge-

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5 thoughts on “If Your Not the One for Me Why do I Hate the Idea of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through ”

  1. Emotionally unavailable men are the worst. They sound/look/feel so REAL. It tugs at your heart strings. Makes you want to save them. Makes it so you put forth all the effort, because you just know they can be saved.
    I got one. And they are always fucking hot, too.
    But SO careful not to make the commitment. Mine refused to take us out on a real date, untiI started dating someone else. Then it was, how about dinner, drinks, time together?
    Ugh, I still fuck him occasionally. But try to hold the emotional part at bay

    Like

  2. Don’t beat yourself so much, dear C.
    You’d be surprised to know to know that there so many people in similar shoes as yours. Hence, you’re not alone.

    The good people get manipulated. The good people believe that everyone out there are as good they are, but unfortunately that isn’t true. There are certain people out there who thrive on others’ suffering. I’ve learnt it the hard way.

    It’s not too late to wake up from this dream and make a choice now. Find that voice within you that says, “Fuck it. I’m outta here.”
    Everyone has that voice including you. It’s only a matter of time till you find yours.

    Realize that this person and your relationship are toxic, and nobody deserves to be in toxic relationships.

    You’re not stupid. You’re human.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you’re going through this! I read this post and my heart breaks for you! The worst thing is to have all of your hopes up and someone comes along and shatters them in an instant. I hope you can pull the positivity from inside of you and move on because you’re worth it and someone else out there will truly love you and not be afraid to say it!

    Like

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