I’m Not a Pawn for You to Play in Your Fucking Game I’ve Got Dignity and a Dream That I Want to Achieve/All I Hear are Your Empty Promises

A while back I watched a show and the episode was titled Pros Vs. Cons and when I saw that, I literally laughed out loud. 

It summed up my life in so many ways so perfectly. Yes, I am the queen of pro/con lists… whenever faced with an issue I think out all the good and bad of doing it one way as well as the ups and downs of taking the other path. But when Pros Vs. Cons flashed across the screen, the thought that crossed my mind was E vs. K. 

E was a PRO athlete at one time. For a long time. He played for Kenya’s National 7’s team for over a dozen years. Traveled the world and back again multiple times. Played with the best of the best in the World Cup in Hong Kong (in 2005 when I was just graduating high school, yep E is 8 years older than I). Actually he was still playing Rugby when we met, but just not at the same level. He had always wanted to visit Canada, and a team here wanted him to play for them, so that’s how he came. Once here, he even made the Canadian team, after tryouts in Toronto but didn’t have the proper residency status to represent the country at that time. So as far as athletics go, he’d done it all, and achieved as much as you could. Even made qualifiers for the Olympics one year. So in my mind, when I saw Pro Vs. Con, Pro was E, in regards to his past profession only. 

Then there was the opposite end with K reppin’ for CON. Y’all already know I met K when he was pretty much fresh outta Prison. Now I’m not just talking a night or two in jail. But a 4.5 year stint in a maximum security prison. Where he would brag about how many fights he was in and how much time he spent in segregation.

 (Just remembered a game of E’s I watched where a smaller guy on the other team got pissed off at the refs call and “attempted” to take it out on E. E held the guy out at arms length by his shirt collar with one hand and the little dude was on his toes swinging wildly and couldn’t reach E. People in the stands were laughing and yelling out ‘hit him with your purse’ and E just stood there, holding him. In that moment, I was proud to be his wife. To be married to a man who could hold his temper made me so happy. Little did I know what was in store for me)

Don’t get me wrong, I loved to hear K tell stories of when he was back on the streets or when he got shot or when this went down or how he dealt with a certain situation. Not because I was happy about those things happening, because to be honest, I thought things could’ve been dealt with in a much more mature way that didn’t result in violence etc, but because K is an excellent story teller. He has passion and fervour when talking about his boys and his past. You can tell the streets and music fill his heart and are his everything. 
So when that title flashed and I mentally thought about K and E, I chastised myself. I didn’t compare the two of them, because individuals are just that, individual and should never be held next to one another for comparison, but I did think about what attracted me to K so much. Apart from the physical, he is completely different from E. and I think I just wanted to try something edgy and fun. Someone exciting. 

K brought that. He is all about grandness. On the streets money comes fast, but it’s spent even quicker. And K’s mind was still set on money and music and the streets. He was out now and had potential opportunities to roll in the cash, and being the man he is, he couldn’t pass certain things up. Even if they seemed to good to be true. So he would always talk about “one day.” One day he was gonna pay for me to have a massage because I deserve it. Or throw cash my way to buy little E a dirt bike for his birthday. Or he’ll buy me flowers every year for my birthday. Or would ask me what author I like and check out my collection to see which books I needed to finish the set… but I never saw anything actually come from any of those words. *reminder… he says he didn’t lead me on 🤔*  Instead he would consistently be walking into my place with new clothes and “accessories,’ have money for drugs, and of course, understandably money for studio time. But then have to ask to borrow close to a grand to buy a motorcycle. Yes, of course I lent it to him. I know. You don’t need to comment on it. 
Whereas E, also started off here with nothing and worked hard, sometimes shitty jobs to make cash. But he was never about empty words. He wouldn’t tell me things he had no plans in fulfilling. Albeit, that led to him not promising much, but looking back, I think I preferred it that way. We lived very simply, but there was no disappointment. I knew what to expect, and was never let down. In my opinion, it’s better to be told nothing, then have a carrot dangled in front of you and then taken away and eaten by someone else. 

So now I’ve married a Pro, fucked a Con, and I can honestly say I’d just like a happy medium. 

So what’s in the middle of Pro and Con? And no cheeky answers like a Professional Con-artist 😏. 

Ohhh and a self congrats to me! I reached 500 followers! Thank you guys so much for listening to my messed up story and shaking your head at my stupidity. 🤔😉

-Papa Roach/Blood-

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I’m Not a Pawn for You to Play in Your Fucking Game I’ve Got Dignity and a Dream That I Want to Achieve/All I Hear are Your Empty Promises”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s