I am Just a Troubled Soul Who’s Weighted to the Ground. Give Me the Strength to Lay this Burden Down

So I went for it.

Today is officially day one of my new “lifestyle”

I stopped pussyfooting around regarding my weight loss and signed up for Jenny Craig. Now don’t laugh (I used to kinda inwardly laugh at people who choose this option, but hear me out) I choose it because after making my standard Pro/Con list in my head about all my different options, I came to realize that food prep is my downfall.

I know myself, I won’t track what I eat, so most “programs” i.e. Weight Watchers were out. I know I wouldn’t hold myself accountable to just a basic app on my phone to monitor my food intake, because common, I’m not that reliable when it comes to writing things down or tracking things, like I just last year starting tracking my period and I’ve had that for like 18 years! I know I won’t make time to go to the gym, because I basically hate it, all the changing/gym clothes/sweaty people/awful music,  so that option was out.

Which lead me to Jenny. The go to for middle aged women everywhere lol. (seriously the lady on the phone kept making references to being a middle aged woman and making the choice for yourself after all so many years of failed attempts at other things.. I had to tell her I was only 29 and this was my first choice, and in my head tell myself I’m not going to fail) I choose this option because they prepare your food for you. They prep it for the week, deliver it to your door, and make up a menu to explain what to eat and when. Seriously it’s the easiest thing for me. I don’t enjoy cooking at all, so after looking at all the options out there, it was a no brainer. I got my first week’s worth delivered last night and (after realizing I had limited freezer space and that it might be an issue from now on), I sorted out my meals for today and, as my kids would say, it was “easy peasy lemon squeasy” I actually felt accomplished and prepared for the day. I also felt a little shocked at the amount of food I’m expected to eat throughout the course of my day. I can 100% confidently say my problem in the past is not that I overeat. I pretty sure my issue is more along the lines of not choosing the “right” foods, as well as my digestion, which thanks to my Naturopath is SLOWLY getting better.

Either way, I’m determined and dedicated to do at least one month on the program, to see how it goes.  Then from there since I’m hoping it goes well, I’ll continue it until my Cruise this fall. (WOO cruise lol). Plus, if when I reach my goal weight on Jenny, they give you half your money back, so that’s a win win if I ever saw one.

I still have my referral appointment that I booked a few weeks ago with the actual Doctor regarding weight loss, and for now I’ll continue to pursue that as well, I figure it couldn’t hurt to hear what they have to say too. The more support I have the better right? Hah, I just remembered that I also have an appointment for an IUD insertion I booked a while back, but right now, that seems pointless since I’m not currently fucking anyone, so I’ll probably cancel.

But I just wanted to let y’all know I’m excited about this. It’s the first time I’ve ever consciously made a choice on my own to do anything positive/healthy long term for my body.

My mom on the other hand… well she used to make the choice for me all the time.  She used to make me go on “diets” when I was younger and that definitely made me hate them. From the thought of it, the concept, the word, just everything involved with DIET. I hate when people bring up my weight, because ever since I was young my mom made it about her, and her weight issues. Every time she went on a new diet, I had to join her no one else, just me. It was probably more to make her feel better and make her feel like she was doing it for me, instead of her 350+lbs ass. My first food restriction was probably around 11 or 12 years old (when I started puberty). I grew like 3 inches taller and probably 30-40 pounds heavier in those 2 years. Like some bodies do during that “change”. Thinking back, it was a perfectly natural change and nothing that should’ve concerned my mom.  I think if my mom had just let me be, I would’ve sorted myself out and learned to work with my body in my own time. But instead she forced her own insecurities on me and couldn’t stand the thought of me being overweight, even though she had been morbidly obese at least her entire adult life if not longer… and still is.

So the constant remarks about my size or weight and comments about what I was eating and how my clothes fit etc. were endless. I honestly think it would’ve been more bearable had my mom been somewhat heathy and fit herself, then it wouldn’t have seemed SOOOO hypocritical, and I don’t think I would have resisted so much. I would have viewed it more as her trying to help me get to a place she knew was better for me because she lived it, and could tell me from experience. Not instead what it felt like, which was “do this/eat this because I don’t want have to look at your fat ass.”

I don’t blame my mom for my weight, it’s obviously my body, so it’s my responsibility to treat it properly. I do however think she contributed to the attitude I had previously towards weight loss, which was that I never wanted to deal with it because of all the bad memories/feelings associated with it. That being said, I do my best to silently watch what my kids eat, and teach them that food is used as a tool to give our body energy and fuel, the same way we put gas in a car, we put food in our bodies to keep them going. I remind them that when they are full they can stop, but also try to keep the balance so that they aren’t conveniently full when it comes to veggies lol. When they were younger, I used to serve veggie first, and once that was done, they could eat whatever else was for dinner. That way they got used to finishing their vegetables before anything else, and so far it’s been working good. My kids are both healthy and a very suitable weight for their age/height.

Another contribution to my attitude towards weight loss? I once lost a lot of weight… I looked good. Nope scratch that. I looked fucking amazing. And that’s when I got raped ( I Don’t Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day, Take Me to the Place I Love, Take Me All the Way ). So to say that instance also hasn’t made an impact in how much weight I carry now would be a lie. But I’m ready to move on.

From the hold my mom had on my life.

From the fear of men using me.

From the fear of being the best me.

Because I’m going to fucking run the world. 🙂

 

-Annie Lennox/Little Bird-

 

 

 

 



 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “I am Just a Troubled Soul Who’s Weighted to the Ground. Give Me the Strength to Lay this Burden Down”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s