I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

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4 thoughts on “I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

  1. I’ve been listening to this song a bit lately, thinking about the growing urge to be a parent. It’s such a strong feeling–wanting to guide, teach, watch him/her grow. I grew up without a father and just don’t understand how someone could step away from something so important. I couldn’t ever do such a thing…
    Love the post and love the song. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate your comment. I’m sorry you grew up without you’re dad. Although it must’ve been difficult it made you who you are today, which is something to be proud of. And yes, being a parent is something so important and rewarding, which I’m thrilled to have experienced.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As mine grows faster than I expected, I too get a ping of the baby blues again. But then again my personal fear is that I would end up loving one more than the other, and unknowingly show it like I felt my own mother did. And well I vowed the day I saw those blue lines that I would never make my child feel that way. But like I said, it doesn’t stop my Ovaries from occasionally being like “a baby would be nice”. Then there’s the whole factor of a man… and I’m just not feeling the whole dating thing that can lead to potential heartbreak again.
    Sorry I’m rambling. What I’m getting at is that it’s not selfish to have that feeling of wanting another baby. It happens. If it’s meant to be it’ll be and blended families take time. But just like regular ones, they can be as equally dysfunctional. And also, I don’t fully believe in the whole age limit of where a child can connect with a new parent. While I’m sure it helps, it ultimately comes down to the individual and the time he or she is willing to put into having a relationship with the child. But that’s my opinion. Irregardless, you’re being the best mom you can be for your kids, so don’t beat yourself up for not having the family life you envisioned. The feeling is more common than we like to believe. ❤

    Like

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