You’ve Got To Know When To Hold ‘Em Know When To Fold ‘Em Know When To Walk Away And Know When To Run

So the house deal fell through. Which for me, isn’t the worst thing. Once we got our hands on the Condo documents, we noticed that there was no reserve fund AT ALL. So instead of the board planning in advance for things that will eventually need to be replaced, and accruing the money for it through strata/condo fees, apparently if for example all the roofs in the complex needed to be replaced (like they did 2 years ago) they would in essence do a big cash call at that time. Making all the owners cough up an additional however much per month to “raise’ the money and then make the repairs. We talked to one owner who said in the last 4 years they’ve paid close to an additional $60,000.00 on extra fees to cover renovation expenses,on top of the monthly strata/condo fees.

No thanks. I’m not moving into a place that has no idea how to plan in advance. Plus who knows how much else could go wrong in the next however many years that I could potentially have to contribute towards. I’m not interested.

Which is fine with me. Because I didn’t have my heart set on this house in the first place. Would it have been doable? Of course. A few coats of paint and some updated lights and it would’ve been fine. But now that it’s out of the picture I feel no sense of loss. In fact I even emailed my real estate agent this morning after I heard the news to see how the original one that I DO love is doing. He says the offer is still pending and it looks strong so that sucks, but he said he would keep an eye on it for me.

I guess the age-old saying still stands.

It ain’t over til it’s over. But man I just want it to be over.


-Kenny Rogers/The Gambler-

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Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

FullSizeRender

But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavement Even If It Leads Nowhere

So I’m on the plane waiting to take off for home.

I guess from an outsiders point of view, you could say this was a successful trip. Mainly based on the fact that…

I BOUGHT A HOUSE. Well, almost. Let me explain.

So the original property that I loved already had an offer on it, but the real estate agent that’s been helping everyone in the office found a new one that was just put on the market a few days ago, so we went to check it out.

First off, the neighbourhood was great. Way better than the first place I liked. It’s a townhouse (obviously) and when you drive into the complex there’s a park in a great little green area which would be excellent for little E and Z to play at after school while I’m making dinner or on weekends etc. And even while we were checking the place out, there were a few kids playing there, which was nice to see, knowing that there are other kids in the area. Then, the unit I’m purchasing (or attempting to) is located at the far end of the U-shaped complex, which means that the only traffic driving in front of my place would be myself and my would be neighbour, whose house is the very last one in the complex. So that’s always good for peace of mind, knowing if the kids are out riding bikes or playing out front, traffic is next to none. There’s a car port, which for Kelowna is good enough because with the weather you don’t require anything more than that, since you don’t have to worry about tons of snow in the winter, but even that is better than my current situation which is currently just a stall out back. There’s also 4-5 available parking spots right out front for visitors. Not that I have any friends in Kelowna right now that I would be expecting any time soon, but eventually.

The inside of the house didn’t have the wow factor like the original house did, but it has lots of great character like exposed wood beams and new bamboo flooring. I think it was just mainly paint colour and a few light fixtures that were off-putting. But as I started to look around I realized that the layout was pretty good and it has a really decent feel to it.

My boss A, has offered to come out and spend a couple of days painting after I pick out colours as well as update any light fixtures I want just to brighten the place up, before we move in. Other than that I had no issues with the place.

It fit all my requirements, like 3 bedroom/2 bath/various levels/safe area/close to schools and shopping and TONS of storage. Literally, I have no idea what I would even put in all those nooks and crannies lol.

But after the viewing we met up for lunch with everyone from the office and basically my boss and his dad (co-owners) decided they would by it, as the company, since these properties come up few and far between. If this whole Kelowna thing ends up falling through, they are confident they can resell it no problem. But right now, we have put in an offer to the owners and the company is taking care of down payment and basically everything else associated with it for now.

Then once I sell my house, I’ll be able to get my personal financing, and buy it from the company. It also means I’ll have an address to register my kids for school with, once that process starts in February.

Here I thought this trip was going to be a ‘research’ trip. Check out the sights. View the hotspots. Get to know the town etc. And I did. I visited multiple beaches. I went to my first (and second and third) winery and did multiple wine tastings. I had more lattes than I could keep track of, at more little independent coffee shops than I remember. I checked out the YMCA’s and other sports centres, and got pricing for memberships. I got info on the latest and greatest fruit & veggie stands. I saw different schools in various catchments. I learned where the druggies hang at night and where the ‘poor girls who can’t afford many clothes’ chill.

But I honestly didn’t think I’d be flying home with a property waiting for me to come back to.

Kelowna is beautiful. Relaxing and even though it was a stressful jam-packed trip, it was enjoyable. The entire city gave off an easy-going vibe.

But what it didn’t give off though, was a multi-cultural feel.

I saw 1 African American the entire trip. And that gave me pause. Will that cause issues for my kids? Will they be more likely to be targets of bullying because they stand out from others? Is this move going to be detrimental to them because of potential ignorance playing a higher role?

The very last thing that I want is for this move to cause problems for them, because I hadn’t thought that aspect through. On one hand, I feel like my kids will have to learn to love themselves no matter what other think/say, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a different colour skin tone, and so they need to know and truly believe that. But on the other hand, do I want to potentially make that issue a little more difficult than necessary for them to deal with? All because I want a little more relaxed lifestyle?


-Adele/Chasing Pavement-

I Wish Somebody Would Have Told Me That Some Day, These Will Be The Good Old Days

So I’m going to Kelowna this Thursday.

My boss paid for flights and handled our overnight accommodations, and it’s happening.

We all just decided that we needed to get a better sense of the city and maybe view a couple different houses, see the schools, and just get a better feel of the different neighbourhoods etc before we move further with this. Although at this point it’s pretty much green lights all around.

Like guys. I’m moving to Kelowna. For real. Soon. By this time next year I’ll most likely be in a custom-built home. That I’ve designed from scratch. Every tap and door handle. Each tile and window will have been chosen by me. For me.

And I don’t know how I feel. My boss finally let himself get excited today when we finally made the decision that this was happening. That it was going to work for everyone and be a good move, the right move all around. You could totally tell he was happy, well my coworker, J, too for that matter. But A verbalized it a few times, point-blank saying, I’m getting excited now. And it’s not that I’m not excited. It’s just that I don’t normally show it. I legitimately have googled, on more than one occasion, and read multiple studies on the traits of psychopaths, just to make sure I’m not one, just because of how emotionless I am sometimes. Don’t worry. I’m not a psychopath… I’m pretty sure 🙂 But I definitely wasn’t as excited about the move as either one of them.

Do I want to move? Yes.

Would I be okay to stay? Yes.

Am I happy about moving? Yes.

Is it stressing me out? Yes.

Do I think it would be good to move? Yes.

Do I think it would be easier to stay? Yes.

Soooo, you can see my newest issue.


-Macklemore Ft. Kesha/Good Old Days-

 

What A Revelation It Was To Her, When She Realized That She Didn’t Need To Settle

So this Kelowna thing.

It’s affecting me deeper than I expected. My boss is trying so hard to find a way to make it work for everyone, but right now, the focus is on myself, mainly because of the financial aspect. Sure soon I’ll have to deal with the whole E/visitation part but that’s an entirely different ball game.

As it is right now, I am the sole owner of my house. No co-signer. No renting. I own it. Which on its own is something to be proud of considering a few years ago I was flying back from Kenya with a negative bank balance and embarking on a journey to becoming a single parent. So looking at it in that light, I’ve come a long way.

Just apparently not far enough.

I love my house, and I’m proud of it. It suits my family’s needs perfectly and I couldn’t have found something better if I had looked for years! One of the best aspects of my place? Is the fact that it’s not a mobile home.

I realize that I’ll probably sound arrogant and uppity during this post, but why should this post differ from any other in me just saying what I’m thinking?

I’ve worked HARD to get myself and my kids to where we are now, and although we don’t live in a million dollar house, we don’t live in a trailer park, and never have. Which is something I can say that, yes, I am proud of when I truly think of it. Which is why this Kelowna thing is messing with me.

It is DAMN expensive there. At least comparatively to where I am now. To purchase accommodations similar to what I have now, would run me $400,000-$475,000 deep. And let’s be honest, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around. The money I do have? Enough for a mobile home in that area.

My boss is trying to make this move feasible for all of us in the office like I said. So he’s throwing out options like helping with the down payment or the company buying the place I choose, and then us arranging a lease to own type thing. But even with those options, there is a price cap, which would only put me in the “upper end” mobile homes (if that’s even a thing), or a really crappy/shady neighbourhood.

K, I totally appreciate the offer. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything. But this has gotten me so emotional.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get my family and myself where we are, that to me, moving until a mobile home would be a step back. I completely understand it’s probably because of the whole stigma with a trailer park etc, but why should I accept anything but the best for us? I’m not being forced into this move. I shouldn’t have to go unless I feel anything less than 100% about it right?

Sure. Except, my boss has made it clear that if I don’t go, the company doesn’t relocate.He doesn’t want to mess up the operations of the company and how smoothly it’s running now. So, no me? No move.  Which means that the house my boss and his wife have already contacted a Real Estate agent about? And are ready to put in an offer for? Gone. And I mean he is ready! I’ve been hearing him on the phone with his bank talking mortgages and down payments etc. It also means all the research my co-workers been doing on which new schools are best, day care costs, getting her husband on board even though HE doesn’t have a guaranteed job there once they move, will be for nothing.

All because I don’t want to live in a trailer park.

It’s not just the whole stigma of a trailer park though. It’s the whole mobile home. I like having an entirely empty floor between myself and the kids sometimes while they play in the basement and I’m ALL THE WAY upstairs in my room, as opposed to LITERALLY 2 feet away. I like that thick sound proof walls I have, and the nicely insulated walls, for both summer and winter. I like the full-sized hallways and space just for the sake of space. I like my foundation.

I also like the fact that I paid for it on my own. It’s been embarrassing at work to be the only person in this situation. Discussing finances with your boss is not the most comfortable thing. And it feels SUPER uncomfortable to just be expected to accept an offer for a house upgrade basically? It’s just yet another situation there’s no manual or How To book for. How many people, if asked the question has your company ever offered to buy you a house? Could genuinely say yes?

So maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted. Maybe this is way to good to be true. Maybe beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe Kharma does exist.


-Amy Rubin-

Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called. A couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

She Needs Wide Open Spaces Room To Make Her Big Mistakes She Needs New Faces She Knows The High Stakes

I know it’s been a week+ since I posted. I’ve been going back and working on editing my previous posts like I mentioned before.

But I had to write about today because again, I’ve been seriously asked by an employer if I would consider moving to Kelowna.

The first time was when I was 20, and I was working as a Nanny for this wonderful family. At this point I’d been their Nanny for around two years. They were good bosses and we got along well. Because of a new direction in the dads job, they were planning on moving to Kelowna. The mom would often show me houses they were looking at, and when they finally decided on a beautiful house, she explained in great detail all the fantastic stuff it came with. Starting with it being in a gated community, steps away from the lake… and it had a pool house in the back. And then she paused. I’m there waiting for more… like yeah ok?? Then she explained how they had taken into consideration me possibly moving with them when they were buying the house and if I were to come I would have my own little house in the back. So would I like to move to a new province with them?

Wow. I know I’m a good employee, but I did not see this coming. Up until that point, since I was working two jobs, I had just figured I would pick up more shifts at the restaurant for now until I figured out my next move. I asked her if I could have some time to think about it, and she said for sure and that was that.

I went home and thought about my life here and how at the time I was dating E, and I actually 100% truth, used him as my reason to stay. Well that and deep down I felt that if I moved with them now, I would feel obligated to be their Nanny forever. And I did not want to be a 40 year old Nanny. So after a couple days I told my boss that I was truly grateful for the offer, but I didn’t feel like I was ready to leave my life here, and that E and I were getting really serious so I didn’t want to jeopardize that.

Fast forward to today, and my current boss A asks me to step outside and brings up the possibility of us relocating to Kelowna if we are all on board with the idea. Like I said before, I work in a small office, where there are currently just the 3 of us actually in the office. We recruit people from all over Canada to work in remote areas up north, and most of the work is done over the phone/email. We don’t really have the guys we hire in office for anything so we can pretty much be based out of whatever city we want. And weather wise, Kelowna would be MUCH better than where I currently am, as well as so many other positives.

As far as attachments to my current city… I don’t have many. I’m easy going and as you know I’ve moved country’s before so a relocation to another province seems like a drop in the bucket to me. I mean at least we’d still be in Canada.

I mentioned it to my parents, and my mom felt like it would be good, although she told me she cried after the phone call, which I totally get. It was hard on them when I upped and moved to Africa with their grandkids. My dad straight up told me that he didn’t like it and I shouldn’t do it. Unless I was 30 years invested into the job and my pension was hinged on it, I should just get another job here in the city.

But the thing is, I really have no attachment to where I live. I hate the winters. I don’t like the big city feel. Among so many other factors.

So to be given the opportunity to move to a warmer, smaller town, where I have family already, AND have a job there? Why wouldn’t I jump at that?

Plus at this point having been asked by 3 different people (two bosses and also when K asked if I would consider living there) to move to the same city, kinda seems like maybe I should start listening to the hints the world is trying to send my way.

So for now, it’s just an idea that’s floating around the office, but maybe this is the big move number 3 that the psychic/palm reader was talking about lol.


-Dixie Chicks/Wide Open Spaces-

I’ve Got Thick Skin And An Elastic Heart/You Did Not Break Me I’m Still Fighting For Peace

Ok guys. So after spending Monday in a hot mess, and I mean MESS. I was breaking down and crying every time my kids weren’t in the room, and maybe once or twice when they were. I had my epiphany. At least I hope it’s my light bulb moment because if not… well then I’m headed down the wrong path lol.

After what happened with my grandpa, and a few other stressful events that of course just had to happen this weekend involving K, that I’m not ready to get into yet, I just broke on Monday. I was barely functioning, and couldn’t contain my crying, it was bad. But I didn’t realize how bad until my brother-in-law D went to give me a hug goodbye, since they were heading out from my grandpa’s that evening, and after the hug he did that pause where his hand kinda lingered on my back while he said take care or something, I don’t even remember, because everything inside of me was screaming at him to stop touching me.

That’s when I realized how much the night before with my grandpa had affected me. Obviously I had spent the day crying, but I thought maybe I was overly tired and just emotional. But when I literally couldn’t stand the thought of D giving me a hug, I knew I was messed up. Also I did tell N what had happened, just because I wanted to get it off my chest. Now, nothing negative against N, but she kept bringing it up throughout the day again. Here I am trying to get over it and just get back into my regular routine and push it as far from my mind as possible, and every 30 minutes or whatever she’s asking if I’m sure I’ll be OK, or saying just make sure I have my phone close etc. I get that she was trying to ease my worries but to me it was just bringing up the feelings/thoughts/emotions that I had just managed to get out of my head 5 minutes ago.

And it made me understand that N doesn’t get it. She has never been raped. She didn’t understand the fear I was feeling. Or why it came back in huge waves. Or why I haven’t slept since. But I get it. I understand it. I’ve been there.

As I drove home yesterday, I spent the majority of the 11 hour car ride considering why all this shitty stuff keeps going on in my life, and how if possible can I turn it for good. How can I make this work for me? What can I do with this pile of crap I’ve been given to make a positive impact?

So the only idea that came to me, and that is still a huge work in progress, is that I’m going to make my blog more “public” in an effort to help those in my community.

I thought maybe I could use my experiences to help others who have been through similar things. And considering my wide range of  experiences… I might be able to relate to many people. In my mind I see myself relating to many women/teens who are struggling with issues that I have gone through and just want someone to talk to. Like how I just wanted someone to tell and so I told N, but because she’s never been through anything like it, she didn’t know how to handle it.

I know that many people just want to talk. Not so that they can be told what to do, or be judged, or feel like they’re at the shrinks office but just to know that they aren’t alone. And that others have survived issues like them, and that there is nothing wrong with them. That it is do-able, getting through this crazy life. That no matter how ridiculous it seems at the time, you can make it through.

So, I’ve decided to make myself vulnerable by slowly kinda revealing myself in a sense to those around me, so that others can learn, or feel comforted by this.

Over the next little while, I’ll be revisiting my posts to edit and review what I’ve written. Freshen up my posts, add all the details I missed in my haste to just get my story out. But from there I haven’t figured out the details of how this plan will play out… only that I feel right in doing this. But… lol forgive how lame this sounds, but last night I actually had dreams of doing public speaking at high schools and stuff. Like motivational speeches. It was weird and crazy, but here’s a quote my grandma had written…

“After all was said and done, A lot was said and not much done.”

So I figured at this point, I’ve said a lot, I should start doing something.

So if you have any suggestions… lol, let me know.


-Sia/Elastic Heart-

I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me

What the fuck. My Grandpa just made a pass at me. What the fuck. What the fuck.

I’m living the fucken twilight zone you guys.

Earlier today he asked me if I was still taking my ‘medication’ and I remembered that my mom had told both him and my aunt how I indulge in weed and it helps with my seizure related headaches. So I told him that normally I ‘take’ it every night but I didn’t bring anything on this trip because… well awkward (ha little did I know how awkward/awful it was going to get). So he started talking about how he had a few joints around and how he hadn’t smoked since before my grandma (HIS WIFE) died in June. (Quick reminder, I’m in town for her memorial, which happened yesterday) So he suggested we smoke a joint together later at night. I was honestly just thrilled because I’ve had the worst sleeps the last two nights and I just wanted to have like a solid 6 hours of sleep and I would be ecstatic.

So everyone else finally went to bed today and we sat in the carport/garage and had a few drags each, finishing about half the joint. Meanwhile he’s talking all this stuff about how he’s got these friends who grow it here and he can get it for me no problem. And then after a couple puffs he says OK that’s enough especially if you don’t smoke. (I had explained how edibles are my go to). I’m feeling nothing at this point but I’m not gonna push it, so we say our goodnights and I figured that was that.

I get into bed and put in my earplugs a cousin gave me yesterday in an attempt to sleep better, and start to browse instagram a bit, even considered starting a post but figured I would wait until I get home because I have SO much to say, when I felt a hand on my ankle.

These earplugs are amazing, It’s my grandpa asking if I wanna go finish the doobie as he so often calls it, and I didn’t hear him walk in at all. I’m totally up for it because at this point I feel nothing yet, so we step right out my door into the garage (I’m sleeping in a room that’s not an actual room but a link between his room and a carport type thing… in a trailer park… it’s hard to explain.) Anyways we go outside and finish off the first one and he asks me to grab his stash from inside and we light up another one.

Now I finally have a light buzz, but he’s gone, like way far gone. I asked him how he was. Just a simple question, ‘how are you’ and he gets all existential on me.

How are any of us? I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. And here I am thinking he’s thinking about my recently deceased grandmother. And so I’m trying to just make him feel better, saying things like we can’t always plan out everything in life. We don’t know what to expect but we make it work.

And I don’t even remember his exact words because I’m still so shocked it happened, but he went with what I said, and rolled it into how we don’t know what to expect and we have to make the best of it…. and we should make the best of this moment him and I.

What the fuck? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Maybe this BC weed is messing with my head differently. So I just kinda let it slide. Thinking I totally misread the situation, or at the very least misheard.

But then he legitimately said here I am making a pass at my own grandchild. And he keeps trying to put his hand on my knee or leg and I’m like grandpa stop. No thanks. And so he stands up while I’m still sitting on my chair and tried to give me a hug and I had to push him back with both hands on his chest while he tried to kiss the top of my head. And then he finally walked away.

And my head is just messed up. Not like in a confused way like oh maybe I should’ve… No definitely not. But in a what the fuck just happened to me way.

When he walked back into the house he left the door ajar and I’m slightly shocked/confused/scared/worried. So I followed, but not too close that he thinks I’m following to join him, but to make sure the horny bastard doesn’t do anything to Z or even little E.

He passed both of them sleeping on the floor in my ‘room’, and I closed the door connecting our rooms and then went back outside to just… wrap my head around “this”, whatever this is.

Ok, I get that he’s lonely, his wife just died. And maybe weed makes some people horny, and obviously we don’t think 100% how we normally would while we’re high, but come the fuck on. My Grandfather. My flesh and blood grandpa. Who’s turning 82 tomorrow. Just hit on me.

And if you can’t keep it together enough to realize that? Than you shouldn’t be smoking for starters is really all I can think of to say right now. Other than that I’m speechless. So I’m heading to bed. And I’ve decided to sleep WITHOUT the earplugs tonight for those if you wondering.


-Ozzy Ozbourne/Crazy Train-