A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I'm literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can't pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I've heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I'm feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I've been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could've called he would've and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I'm very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… 'no strings attached' and how he said he wasn't going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn't called anyone! I'm actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don't give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he's ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn't give out that information.

So I'm literally no better than I was before.

I spent an entire two days trying to 'move on' even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM's me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn't promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you're potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he'd 'behave' of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don't mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would've been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn't MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It's definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights already?
Why can't I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there's J who I haven't even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I've made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I've got going on.

-Usher/Yeah-

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She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that's being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn't blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen but it was fun. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row ( the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn't want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here's an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Please Don’t Look At Me With Those Eyes Please Don’t Hint That Your Capable Of Lies I Dread The Thought Of Our Very First Kiss

Maybe my tape measure is faulty, because I can think of no other logical explanation for how every man I’ve recently met recently whose profile said they were 6 feet plus, turned out near my height or as was the case last night, MUCH shorter. I’m 5’9, unless, like I said, every tool I’ve ever used to measure my height was faulty, then men just lie about their height, as if that’s not something noticeable the woman is going to pick up on ASAP. If you feel you MUST lie about something, lie about your shoe size or how many cars you own, or tell me some sad sob story about how your long lost brother died when you were 12 and so you do charity work in his name… just not something obvious that I’m going to be able to call you out on the minute I see you! Common!

So it started off, this guy I’ve really casually been chatting to for a couple months asked me out for coffee last night. My kids were spending the night at my parents (Woooo party 🎉 lol) and so I agreed. Turns out he lived really close and so we picked a coffee shop nearby and a time and that was that.

I decided to walk to the Timmys since it was close by and I just wanted a nice stroll without kids and a chance to clear my head before I met the guy. Basically it was my pep talk time lol. I’d hardly done this before, so since I had about 5 minutes to get ready I brushed my teeth, rolled on some deodorant, went pee and that was the extent of my ‘date’ prep. I threw on my chucks, still in the same clothes I wore to work, stuck in my headphones and headed out the door. Hey I figured if you only give me 5 minutes to get ready, how good can you really expect me to look lol?
The whole 20 minute walk I’m going over scenarios in my head, while reminding myself that if I don’t like him I can leave, and I don’t owe him anything.

So I got to the coffee shop and met the guy. First impression? Eh. I knew right off the bat he was not the one. I found myself comparing him to other men and not liking many aspects of his personal appearance as well as mannerisms. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we got alone just fine, like I had a decent night, but no thanks, I’m not interested in doing that again.

He was sitting in a booth so I walked in and sat across from him and we said our hi’s and all that awkward stuff. Then he asked me what I wanted and I gave him my order and then excused myself to use the washroom quickly. I just wanted to regroup and also I’ve been drinking so much water lately that after the walk my bladder was going to burst.
I came out and he was still in line so I joined him and our turn was up. He ordered for us, remembering my order like a pro and we kept up the banter no problem. The problem though? Is that I found myself slouching so that I didn’t seem so tall. It was weird, but subconsciously I feel like if a man goes to such lengths to lie about his height, he must be worried about it, so let me support him by not ever seeming taller than him or something… ridiculous I know, but while we were waiting for our teas I realized a few times that I wasn’t standing as I normally would. Instead my legs were more spread or my shoulders dramatically slouched. I think he noticed it to, since he was constantly leaning on things as if he could defend his height lie by saying oh I’m taller than this it’s because I’m leaning or sitting on the edge here etc.
But moving on lol. We got our drinks and then we road tripped to Costco. But nooooo not the 2 right near us, we had to drive to the one way on the other side of town… because, I realized later, 2 buddy’s of his worked in the liquor store at that location and I think he just wanted to be seen with me.
So we spent over an hour browsing Costco for about 6 items he needed. That’s it. What a waste of time!
I get it was supposed to be fun, but he just kept pushing the cart so slowly OR WORSE stopping it for like 5 minutes in the middle of the busiest aisle to talk… about nothing! Well that’s a lie. He spent a good solid 10 minutes telling me literally everything he eats in a day. 😫. At one point in that conversation I actually told him I was bored with it (rudest thing I’ve ever done on a date) and he said I know but I’m almost done… and kept going! He used to be a really heavyset guy and over the last 3 years or so I guess he’s lost about 50 pounds, which is great! But I don’t need your detailed meal plan. Like not only did he tell me WHAT he ate, but also portion sizes (ounces and everything) and how he prepared it. It was excruciatingly boring to listen to.

So then we went and browsed the books and movies section where we saw the CD/DVD’s that teach you to speak another language. So we talked about that for a minute and he’s like I’ve always wanted to learn a different language, I should get one. I’m just thinking like dude, don’t get one. If you haven’t bought one by now, you don’t need it/won’t use it, don’t buy it just to impress me. But I kept my mouth shut. Turns out, yep he’s apparently going to attempt to learn Spanish 😏. Sure he is. That CD is going to sit unopened in his house forever, but that’s not my problem.

Then we finally made it out of Costco and next door towards the liquor store. I’m not a big drinker but he DEFINITELY is. He kept discussing this alcohol vs. that alcohol and the benefits of one compared to the other. It was just another boring conversation. Then he met his 2 friends that I guess he hits up the gym with and he was polite about it, he didn’t chat it up with them forever it was a simple quick hey how’s it going what’s up kinda thing. Then he bought about $400 worth of alcohol. 400. W. T. F. Dude? Is this a normal Thursday night for you? Or how often do you do this? Or is this a one time impress C move? Cause I’m more concerned than impressed to be honest! But whatever your not my responsibility.

Anyways, we got into the car and at this point we didn’t really have a destination and he was just driving in the direction we came. I hate that. I don’t just ‘go for drives’ I think it’s pointless and a waste of gas. When I drive I have a destination or I at least know like let’s go for a drive around the city… then I know once we finish the loop around the city we’re done and we go home. But the whole just drive thing… no. Not for me. So I was like just head to my place, mainly based on the fact I needed to know where we were going. Once we got to my house a massive storm had started and we sat in the car for a while chatting.

I didn’t really want to invite him in but I didn’t really want to be rude and not… so I was like oh, you probably have to get that meat home and in the fridge… or did you want to come in? What time do you have to get up for work again? Knowing he gets up at like 4 AM.
So I did my part lol and he politely declined my lame invite and said yeah he had to get home or he would have come in for sure. Next time definitely. I was like that’s assuming there is a next time but whatever. I thanked him for the night and then ran into my house through the rain… oh he did offer me an umbrella but I honestly didn’t want to have any reason to have to see him again so I turned it down, besides what’s a little water right? I won’t melt. At least I haven’t yet.

He texted me about 15 minutes later something about getting home through the storm ok, and he tried to continue the conversation for a bit, but I honestly just wanted to chill and maybe watch some tv or sleep, so I wasn’t to responsive.
So to be fair, it was a pleasant enough night, but one I don’t want to repeat. So the next day I politely as possible texted him and explained that he was a nice guy and I had a good time, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for and I didn’t see it going anywhere. Then I wished him all the best.
Better luck to the next one.


-Blink 182/First Date-

No, I Don’t Want Your Number No, I Don’t Want To Give You Mine And No, I Don’t Want To Meet You Nowhere No, I Don’t Want None Of Your Time

Wow! Men are literally coming outta the woodwork.

I took a picture at work and posted it on the gram today (because I look amazing as I discussed yesterday lol) and my phones been going non-stop. I guess I should preface this by saying selfies for me used to be VERY rare. Like my whole Instagram feed has maybe 10 pictures of me, since the dawn of my page about 4 years ago, and probably 5 of them are within the last 6 months. But even those other few pictures never garnered this much response. So now I’ve posted a selfie… and these guys are all up in my DM and texting.

But for real all these guys keep dropping hints like they’re free tonight, or they’re only in town for a little while longer… but then nothing. I’m like, be a man, and ask me out. Don’t leave it to me. Make a plan. Follow through. I’m not impressed by your utter lack of effort. I’m not going to invite guys over to my place just cause it’s convenient for everyone. I want a date. And so either be willing to make that effort or I’m moving on… right fast.

I’m no longer worried about being ‘undatable’ or something. I’ve come to learn that I’m totally dating/marriage material, but men nowadays just don’t ask women on dates.

But I’m a patient woman. I can totally wait for the one that will.

In the meantime though I’m keeping this rant short and sweet since I’m at the park with my kiddos.

Which bring me to who, by the way, decided sand between your toes was an amazing feeling? It’s so annoying! It scratches your feet, rubs between your skin and sandals, and to top it off it’s a pain to walk in.


-TLC/No Scrubs-

Take Me To Church I’ll Worship Like A Dog At The Shrine Of Your Lies

So after K got sent back, I had a little falling out with my mother. I was emotional and needed someone to talk to and you’d think by now I’d have learned that that person should never be my judgemental mom but deep down inside I still want to have a open and good relationship with her. So I try and take steps towards that… steps that include telling her some aspects of my life others may keep to themselves. On one hand it’s a fine line because my mother asks too many personal questions as it is and gets to involved anyways, so I have to make sure she understands that I’m a grown woman and some parts of my life are none of her business, while on the other hand, I do want her advice on certain things, since yes she has a few years on me and experience is always a welcome point of view. But the thing with my mom is, she gets terribly offended if you don’t share every detail with her and if you don’t DO everything how she would’ve done it, or how she advised you too… which therefore leads me to just not share those parts of my life with her in the first place. Kinda like a What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her type thing. 

Don’t get it twisted, she knows I get high like every night and thinks it’s a great and natural way to handle my epilepsy. She knows about my past with men and… well she thinks it’s in the past, because I just don’t feel the need to discuss every sexual partner I’ve had with my mother. She knows about the rape and the issues with E. Like she knows pretty much everything, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with her. 

So when K was sent back, and I really needed someone to talk to, I will never for the life of me figure out why I felt like calling up my mom instead of any one of my girlfriends who knew about K already. Or one of my coworkers who saw flowers get delivered from him on my birthday. Or my sister N who met him when we walked over to her place one night. Or anyone else on the planet apart from my MOTHER. But no. Somewhere deep inside caused me to call my mom. Because I was missing a guy. 

I can’t remember how the conversation went, because it didn’t go well. I was just looking for someone to tell me it would be ok, and basically my mom was not in a position to do that. She was mad at me because I hadn’t told her about K sooner. I tried explaining that K and I weren’t together/dating whatever, and so there was nothing to say. I don’t feel the need to run every friend past my parents for approval. It’s not like I was keeping secrets. Then she pulled the whole ‘You’re still married’ card out on me. Yes, officially, I am still married. Since my divorce has taken over 3 years, and is still not finalized then, yes I am still married. So your right. I guess I am formally a ‘heathen’ for that. Which lead her to asking why do I even go to church still. So I thought about how I would tell her in the simplest way, without hurting her feelings too much. I don’t really believe in God. That’s not true. Well it is but..  Ah, I believe there’s a being out there. A fantastic divine being that has somehow orchestrated this world. But I don’t believe it’s the god that’s discussed and portrayed in the bible at most churches. So, yes. Until that call with my mom I attended church and it was fine. But mostly it was to instill certain values and morals into my children from a young age that are taught at the church. Like the fruits of the spirit, patience, self control, joy etc. Also, then my kids could see my parents once a week. 

Well let me tell you, that went over like a led balloon, and my mother was like ‘don’t bother coming if that’s why’ I know very Christian of her… but needless to say, the last two Sundays the kids and I have chilled at home because of this and it’s been very nice. Then this morning my Dad texted to see if we were going to church. I said no, so he asked if he could take the kids. Sure why not I figured. Even though I know my mom probably put him up to it, my dad is just trying to stay out of the drama and be neutral. He’s the least likely person I know to start an argument, mainly because that would cut into his TV time and heaven forbid that ever happens! But anyways, he showed up this morning with a coffee for me and picked up the kids and said he would drop them off after lunch. He made no comments about how I should be going to church or anything about K. He just lets grown people live their lives. Something my mom is having issues with. 

My mom thinks I should only date one man who I plan on marrying, and only once my divorce is done. I’m like how will I know I want to marry them until I try dating them? Oh she also thinks that I should have to introduce him to my parents within like the first week of meeting him, but that my kids shouldn’t meet him until we’re practically married. Yes I’m almost 30 but she feels the need to intrude on my sex/relationship life with her ‘advice’. She was so offended by my secret keeping because apparently she thought this whole time I’ve been living on my own, I was… I dunno celibate or something? And I guess her finding out I’d been hanging out with someone for almost a year messed with her. Why it affects her life so much I’ll never get. 

I could understand if she was offended that I didn’t tell her I had a boyfriend, or was officially dating someone, but I wasn’t. I was messing around with K and a bunch of other guys. And I didn’t think she needed to know every time I took my pants off. But it’s just like the last little while before K went back things changed between us… things were said… feeling became… deeper for a lack of a better word, and that’s why I was so emotional about it, and needed someone to talk it out with. 

99% my fault for choosing my mom and disturbing the balance of our relationship. 1% her fault for assuming I would tell her all those personal details that she doesn’t need to know about anyone besides her and my dad. 

Either way, I have an unexpected kid free morning, and I’m liking it!

-Hozier/Take Me To Church-

Am I Out Of My Mind? If You Only Knew The Bad Things I Like Don’t Think That I Can Explain It. What Can I Say, It’s Complicated

So I’ve been in and out of touch with K since he first got re-arrested. I’m sorry I don’t remember where I left off with this story so if I repeat myself or miss a whole chunk (hopefully not) please forgive me. 

The last time I heard from him was Monday when he called again after he’d been transferred to the federal prison a couple hours away, to check how it was going with me getting his final pay check for him. But I’ll be honest… I was kinda pissed at him for his call on Saturday. All because he three-way’d me from a chicks phone to let me know he was transferred there and to at least touch base. 

But, being the girl I am, I took Saturdays call way out of context and let my imagination get the best of me. Without asking who was on the three-way call on Saturday while it was happening, I assumed the worst and after I got off the phone I looked up the #. Mainly because during the very first phone call after K got locked up, he mentioned something about only writing down 5 numbers to have with him, mine being one of them. When I asked him what other numbers he had saved, he avoided the question a few times. So I knew there was something he’d rather I not know… which obviously made me want to know it even more lol. So when he three way’d me, my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know who else he was calling from prison. I took the number that showed up on my phone Saturday and through my WhatsApp found it belonged to some girl here in my city. Yep. I wasn’t happy. So all day Saturday and Sunday after his call I spent pretty much brooding about that. 

Then by the time he called Monday to see if I had had a chance to call his boss and pick up his final pay check, I told him I was pissed at him. 

He was like for what!?! He’s like I’m seriously stuck here? What could I have possibly done wrong? He explained that he didn’t have a lot of time because he was calling from some officers office phone and so he had to make it quick, but wanted to deal with why I was mad. 

So I explained that I was upset he called me three way from some random girls number and I don’t want to be second to anyone. Like if you wanna talk to me, then call me. First. Not as some afterthought while your chatting up another woman. 

Ohhh man. 

He was not too happy 😐. He’s like OMG C, I had to ask a guy here if I could jump on his call to his chick, then asked her to call you, so I could talk to you, because I have no money/credit for the phone! I’m trying to call you any way I can and your being all fucking emotional about everything. I can’t deal with this right now I have enough shit in here I have to deal with. Then he threatened to not call me anymore. He actually said if I was going to be like this, then this was the last time I would hear from him the whole time he was in there, because it was stressful enough enough without all my additional fuckery. 

So I calmed him down and said it was within my right to ask who the person was that was on the phone listening while we were talking on Saturday. And that yeah, I probably blew it out of proportion, but if he had just told me when he called what was happening, like while three way was going on, I would’ve understood and there would’ve been no misunderstanding. Something like, Hi C it’s K I’m calling three way with another guys girl, because I have no credit. It’s really stressing me out which is why it would mean a lot to me if you could get me my money ASAP. 

Anyways, I read through the lines… since that decidedly did not happen like that lol and I have been calling his boss on average 5 times a day and I am continually sent to voicemail, so I’ve yet to get his check. But I totally get that he needs the money. So I did about an hours worth of research to figure out how to get him money on Monday. His ex also texted me that afternoon (she had my number from when K and I three way’d her the week prior) to see if I had heard from him and how he was doing. He had just said that if I needed help figuring out how to get the money to him that she might be able to help since she had done it last time. Although lol he did make a comment about not answering too many of her questions. So after I did my research and found that a money order was best, I ran it through the ex to make sure what I had found was all kosher and she said that it would work. I explained that he hadn’t called her yet because he had no money but I was working on getting him some so hopefully he can be calling people directly soon. 

I walked to the post office during my break that afternoon and sent a $100 money order to him at the institution just to try it out. I wanted to make sure the address was correct and that it was going to get where it needed to go. I also read during my research that inmates need to have a list of approved contacts of people they can receive money etc from. So I didn’t want to send a large amount, but then K hadn’t had a chance to add me to his list, and then what happens to the money? 

So anyways… the money was sent on Monday, which means it should arrive anytime now. I have no idea how long it takes the institution to process mail, and then get the money into his account if everything goes well. 

All I know is that I haven’t heard from him since Monday. 

Weather that be because he has no money, or got sent to the hole, or is sticking by his word to not call me for the remainder of his stint… or maybe even he got the money, saw it was only $100 and thought I was cheating him by keeping most of his check and only sending $100… who knows. 

But I’m not holding my breath for a call. 

Remember… no strings attached. 
-Machine Gun Kelly Ft. Camila Cabello/Bad Things-

Love in a Thousand Different Flavours I Wish That I Could Taste Them all Tonight No, I Ain’t Got No Dinner Plans

After W was killed, months had passed since the funeral and I had had multiple conversations with myself about “moving on”. One week I particular I found my thoughts constantly dwelling on things like ‘was I ready’, and if I was how would I even meet someone new?!? I no longer went to the club/pub/bars, and my circle of friends had been drastically reduced since the previous summer when I was raped by M and quit the job where we had both worked, and a lot of my friends worked as well. I kinda cut them all out of my life and wanted a hundred percent fresh start, without anything to remind me of M, and that basically left me with W only, until he died and I was left with no one. So I had a new apartment downtown (I had obviously moved out of the apartment M&A and I were going to share) I literally had like zero friends, all of my own doing, and a recently deceased boyfriend, and I was 20 years old and had to start fresh. 

I had no clue about how I was going to do it. And one week it was really on my mind a lot. So I had decided I was going to make a move and go out that Friday night, on my own, dancing. So it was maybe Wednesday or Thursday and I went to the mall on my day off after work to find something new to wear for the club. I was there for maybe an hour or so and honestly wasn’t feeling it and decided to head home thinking I could always try again next week, considering it’s not like I would let anyone down by not going, I had only made plans with myself anyways. 

So I was walking out to my car in the mall parking lot when a man came up to me. And I’ll be real, I don’t really remember how the conversation went but the just of it was he worked out of town, as a lot of people do in our city, and just needed a place to chill for a few days, so could he stay with me. 

Now any ‘normal person would scream hell no and beeline for safety, but nope, not me. I thoughtfully considered this very attractive man before me and instead of just straight out saying no I made some lame excuses about living in a bachelor suite and only having one bed. I thought maybe this was the universes way of helping me get over W, since I’d been thinking about it for a while now. And that’s when his pickup game became even stronger cause he pulled out something like ‘oh we’ll just have to share a bed then’ and somehow within about 1-2 minutes of literally seeing him for the first time, I agreed to let him stay a couple days with me knowing full well I would sleep with him once he got to my place. I honestly took it as a sign. I wanted to make a move to get out and meet new guys and here was one right in front of me… sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

I for real can’t even remember his name, so we’ll just call home John Doe or JD. But JD was the second guy I ever slept with. And yes he was 100% a rebound or recover or whatever you want to call him, but he helped me get over the loss of W… maybe. Probably not. I still think what if W was still around so maybe I’m not completely over him, but are we ever? 

Anyways, I gave JD my address and we met later at my apartment. We hung out almost every spare moment over the next probably 4-5 days. He took me to the hottest Jamaican restaurants in town and then every night we hit up a different dance hall/party that was going on in and around the city. JD seemed to have the know with everything. He had all the hookups and best connections, he also seemed to have the money for everything. Made me wonder why he didn’t want to stay at a hotel, but hey, I didn’t ask those kind of questions, I had my own reasons for chilling with him. 

Anyways by the time the weekend neared the end, JD had to head back to work and I was ready to ‘get back out there’ again. JD was a fun time, a very much needed escape, and boy had he taught me a thing or two in bed! I guess having sex with someone over double your age and a heck of a lot of experience will do that! But he made me realize that there are so many experiences out there waiting for me. And also that it’s totally possible for a man to treat you with kindness and respect for a few days, even knowing he won’t benefit in the long term from it. But just because your a woman and he’s a man. 

We both entered into that weekend knowing it would only be a few days, yet he treated me like a queen. He didn’t try to hide me from anyone or anything. We went to house parties and he would introduce me around and gladly make sure I was comfortable with a drink and that I wasn’t creeped on all night. He bought groceries for my place, and would make the bed every morning. I’m just saying, he could’ve been a complete dick, but instead acted like a gentleman and gave me hope about getting back out there. He made me believe that, yep, it would be worth it one day. 
So JD, even though you were 46 years old and picking up chicks in the mall parking lot, your lucky your SOO fine or else I would’ve left you there, but also thanks for making my first experience into the fwb world decent. 

Or maybe no thanks to you? Maybe if you had been awful I would’ve gave up more easily and wouldn’t have messed around with so many men after you in search of “Mr. Right” 

Either way, JD, your bold parking lot antics paved the way for many more men over the next decade to come. 

May they forever be in debt to you. 
-Jason Derulo/Swalla-

Promiscuous Girl You’re Teasing Me You Know What I What And I Got What You Need 

K, I originally wrote this yesterday while waiting to meet my friends for lunch, when my whole WordPress crashed and I lost the entire fucking post. I was choked. So sorry if it’s not as “good” as normal, but I’m really just moody about having to redo it. 😒. 

This morning I met a friend for coffee at a new cafe in our city’s brewery district downtown. It was a cute enough place and all, but it was the location that caught my attention. Last time I was in that exact spot, it was still an empty lot. Well, apart from myself and J. 

J was the last guy I met/slept with before E. He also managed to make it past the “one and done,” mainly because his one was… well it was GOOD! Lol. J was memorable for a few things, the main one being we never had sex in the same spot twice. We were only “friends” for about a month, but you name a place, we fucked there. 

Yes, including the once empty lot in a bustling downtown metropolis which now houses an up and coming urban cafe. 

It was a very cool late winter/early spring night when we went for a walk downtown and, as things are prone to do on a casual walk with your friend with benefits, the topic turned sexual. So sexual, that we decided it was pertinent to deal with things then and there instead of heading home. So we found a somewhat dimly lit place and stripped down to nothing in the backlot to take care of business. 

There are definitely some ups and downs to having sex outside of the bed/ house. For starters, you know when you get really into it and you get all hot and sweaty? Not a problem outside in like March in Canada. Also, the adrenaline alone, of being seen/watched/caught makes the whole experience way more intense. On the flip side? There’s gravel or sand where nothing should ever be, and you thought rug burn was bad? Think road rash. 😵. 

But J and I had fun! He was always making plans for us to do things exciting together. He wanted to be seen out in public with me. We never just chilled at home watching tv or on the couch. J made moves and brought me with him. We had sex outside the club like in the literal doorway of the club while his friend stood “guard”. We messed around in my parking garage on many occasions. He took me to see the lights on the bridge and then we climbed it and…yep we very dangerously screwed up there. 

J had ideas and plans and brought me with him on his journey for the month I knew him. I appreciated that he didn’t just want to come to my house and fuck and then leave. We got out. We did things. We had fun. 

Then it wasn’t enough for me? Or, I don’t even know. But for some unknown reason I was still meeting up with other guys and found E. And for some reason that will never be a good one, I picked E over any of the guys I was messing with, and I was done with J. I was done with being taken out for fun. I was done with a guy wanting to be with me in public and taking me dancing. I had my last opportunity to be driven around in a nice car *I know I said I’ve never dated a guy with a car before, but I don’t count these guys. Unless we had a conversation about being ‘together’ then to me we weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive unless they asked me to be theirs… make sense?

Shit I made a bad decision. Choosing E (among others). Hopefully one I’ve learned from. I’ve learned that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to have fun with me. I don’t want a relationship that’s hidden in the house, since that’s all E and I ever did. E never wanted to go out with me, nor did he have any ideas if we did actually venture out. I want a guy who wants to DO things with me. I want to live life with them. Not sit/lay around the house all day. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Now just to find that guy. 

-Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland/Promiscuous-

Only for Tonight Only for One Night Even Though You Don’t Love Me

My friends… at least the single ones, are constantly coming to me for “dating” advice. And when that happens, I laugh. In the entire history of the world, I’m like the least qualified person to be giving out advice about dating. Getting a guy for a quick fling, sure I’m your girl. But Honey, if your actually seriously about getting with someone long-term… walk away from me lol.

I think co-workers and friends just liked hearing my stories each week about my weekend romps and whatever hilarious guy I was with recently. And I do have a flair for the dramatic when I tell those stories, as well as way too many dick pics to back them up.

Oh, and seriously what is with guys sending out those pics if I haven’t asked for them, which I think I’ve done maybe twice. It’s like a guy thinks if I have given him my number, then I want to see a picture of his junk. SOOO NOT TRUE!  I gave you my number so we could hook up sometime. If I got to the point of giving you my number, than I already plan on sleeping with you, you don’t need to try to “impress” me with your penis. I’ll see it eventually. Ohhh and a heads up (lol, pun intended) it probably won’t be the best dick pic I’ve ever gotten so PLEASE stop sending them. I honestly keep them for a month or two (not even, sometimes it DUA/delete upon arrival lol), and then delete them to make room for pictures of my kids on my phone. I have only 2 dick pics on my phone right now, and they both belong to the same guy so it probably only counts as one. But to be straight up, I never look at them,  or have “used it” while taking care of my business on my own. Like it does not turn me on. But to each their own.

I think some chicks were jealous of the sheer number of guys I was dealing with at certain times. But to be honest ladies, it’s not hard at all. Like if you want dick… it’s out there and pussy has power. So the choice is yours.  I don’t regret the number of guys I’ve fucked, because for the most part I’ve enjoyed them. Sure there’s the odd dud every now and then, but that’s life. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. Would I prefer it to be enjoyed with one person… I think so, which is why I’ve deactivated my online dating accounts. But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming…. Trying to remember who is who can get complicated.

 

Like this screen cap used to be a standard night, before I finally invite one of them over.

 

But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with in the past. It was what I wanted at the time, and made for some good memories.

Because, in messing around with all these guys, I learned so many different techniques and positions and was able to try out so many different sexual experiments that led me to learn what I like, as well as what I don’t. Things that I never would’ve experienced if I had ended up with W. Or even if I had stayed with E. For example I would’ve never found out that I’m a squirter from some older gentleman, while strapped spread-eagle to a bed and blindfolded, while he used his selection of “tools” (Squirting is something, as much as I enjoy, I also find annoying because when I squirt now, I find I’m just thinking about cleaning up the mess instead of enjoying myself) Point is, every “partner” has brought their own style and tricks to the bedroom/couch/table/countertop/floor/shower etc. and I’ve taken the good away from each encounter, and left the bad kissers, tiny dicks, sloppy tongues or whatever behind.

So am I experienced? Yes. Am I willing to try new things? Yes. Should I write a book called Dating for Dummies? Heck no! As noted before, I know nothing about dating, having never been on a “date” before. I have guys over, we have sex, and I try to get them out ASAP. They NEVER spend the night, and it’s even better when they don’t stay around for small chit chat after we’re done. I try and get my point across by getting dressed pretty much as soon as I’m done. Hoping they’ll take the hint… which has been pretty successful so far.

So if you want a “How To” book from me, it would definitely not be one on dating. It would be more along the lines of “How to Master the One Night Stand.”

 

-The Weeknd/Wicked Games-