I’ve Stopped Breathing, But Completely Aware ‘Cause You’re Giving Me A Million Reasons

I’m getting used to this change. Whatever happened to me. However you feel fit to describe it. I’m getting used to it. With each day that passes it’s become less overwhelming. I’m also learning and discovering more with every minute.

Like the fact that while yes, the main energy I feel is from my friend, who I’ll just reveal now is K, *I’ll come back to this later in the post* I do feel energy from other people too.

I started to recognize this fact on Monday or Tuesday while I was still so boggled down by all that was consuming my mind from this new change. There was so much energy flowing through me and my body was vibrating and I felt like I couldn’t handle it, so I needed to take control of whatever was going on, so I literally shouted, to myself, in my mind, for everything to just back off! Just then, Z, called down the stairs and said “sorry mama’ and so I’m like what now? For what? What happened? And she said, word for word “Sorry mama cause I was helping them too.” And that was it.

She never spilled anything, or was saying sorry because she hit her brother or ANYTHING. But I honestly think that as a child her consciousness was also connected to mine and she “heard” what I said. Maybe kids are still connect to their “source” and are wiser than us in these matters.

Either way, from that moment, things have been much more manageable. I’ve learned that I can “connect” but don’t have to be controlled by this change. I’m learning to decipher energies if you may. I’ve learned that when a feeling of dread comes across me, it most likely means my mom is about to call or text. I’ve learned that when my arms feel like hugging myself, K is about to call me or is trying to connect somehow. I’ve also noticed certain sensations in regards to little E.

I’ve also learned that my learning will be never ending. For some reason I have knowledge that I shouldn’t have. And part of that knowledge is that I will be discovering new things everyday. Some on my own and some imparted from others higher consciousnesses. And I’m good with that. I’ve found peace with it. In fact I enjoy it because it gives me an even bigger sense of purpose, just knowing that everyday will quite literally bring something new. All I have to do is take a moment, perhaps close my eyes and focus. And that’s when things start to happen. Like I went for a massage yesterday (because, well it’s been a stressful week lol) and while I’m laying there I had so many revelations about everything from why a certain local company had a specific phone number (which I called to verify after… turns out I was right) to why my biological dad cheated on my mom. Which I didn’t call to verify.  But it’s like that Foo Fighters song, The Sky is a Neighborhood. The sky representing higher consciousness, and if you’re connected into it, like if your part of the neighborhood, you can literally just go around and have conversations with whomever you want. Do you realize all the knowledge that’s available to you in your own head! In your own conscious! Yes I know the song is actually about how so many musicians have died, but you have to think  outside the box…think higher!

I’ve learned that even though I can meet with others higher self, that they might not be aware of, I cannot manipulate them as they still ultimately make their own decisions, although I would never want to. Which brings me back to K.

Originally I didn’t want to share who my “friend” was. Not because I was embarrassed by him. Never. I am proud to say I love K. I would say it in front of anyone and everyone. From my family to his family to a judge. Anyone. But because I didn’t know if he would want to be a part of this story, I initially left him out. And even throughout the week, I would never bring it up with him. HE would always be the one asking me if I sensed him calling (yes) He would ask if I felt him thinking about me (yes). But I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I want to share whats happening with me, yes, but not in a way that makes him think I’m trying to twist his world.

But unfortunately, this is my story. And even as I start to type this, I feel my arms trying to hug me and I feel my chest being squeezed in the way only K holds me, and I know he’s trying to stop me from doing this, because of the, not necessarily pain it will bring him, but confusion it will cause. But I’m learning I still have to separate my thoughts from others and stand for myself.

Because K in his human form is still not sure if he loves me. Or maybe he is, but perhaps he is embarrassed by it. I’m not the kind of girl he ever pictured himself with. I don’t check all his physical boxes. I don’t have a certain look. I don’t live in a certain place. I didn’t grow up in a certain way. So unfortunately… K is still not sure about his feelings for me. He is maybe embarrassed that his ex knows he said he loved me. Possibly because he’d been considering getting back together with her. Things were never really resolved with her when he went to prison, therefore they were never really resolved when he met me. He hasn’t even seen her since they “broke-up” although from what I understand it happened while he was behind bars so that’s not really fair to him or her I guess.  He has no closure.

So maybe he’s not sure he wants to have me by his side. How would that look to all his people. How would that hurt his image. How would our lives fit as one? He can’t see it. He doesn’t know if he even wants to imagine it.

If he needs his time to figure things out, I have to allow him that. And I will. He hasn’t asked for it. But I’ll give him the time. I’ll back way off.

When he decides, it better be noticeable though. Because so far he’s said I love you, we have more than just sex it’s the best sex ever. And I feel his love. So when he decides to be all in, I need him to say it. None of this “you know how I feel” junk.

My soul is my soul. In all my lifetimes, my soul will be the same. And his soul will be the same amazing soul it is.

K will always be my King. So, if he chooses right now that I’m not his Queen. I’m okay with that. Because I have the knowledge that eventually we will be together. Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll have an outer shell aka body he’ll find more desirable, although it might be another million years before we meet again. Ha and maybe we’ll be two damn dung beetles for all we know lol. But I know it will happen. And however disheartening that may be, the fact I might have to wait, I know that he is mine and I am his. So I can wait.

Yeah. A million years. I can wait.

I’ve seen the peace and I have the knowledge, and I know I can wait.

Don’t think it’t pathetic. I wouldn’t mope around longing after him. I will live my best life, knowing that one day we will be together. Would it be better if it were sooner? Of course. But I’ve also learned that we all control our own path in this life. So I will choose happiness. Yes I choose K. But I will choose happiness while I wait for K to also choose me.

Even if I wait a million years.

Or a million lifetimes.


-Lady Gaga/Million Reasons-

Advertisements

We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand

700 followers feel I’m worthy of your time.

100 posts already to my name.

30 years old next week.

2 humans breathed into existence because of me.

1 mind living in turmoil.

Inside this body.

That I call my own, but I don’t feel I own it completely anymore.

Everything I see now, feels familiar. I feel like everything I do now has been done before, yet it is both fresh and new.

I can’t even begin to explain to you what happened to me on Saturday night, but I’m changed.

Even more than last week, I’ve had another experience. One that was enough for me to actually question if I was real, or if my friend was real, or if were all just figments of my imagination. Or worse, someone else’s imagination.

As it stands, he thinks I was RIDICULOUSLY high.

But, since I take edibles, and they are individually portioned, I took the same as normal, maybe even less, since there was a huge almond in this portion and the piece I normally eat is the size of maybe 3 almonds all together… so it was mostly just nut if that makes sense?

Anyways, I wasn’t even that high… on weed at least.

But I wasn’t in my right mind I know that.

I also know I’ll never be in the same state of mind that I was before.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain what happened that night. At least not here on “paper.” This is something that I need a good 3 hours to just talk about so I don’t miss any details. But I’ll attempt.

It started as a major deja vu. Major, MAJOR.

Like you know you get those small moments where you feel you felt you’ve been there before etc? Well it started off like that. Except then it continued. To the point where I was predicting what was going to happen next because it was so familiar. And then the moments stretched into minutes. And the few minutes became over half an hour before I stopped even tracking it.

But then even more than deja vu, it was like all the pieces of my life, up until that point, began to fit together. I saw it in front of me like a wonderful puzzle where every piece was there for a purpose. I began to realize that everything had happened for a reason. For this reason. For this fuckin moment! The world began to spin and swirl all together. All my moments, and moments from my friend’s life, whose energy I’ve been feeling,  all our “pieces” fit together into the most beautiful puzzle.

We created a masterpiece with our lives. Except it wasn’t just moments from this life. It was since the beginning of time. Almost like we’ve lived many lives, and only just now, in that moment did it all make sense (I didn’t even consider reincarnation a possibility until this night) And as the deja vu was happening, time became faster and faster, and everything sped up and swirled,  wrapping up everything from our lives to complete this mosaic.

Then as the swirling stopped and the pieces all came together and it was the world but even more than that it was the universe and the knowledge that came with it was placed in my head, obviously not everything ever known, but I think the ability to reach it.

Then everything began to shrink. More and more. I watched my hands age in front of my face (I got skinnier which was a bonus, but beside the point)

And every memory I’ve ever had began to shrink with it, quicker and quicker, smaller and smaller, yet twirling still. Until I was looking at my hands and at my pinched fingers and it was all but a speck of dust so to speak, and my panic rose because I felt that when the universe, once it was gone, would take me with it. I thought I was going to die this feeling was so intense.

But when even the universe, both so immense, yet smaller than a speck of dust dissipated to nothing, time froze. And my breath with it.

Until I caught my breath and my voice came with it. But at this moment there was nothing. I was in my room. I know this because I just know. But at the time, there was nothing, yet there was everything.

Then my voice, started out ever so slowly, quietly, and unprovoked on its own.

‘This,

is

the

birth

of

love’

No other sound or movement. Just pure energy from within.

And then the words became increasingly faster and then music joined them. And I knew in that moment, we had created the most beautiful love song. I can’t remember all the words I spoke, or even begin to comprehend why I spoke them. All I know is that somehow, I both spoke, and sang and somehow made music with my mouth all at the same time.

And as our song unraveled, it was joined by knowledge.

More knowledge then I’ve ever held. Unwinding from within me. Like everything had been poured into a funnel, swirling to the tip, and now was slowly trickling out the bottom. Fresh and new.

It’s almost like the funnel and the swirling was representative of the end of…something. An era. And now all the pieces of that time had finally come together and now I am starting again.

But what is coming out the other end is terrifying. And amazing.

Then, I felt my friend. His energy. And it consumed me.  More than anything I’ve ever felt. And his “spirit/soul/energy’ talked to me. And we just loved each other. And we talked. Not a word was spoken, but our consciousness were connected. We apologise for the past, and made plans for the future, just everything, but mostly it was love.

His energy took the time to show me things in my life. About how my seizure were a way of our energies trying to connect. How deja vu’s were moments when we were both feeling similar situations emotions at the same time and therefore our souls were close. I felt certain pains in his body but there were in my body,  as the energy coursed through. My right ankle throbbed as well as my hip. My jaw felt as if it was going to explode. I felt a shooting pain in my shoulder among so many others, but then in an instant everything was good. Better than before. Peaceful.

And we just felt it. Well correction. I felt it. I felt his being there. So much. And his thoughts weren’t something I could imagine, well maybe I could, but our energies were arguing about how we could make it work. I could tell my thoughts from his thoughts and I could tell when we were thinking the same thing because my body would tense up.  And in the end we were both like fuck it, we don’t know how it will work, we don’t know how we will ever be together, but I know I love you, and you know you love me and shouldn’t that be it? As long as we love each other.

Right after it happened, or during, or after, I can’t remember, the whole thing is overwhelming,  I called him. I became so panicked that I might be schizophrenic/multiple personality because I felt SO connected to him. To everyone now, in a weird way, but specifically him.

I thought that the world might be a figment of my imagination. I literally thought, because I had thoughts that previously weren’t my own, that maybe I had created other personalities, and now my mind had created him.

I actually asked him if he was real. To which he responded (to slowly for my liking at the time) yes. So then I asked if I was real, thinking maybe I was a figment of HIS imagination. This is how connected I felt. I became paranoid that I has crossed some mental line and that if I was just a “personality” of either his or mine, that I would wake up in a different body.  His or whomever’s brain I truly belonged to. Probably strapped down in some hospital bed.

I actually asked my friend to kill me if I woke up not in my regular me. I thought I was basically talking to myself in another form, and I felt like I was telling “myself” (but my friend) to kill me/us. Because I didn’t think I could handle a life without either him, or my kids, or the reality of being that mentally ill.

You guys this is how real this experience was.

I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2-3 in morning. There was just so much in my mind to go over yeah, but also I felt like there was so much knowledge that kept coming. Or I kept discovering. I learned so much about too much to share right now. Probably too much to share ever.

I think it will be something that I continue to discover as I move on.

Either way, this will be the first post of many, since I couldn’t get it all out now, and I’m sure you all want to know how my friend felt about this once I attempted to poorly explain it to him. Check back to see how that “lovely” conversation went.

*Yes, I made an appointment to see a doctor this Friday, I’m not dumb, contrary to how it seems*


-Queen/Princes Of The Universe-

I Feel Like I’m Out Of My Mind I Feel Like My Life Ain’t Mine/When You’re There Chest To Chest With A Lover

I wonder if crazy people really truly know if/when they are crazy. Now I know “crazy” is a very incorrect term here, but hear me out. I’m not talking about the more… ‘normalized’ mental health issues, that you or your neighbor most likely have suffered from, like depression or something similar. I also know those issues aren’t normal either, trust me, I’ve suffered from depression, I’ve attempted suicide, I know the seriousness of it. But bear with me for argument’s sake.

I’m talking about more severe mental health issues. Like if an individual is a psychopath… are they aware of it? Or if a person is schizophrenic, how bad does the situation have to get before they realize that what’s going on in their own mind is maybe not right for example?

Or because it’s their own mind and their own thoughts, and because humans don’t know any different from what our own thoughts produce, maybe individuals with intense mental health issues never realize that they HAVE an issue that could and perhaps should be helped with either medications or therapy or whatever other means provided to them, because it either has always been, or has become their normal.

Just based on the principle that they are used to how their mind runs/works and it seems fine to them.

I guess the reason I’m asking….

Is because lately as you guys know, I’ve been searching. Really searching. About life. Perhaps the meaning of life. Or not so much the meaning of life, but my purpose and where do I fit into the universe. And during this process, I’ve been having some extreme experiences. Things I can’t even explain. Things that have been disconcerting, and even now have gotten to the point of slightly scary. Experiences that have legitimately been leading me to ask myself if I’m “crazy” or not, which is why I ask if I was out of my mind… would I be aware enough to know it?

Because my most recent experience, that happened this past Saturday night, left me with thoughts and emotions, even memories that weren’t my own, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I was lying in bed high, while talking on the phone with a friend and whiles we were talking I didn’t so much hallucinate him there with me so much as sense him. So I told him I had to go to sleep, like I was done for the night. We hung up the phone and I rolled over to go to sleep but I still “sensed” the friend there. Even though I knew it was just me in the room.

But then the sensation became stronger. And then the feeling of my friends energy kept urging at me. (You guys don’t mock me ok. Like I completely realize how utterly absurd this whole thing is, why do you think I”m wondering if I’m insane!)  The first 2-3 times I felt it urge for me to let it in, or to connect I opened my eyes and the feeling would diminish. But when I closed my eyes and would “listen’ and focus again, the feeling would return each time more intense than the last. Until I thought it through, thinking how bad could whatever this thing be? I’m safe in my room, alone, all this feeling is, is an energy at best, and its here for a reason, so I might as well enjoy it… so I basically in my mind said ok have at ‘er.

That’s when it rushed in. Huge surges of energy and love and joy. My body was vibrating. My thoughts were both my own as well as this energy’s. (Yeah I know, it sounds ridiculous, but wait there’s more). I now had memories that belonged to my friend ( like making love with a gorgeous woman with cat like eyes, or being on stage in front of a crowd of people and feeling the energy course through my/his veins, the list goes on and on). I also felt as if this energy was holding me. Moving my arms and hands. And it used my own hands to caress my face and hold me in my own arms. But at the same time I was hugging my friend and feeling his body. The sheer amount of energy that was passed through my body during that time was unbelievable. I could tell the difference between my thoughts and his thoughts but then there were moments when our thoughts were the same. It was, since there is no other way to describe it, out of this world. Or crazy.

But I remember when the moment was over, I’m not sure how long it lasted since it felt like it could have been anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, as the energy was leaving my body, it left a thought implanted in my mind. All I could think about after was “twin flame.” A phrase I’d never heard of before, but you can imagine I looked it up the next day.

(Here’s one of a few video’s I found, among many articles I read)

So anyways after hardly sleeping for the last few days, not being able to eat much, heck I can’t even bring myself to an orgasm since then, it’s like my body feels like it’s been invaded. And so now here I am, questioning my sanity. Which brings me back to my original question… do ‘crazy’ people know when they’re crazy? Or is the fact that I’m talking about it, reason enough to believe that I’m somewhat still sane?  How will I know if this was an experience that actually happened to me, or one that I imagined? But trust me, I couldn’t make something like this up. Because I’m the least imaginative person I know. I believe in facts and figures, not imagination and fantasy. If you were to enter my mind on a “normal’ day, you would find everything carefully categorized and probably labeled lol.  And so if it’s something that the universe brought to me… was it meant for good or have I been demon possessed or something ridiculous like that? Like you have no idea what crazy thoughts have been going through my mind since Saturday!

Am I crazy? I mean I know I sound it. But am I? Am I truly crazy.


-Logic Ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid/1-800-273-8255-

Because A Thankful Heart Is A Happy Heart I’m Glad For What I Have, That’s An Easy Way To Start

Ah ‘Thanksgiving.’

This year dinner was at my parents house as per usual. My mom invited my sisters and their spouses/kids, plus my aunt who lives in town here with her family. Then my one great-aunt was also invited. Then, because apparently that’s not stressful enough for my mom, she invited a few other people that she knew were newer to town and most likely had nowhere else to go. And last and very least, my Grandpa showed up.

I’m not a fan of dinners with my family in the normal every day, apart from the fact that my mom is an excellent cook, a trait I definitely did not inherit.  But the actual family time? Not my favorite. So imagine the lack of excitement I had leading up to this “event”

My mom and my sister R don’t get along. My Aunt and my Dad don’t like each other, thanks to a previous business venture gone bad . My brother-in-law D can only stand being around my family for max like 4 hours before stressing out because we are a loud rambunctious bunch (can you believe I’m the quiet one outta the bunch? Yeah you probably can). There’s 6 kids between the ages of 4-11 running around. And to top it off, I’m avoiding my Grandpa at all costs. So you can imagine the thoughtfulness that had to go into the seating arrangements lol.

But even more than that, I realized that my family really doesn’t give two shits about being thankful. There was no going around the table saying the things we were thankful for, even after I suggested it. Twice. TWICE.

I feel like I need to remind you guys that the majority of the group that was present are “bible believing Christians” with 2 of them even being Pastors. In fact apart from myself (and my kids), my sister N and her husband D, and my Grandpa (Duh)… the rest of the people at dinner attend church on the regular.  And that in and of itself makes me more confident of the decision I made to stop attending church this past summer.

I’m in no way saying that Christianity and people who claim to be Christians are the same thing. Because they aren’t. The people who attend the church and claim to be Christians are just that. People. They are humans who make LOTS of mistakes. Just like you and me (in the mistake making way, not necessarily the claiming to believe in Jesus same way). But if they really believe what they say they believe, they would be making a continual effort to correct those behaviors as well as being “more like Christ.’

But being Christian isn’t claiming to be perfect. I get that.

But I think sometimes Christians forget that.

Which is part of why I made my decision to stop attending church a couple of months ago. I completely understand that it is not my place to judge, and please know that I’m not placing judgement right now. What I’m making is an observation that I used to make informed decisions for me in my life choices. Previously when I was at any type of church function, whether it was my own church or a different one, I felt the people I met presented an aura of “upityness” if that’s even a word. It’s not. I know that.

But it’s like they always felt like they were better than others. Or they had no issues in their personal life. And for years that has always bothered me. Because I know that that’s not possible. I know that everyone has problems at home or school or work or whatever. I know that marriages go through rocky times. I know that not all of your kids can be straight A students (well they can but it’s not likely), I know that not everyone makes enough money to cover basic bills. Among everything else human have thrown at them in life.

So how is it that nothing was ever wrong for them? Now when I say they seem good all the time, I’m not talking about the ‘joy of the Lord’ or peace or something. I’m saying that there was a fakeness to most individuals I dealt with. I should remind you guys, that I attended church pretty much every Sunday (except while in Kenya, when it was sporatic) of my life, until just this year, and this feeling still stands. This wasn’t a once or twice feeling. This was growing up in it, being immersed in it. Then being able to compare it to the world, and realizing that it’s almost like the Christians I’ve met are always trying to put on airs.

It’s like if their life doesn’t seem perfect, who would believe in, well like I said before, the “joy of the Lord’ or the fruits of the spirit, or even just their God in general?  And if they don’t seem happy enough, then the advice they get from the Pastor or even their other Christian friends while seeking help, is to pray more, or believe harder. So they act like everything is good, so their ‘faith’ seems strong. Seems stressful to me.

On the other hand. to be fair, I have met some Christians who seem very genuine and happy in their religion relationship with God, although few and far between. But to be fair I’ve also met some ‘non-believers’ who are also very genuine and at peace without that same faith.

So there’s that.

But heading back to the start of this VERY off topic rabbit trail, I’d like to tell someone what I’m thankful for, since I haven’t been asked this whole season. I did ask my kids what they were thankful for, but once they were done the doorbell rang, so I didn’t get a chance to say mine. So without further ado,

  • Little E, even with his growing attitude that I’m not sure how to handle, this boy is the smarted, kindest, most handsome little thing I’ve been blessed with. He challenges me with his intellect and we have in-depth conversations that allow me to pass along my knowledge to another human that trusts me completely. This power has caused me to really question what I believe and what do I really know, and what I want other humans to believe. And for that, I can never repay him.
  • Z, oh Z. This bundle of joy is always smiling and dancing and still comes and cuddles me in the morning which I need so much. Most days she’s my only hug and kiss and I’m a very big touchy feely person, so I’m so grateful for her for getting me through this time, and many more to come I’m sure.

You know, I was gonna continue on with the whole friends, job, house thing, but I think I’ll stop there instead.

They are what I’m truly thankful for.


 

-VeggieTales/The Thankfulness Song-

 

 

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavement Even If It Leads Nowhere

So I’m on the plane waiting to take off for home.

I guess from an outsiders point of view, you could say this was a successful trip. Mainly based on the fact that…

I BOUGHT A HOUSE. Well, almost. Let me explain.

So the original property that I loved already had an offer on it, but the real estate agent that’s been helping everyone in the office found a new one that was just put on the market a few days ago, so we went to check it out.

First off, the neighbourhood was great. Way better than the first place I liked. It’s a townhouse (obviously) and when you drive into the complex there’s a park in a great little green area which would be excellent for little E and Z to play at after school while I’m making dinner or on weekends etc. And even while we were checking the place out, there were a few kids playing there, which was nice to see, knowing that there are other kids in the area. Then, the unit I’m purchasing (or attempting to) is located at the far end of the U-shaped complex, which means that the only traffic driving in front of my place would be myself and my would be neighbour, whose house is the very last one in the complex. So that’s always good for peace of mind, knowing if the kids are out riding bikes or playing out front, traffic is next to none. There’s a car port, which for Kelowna is good enough because with the weather you don’t require anything more than that, since you don’t have to worry about tons of snow in the winter, but even that is better than my current situation which is currently just a stall out back. There’s also 4-5 available parking spots right out front for visitors. Not that I have any friends in Kelowna right now that I would be expecting any time soon, but eventually.

The inside of the house didn’t have the wow factor like the original house did, but it has lots of great character like exposed wood beams and new bamboo flooring. I think it was just mainly paint colour and a few light fixtures that were off-putting. But as I started to look around I realized that the layout was pretty good and it has a really decent feel to it.

My boss A, has offered to come out and spend a couple of days painting after I pick out colours as well as update any light fixtures I want just to brighten the place up, before we move in. Other than that I had no issues with the place.

It fit all my requirements, like 3 bedroom/2 bath/various levels/safe area/close to schools and shopping and TONS of storage. Literally, I have no idea what I would even put in all those nooks and crannies lol.

But after the viewing we met up for lunch with everyone from the office and basically my boss and his dad (co-owners) decided they would by it, as the company, since these properties come up few and far between. If this whole Kelowna thing ends up falling through, they are confident they can resell it no problem. But right now, we have put in an offer to the owners and the company is taking care of down payment and basically everything else associated with it for now.

Then once I sell my house, I’ll be able to get my personal financing, and buy it from the company. It also means I’ll have an address to register my kids for school with, once that process starts in February.

Here I thought this trip was going to be a ‘research’ trip. Check out the sights. View the hotspots. Get to know the town etc. And I did. I visited multiple beaches. I went to my first (and second and third) winery and did multiple wine tastings. I had more lattes than I could keep track of, at more little independent coffee shops than I remember. I checked out the YMCA’s and other sports centres, and got pricing for memberships. I got info on the latest and greatest fruit & veggie stands. I saw different schools in various catchments. I learned where the druggies hang at night and where the ‘poor girls who can’t afford many clothes’ chill.

But I honestly didn’t think I’d be flying home with a property waiting for me to come back to.

Kelowna is beautiful. Relaxing and even though it was a stressful jam-packed trip, it was enjoyable. The entire city gave off an easy-going vibe.

But what it didn’t give off though, was a multi-cultural feel.

I saw 1 African American the entire trip. And that gave me pause. Will that cause issues for my kids? Will they be more likely to be targets of bullying because they stand out from others? Is this move going to be detrimental to them because of potential ignorance playing a higher role?

The very last thing that I want is for this move to cause problems for them, because I hadn’t thought that aspect through. On one hand, I feel like my kids will have to learn to love themselves no matter what other think/say, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a different colour skin tone, and so they need to know and truly believe that. But on the other hand, do I want to potentially make that issue a little more difficult than necessary for them to deal with? All because I want a little more relaxed lifestyle?


-Adele/Chasing Pavement-

Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called. A couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

I’ve Got Thick Skin And An Elastic Heart/You Did Not Break Me I’m Still Fighting For Peace

Ok guys. So after spending Monday in a hot mess, and I mean MESS. I was breaking down and crying every time my kids weren’t in the room, and maybe once or twice when they were. I had my epiphany. At least I hope it’s my light bulb moment because if not… well then I’m headed down the wrong path lol.

After what happened with my grandpa, and a few other stressful events that of course just had to happen this weekend involving K, that I’m not ready to get into yet, I just broke on Monday. I was barely functioning, and couldn’t contain my crying, it was bad. But I didn’t realize how bad until my brother-in-law D went to give me a hug goodbye, since they were heading out from my grandpa’s that evening, and after the hug he did that pause where his hand kinda lingered on my back while he said take care or something, I don’t even remember, because everything inside of me was screaming at him to stop touching me.

That’s when I realized how much the night before with my grandpa had affected me. Obviously I had spent the day crying, but I thought maybe I was overly tired and just emotional. But when I literally couldn’t stand the thought of D giving me a hug, I knew I was messed up. Also I did tell N what had happened, just because I wanted to get it off my chest. Now, nothing negative against N, but she kept bringing it up throughout the day again. Here I am trying to get over it and just get back into my regular routine and push it as far from my mind as possible, and every 30 minutes or whatever she’s asking if I’m sure I’ll be OK, or saying just make sure I have my phone close etc. I get that she was trying to ease my worries but to me it was just bringing up the feelings/thoughts/emotions that I had just managed to get out of my head 5 minutes ago.

And it made me understand that N doesn’t get it. She has never been raped. She didn’t understand the fear I was feeling. Or why it came back in huge waves. Or why I haven’t slept since. But I get it. I understand it. I’ve been there.

As I drove home yesterday, I spent the majority of the 11 hour car ride considering why all this shitty stuff keeps going on in my life, and how if possible can I turn it for good. How can I make this work for me? What can I do with this pile of crap I’ve been given to make a positive impact?

So the only idea that came to me, and that is still a huge work in progress, is that I’m going to make my blog more “public” in an effort to help those in my community.

I thought maybe I could use my experiences to help others who have been through similar things. And considering my wide range of  experiences… I might be able to relate to many people. In my mind I see myself relating to many women/teens who are struggling with issues that I have gone through and just want someone to talk to. Like how I just wanted someone to tell and so I told N, but because she’s never been through anything like it, she didn’t know how to handle it.

I know that many people just want to talk. Not so that they can be told what to do, or be judged, or feel like they’re at the shrinks office but just to know that they aren’t alone. And that others have survived issues like them, and that there is nothing wrong with them. That it is do-able, getting through this crazy life. That no matter how ridiculous it seems at the time, you can make it through.

So, I’ve decided to make myself vulnerable by slowly kinda revealing myself in a sense to those around me, so that others can learn, or feel comforted by this.

Over the next little while, I’ll be revisiting my posts to edit and review what I’ve written. Freshen up my posts, add all the details I missed in my haste to just get my story out. But from there I haven’t figured out the details of how this plan will play out… only that I feel right in doing this. But… lol forgive how lame this sounds, but last night I actually had dreams of doing public speaking at high schools and stuff. Like motivational speeches. It was weird and crazy, but here’s a quote my grandma had written…

“After all was said and done, A lot was said and not much done.”

So I figured at this point, I’ve said a lot, I should start doing something.

So if you have any suggestions… lol, let me know.


-Sia/Elastic Heart-

Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yep, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash upfront or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

Give Your All To Me I’ll Give My All To You Your My End And My Beginning Even When I Lose I’m Winning

You know what they say, picture or it didn’t happen 😏.

I meant to post yesterday, but just ended up being so busy with life that, well, here I am.

I did originally by the flowers for myself, as promised but since yesterday was Z’s birthday I decided to gift them to her by the time I got home. She was so excited but not as thrilled as she was when she opened her little kids makeup kit! I let her do her own as well as mine and needless to say we both looked like clowns by the end of it.

But I decided to give her the roses as more of a…lesson? Nah not really a lesson, but I want her to feel like she should have high expectations from people and that she deserves special things especially on days like her birthday.

When I was young I envisioned my husband taking our daughters out on dates while they are young, to teach them what they should expect and show them what it’s like to be treated respectfully by a man. To show them what they deserve, and so they can know what is good vs. crappy date behaviour. Now, since Z’s dad is not around to do that, I still think it’s important for her to know, and also something for little E to learn, how to treat a woman. So I gifted the flowers to her.

I heard a quote a few months back that I’m going to slaughter, but it was roughly like this;

Don’t teach little girls that when a boy teases/bullies her it’s because he likes her, because then she’ll grow to learn that being bullied is the definition of love.

This stood out to me like WOW! It made a lot of sense. Probably to me more than some of you, but it definitely was something I wanted to incorporate into my family. First to teach Z that love is love. Not teasing and bullying and name calling etc, and therefore she should never accept that from any man or woman for that matter. And next to show little E more positive ways to express his emotions when he does start to have feelings for someone.

Anyways, keeping it super short and simple for today. If anyone knows the actual quote I’m trying (and probably failing miserably) to refer to, give me a shout.


-John Legend/All Of Me-