We’re All Kings And Queens With A Throne Of Our Own Hate To Be Here Alone

You guys this just keeps getting better/more insane each day.

So I posted this morning. And at that time, my ‘feelings’ were manageable. But throughout the morning and into the afternoon they increased like crazy. It got to the point that I felt I had some sort of ‘aura’ or light sensation going on with my eyes. I also could barely keep track of anything my boss was talking about at that time, which looking back was major because I was the only other person in the office today and he made the decision to buy a house and was asking my advice…. hopefully I gave him good stuff?

Anyways, it got so bad that I’m pretty sure I only accomplished about 2 hours worth of work all day. Until my boss stepped out for a bite around 2 and I felt I needed to see a Doctor like, now. Right now.

So I did the next best thing. I called our emergency health link number for advice on my symptoms. Something I have NEVER done in my life!

The nurse on the phone was really sweet. She asked me a bunch of questions. Then slowed down and asked me a few more serious questions. Then put me on hold to ‘research a few things’ before finally coming back on the line and recommending I go straight to my nearest Emergency room.

From what she could tell it was something neurological, and sounded like it needed immediate attention. She asked if I knew where the nearest emergency was, and suggested I have someone drive me there. Right now.

I said my thank you’s and hung up. Dreading what I thought I already knew was going to be the answer to this saga.

A brain tumour.

Probably a large fucking inoperable spreading cancerous terminal brain tumour.

So what did I do?Casually finished up the few things I had on my desk. Checked the wait times at the emergency rooms in my city to plan my night, called my mom to see if she could pick up my kids so I could go to the hospital, then waited for A to get back so I could skip out early.

Once I made a lame excuse about Z being sick to A (see, kids ARE useful lol), I headed to the emergency room that was closest to work, but had a longer wait time at around 3 hours. I had reasoned in my head at the time that the facility I chose would be better equipped to handle my obvious need for heavy-duty scans and equipment, unlike the emergency room closer to my house, thats wait was only 1 hour.  While I was driving, my mom called, but I ignored her call (below)

IMG_3493 (Edited)
811=Health link

She then texted, which I didn’t get until I finally parked next to what I thought was the emergency room entrance.  Needless to say getting this text was kinda mind-blowing. Like what are the odds, that my dad and I would both be at the same hospital at the same time? Not many. But wait there’s more!

IMG_3494 (Edited)They literally rolled him in at the exact same time that I was being triaged. I parked in the wrong spot. Found out there were 2 separate emergency rooms in this hospital. Wandered the halls for a good 10 minutes looking for emerg. Checked with information who said my dad had already been pre-admitted to another building so they would be using the other emergency room. And yet when it was finally my turn in a line of maybe 3-4 people, my dad’s gurney rolls in and I see him and we wave and laugh. My dad’s hilarious. We’re both here apparently for “medical emergencies” but we’re both like nah we’re good, you do you and I’m good over here. and the staff was all confused. It was pretty funny. Anyways his paramedic comes over and lets me know they are taking him straight to the cath lab because he needs a procedure done, and they would keep me updated.

So I’m still in the waiting room an hour later (yeah we all know my symptoms aren’t emergency room quality, but I DID throw up while waiting, since nausea is now part of my repertoire… 3 days strong), when the same paramedic taps my shoulder.

C?

Yeah?

Your Dad’s had a heart attack…………………………………….

Is he okay? (some panic because of the ridiculously unnecessarily long pause, gosh some people’s kids)

Yeah, yeah! He’s fine! Do you wanna come see him?

Yeah!

So she leads me over to where my dad’s lying on a gurney near the door, talking the whole time.

Your dad had a heart attack but we did a procedure and cleared a blockage from his heart where we placed a stint in that will have to remain in place for a year.  He’s all drugged up now, and we’re taking him to “another hospital” since there’s no room here, and we need to monitor him for a 3 days.  (yeah for some reason I remember it pretty much word for word).

So I chatted with my dad for a moment, and the first thing he said to me was ‘I guess this is my wake up call’ and then delved into how he was pissed about missing the game tonight. Then the paramedic asked me if I would relay the information onto my mom, and I agreed, and that was that.

I walked back to the waiting room, and as I walked, I realized that as the paramedic had been telling me about my dad, all my intense “symptoms” had dissipated. I’m not saying I don’t feel the energies any more. I’m saying all the things that grew throughout today, like the light aura and the fuzziness in my thinking, gone. I felt like C again. Well C plus this new whatever it is. The point is, I didn’t feel like I needed to be in the emergency room anymore. So I walked out. And every step I took made me feel better. And clearer. And the more I believed that I was there because of a connection with my dad, the better I felt.

Maybe I was sensing my dad’s energy. Maybe everything in the universe, plus my connection urged me to be in that exact spot, in that exact time for my dad today. Because I was the one who called my mom and told her that my dad had had a heart attack. I was the one who knew to start the conversation with dad’s ok, but etc. I was the one who knew not to throw a long pause in there. I was the one who had my mom occupy my kids, so my dad was alone. So that my mom wasn’t there berating him about diet and exercise from the minute it happened.  I was there smile and wave at him in the emergency room. And the more I thought all that was a possibility, the more at peace I felt.

Now the next step, is narrowing down what each “feeling” or “sensation” represents.

It’s a work in progress.


-Matisyahu/One Day-

 

 

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I’ve Stopped Breathing, But Completely Aware ‘Cause You’re Giving Me A Million Reasons

I’m getting used to this change. Whatever happened to me. However you feel fit to describe it. I’m getting used to it. With each day that passes it’s become less overwhelming. I’m also learning and discovering more with every minute.

Like the fact that while yes, the main energy I feel is from my friend, who I’ll just reveal now is K, *I’ll come back to this later in the post* I do feel energy from other people too.

I started to recognize this fact on Monday or Tuesday while I was still so boggled down by all that was consuming my mind from this new change. There was so much energy flowing through me and my body was vibrating and I felt like I couldn’t handle it, so I needed to take control of whatever was going on, so I literally shouted, to myself, in my mind, for everything to just back off! Just then, Z, called down the stairs and said “sorry mama’ and so I’m like what now? For what? What happened? And she said, word for word “Sorry mama cause I was helping them too.” And that was it.

She never spilled anything, or was saying sorry because she hit her brother or ANYTHING. But I honestly think that as a child her consciousness was also connected to mine and she “heard” what I said. Maybe kids are still connect to their “source” and are wiser than us in these matters.

Either way, from that moment, things have been much more manageable. I’ve learned that I can “connect” but don’t have to be controlled by this change. I’m learning to decipher energies if you may. I’ve learned that when a feeling of dread comes across me, it most likely means my mom is about to call or text. I’ve learned that when my arms feel like hugging myself, K is about to call me or is trying to connect somehow. I’ve also noticed certain sensations in regards to little E.

I’ve also learned that my learning will be never ending. For some reason I have knowledge that I shouldn’t have. And part of that knowledge is that I will be discovering new things everyday. Some on my own and some imparted from others higher consciousnesses. And I’m good with that. I’ve found peace with it. In fact I enjoy it because it gives me an even bigger sense of purpose, just knowing that everyday will quite literally bring something new. All I have to do is take a moment, perhaps close my eyes and focus. And that’s when things start to happen. Like I went for a massage yesterday (because, well it’s been a stressful week lol) and while I’m laying there I had so many revelations about everything from why a certain local company had a specific phone number (which I called to verify after… turns out I was right) to why my biological dad cheated on my mom. Which I didn’t call to verify.  But it’s like that Foo Fighters song, The Sky is a Neighborhood. The sky representing higher consciousness, and if you’re connected into it, like if your part of the neighborhood, you can literally just go around and have conversations with whomever you want. Do you realize all the knowledge that’s available to you in your own head! In your own conscious! Yes I know the song is actually about how so many musicians have died, but you have to think  outside the box…think higher!

I’ve learned that even though I can meet with others higher self, that they might not be aware of, I cannot manipulate them as they still ultimately make their own decisions, although I would never want to. Which brings me back to K.

Originally I didn’t want to share who my “friend” was. Not because I was embarrassed by him. Never. I am proud to say I love K. I would say it in front of anyone and everyone. From my family to his family to a judge. Anyone. But because I didn’t know if he would want to be a part of this story, I initially left him out. And even throughout the week, I would never bring it up with him. HE would always be the one asking me if I sensed him calling (yes) He would ask if I felt him thinking about me (yes). But I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I want to share whats happening with me, yes, but not in a way that makes him think I’m trying to twist his world.

But unfortunately, this is my story. And even as I start to type this, I feel my arms trying to hug me and I feel my chest being squeezed in the way only K holds me, and I know he’s trying to stop me from doing this, because of the, not necessarily pain it will bring him, but confusion it will cause. But I’m learning I still have to separate my thoughts from others and stand for myself.

Because K in his human form is still not sure if he loves me. Or maybe he is, but perhaps he is embarrassed by it. I’m not the kind of girl he ever pictured himself with. I don’t check all his physical boxes. I don’t have a certain look. I don’t live in a certain place. I didn’t grow up in a certain way. So unfortunately… K is still not sure about his feelings for me. He is maybe embarrassed that his ex knows he said he loved me. Possibly because he’d been considering getting back together with her. Things were never really resolved with her when he went to prison, therefore they were never really resolved when he met me. He hasn’t even seen her since they “broke-up” although from what I understand it happened while he was behind bars so that’s not really fair to him or her I guess.  He has no closure.

So maybe he’s not sure he wants to have me by his side. How would that look to all his people. How would that hurt his image. How would our lives fit as one? He can’t see it. He doesn’t know if he even wants to imagine it.

If he needs his time to figure things out, I have to allow him that. And I will. He hasn’t asked for it. But I’ll give him the time. I’ll back way off.

When he decides, it better be noticeable though. Because so far he’s said I love you, we have more than just sex it’s the best sex ever. And I feel his love. So when he decides to be all in, I need him to say it. None of this “you know how I feel” junk.

My soul is my soul. In all my lifetimes, my soul will be the same. And his soul will be the same amazing soul it is.

K will always be my King. So, if he chooses right now that I’m not his Queen. I’m okay with that. Because I have the knowledge that eventually we will be together. Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll have an outer shell aka body he’ll find more desirable, although it might be another million years before we meet again. Ha and maybe we’ll be two damn dung beetles for all we know lol. But I know it will happen. And however disheartening that may be, the fact I might have to wait, I know that he is mine and I am his. So I can wait.

Yeah. A million years. I can wait.

I’ve seen the peace and I have the knowledge, and I know I can wait.

Don’t think it’t pathetic. I wouldn’t mope around longing after him. I will live my best life, knowing that one day we will be together. Would it be better if it were sooner? Of course. But I’ve also learned that we all control our own path in this life. So I will choose happiness. Yes I choose K. But I will choose happiness while I wait for K to also choose me.

Even if I wait a million years.

Or a million lifetimes.


-Lady Gaga/Million Reasons-

We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand

700 followers feel I’m worthy of your time.

100 posts already to my name.

30 years old next week.

2 humans breathed into existence because of me.

1 mind living in turmoil.

Inside this body.

That I call my own, but I don’t feel I own it completely anymore.

Everything I see now, feels familiar. I feel like everything I do now has been done before, yet it is both fresh and new.

I can’t even begin to explain to you what happened to me on Saturday night, but I’m changed.

Even more than last week, I’ve had another experience. One that was enough for me to actually question if I was real, or if my friend was real, or if were all just figments of my imagination. Or worse, someone else’s imagination.

As it stands, he thinks I was RIDICULOUSLY high.

But, since I take edibles, and they are individually portioned, I took the same as normal, maybe even less, since there was a huge almond in this portion and the piece I normally eat is the size of maybe 3 almonds all together… so it was mostly just nut if that makes sense?

Anyways, I wasn’t even that high… on weed at least.

But I wasn’t in my right mind I know that.

I also know I’ll never be in the same state of mind that I was before.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain what happened that night. At least not here on “paper.” This is something that I need a good 3 hours to just talk about so I don’t miss any details. But I’ll attempt.

It started as a major deja vu. Major, MAJOR.

Like you know you get those small moments where you feel you felt you’ve been there before etc? Well it started off like that. Except then it continued. To the point where I was predicting what was going to happen next because it was so familiar. And then the moments stretched into minutes. And the few minutes became over half an hour before I stopped even tracking it.

But then even more than deja vu, it was like all the pieces of my life, up until that point, began to fit together. I saw it in front of me like a wonderful puzzle where every piece was there for a purpose. I began to realize that everything had happened for a reason. For this reason. For this fuckin moment! The world began to spin and swirl all together. All my moments, and moments from my friend’s life, whose energy I’ve been feeling,  all our “pieces” fit together into the most beautiful puzzle.

We created a masterpiece with our lives. Except it wasn’t just moments from this life. It was since the beginning of time. Almost like we’ve lived many lives, and only just now, in that moment did it all make sense (I didn’t even consider reincarnation a possibility until this night) And as the deja vu was happening, time became faster and faster, and everything sped up and swirled,  wrapping up everything from our lives to complete this mosaic.

Then as the swirling stopped and the pieces all came together and it was the world but even more than that it was the universe and the knowledge that came with it was placed in my head, obviously not everything ever known, but I think the ability to reach it.

Then everything began to shrink. More and more. I watched my hands age in front of my face (I got skinnier which was a bonus, but beside the point)

And every memory I’ve ever had began to shrink with it, quicker and quicker, smaller and smaller, yet twirling still. Until I was looking at my hands and at my pinched fingers and it was all but a speck of dust so to speak, and my panic rose because I felt that when the universe, once it was gone, would take me with it. I thought I was going to die this feeling was so intense.

But when even the universe, both so immense, yet smaller than a speck of dust dissipated to nothing, time froze. And my breath with it.

Until I caught my breath and my voice came with it. But at this moment there was nothing. I was in my room. I know this because I just know. But at the time, there was nothing, yet there was everything.

Then my voice, started out ever so slowly, quietly, and unprovoked on its own.

‘This,

is

the

birth

of

love’

No other sound or movement. Just pure energy from within.

And then the words became increasingly faster and then music joined them. And I knew in that moment, we had created the most beautiful love song. I can’t remember all the words I spoke, or even begin to comprehend why I spoke them. All I know is that somehow, I both spoke, and sang and somehow made music with my mouth all at the same time.

And as our song unraveled, it was joined by knowledge.

More knowledge then I’ve ever held. Unwinding from within me. Like everything had been poured into a funnel, swirling to the tip, and now was slowly trickling out the bottom. Fresh and new.

It’s almost like the funnel and the swirling was representative of the end of…something. An era. And now all the pieces of that time had finally come together and now I am starting again.

But what is coming out the other end is terrifying. And amazing.

Then, I felt my friend. His energy. And it consumed me.  More than anything I’ve ever felt. And his “spirit/soul/energy’ talked to me. And we just loved each other. And we talked. Not a word was spoken, but our consciousness were connected. We apologise for the past, and made plans for the future, just everything, but mostly it was love.

His energy took the time to show me things in my life. About how my seizure were a way of our energies trying to connect. How deja vu’s were moments when we were both feeling similar situations emotions at the same time and therefore our souls were close. I felt certain pains in his body but there were in my body,  as the energy coursed through. My right ankle throbbed as well as my hip. My jaw felt as if it was going to explode. I felt a shooting pain in my shoulder among so many others, but then in an instant everything was good. Better than before. Peaceful.

And we just felt it. Well correction. I felt it. I felt his being there. So much. And his thoughts weren’t something I could imagine, well maybe I could, but our energies were arguing about how we could make it work. I could tell my thoughts from his thoughts and I could tell when we were thinking the same thing because my body would tense up.  And in the end we were both like fuck it, we don’t know how it will work, we don’t know how we will ever be together, but I know I love you, and you know you love me and shouldn’t that be it? As long as we love each other.

Right after it happened, or during, or after, I can’t remember, the whole thing is overwhelming,  I called him. I became so panicked that I might be schizophrenic/multiple personality because I felt SO connected to him. To everyone now, in a weird way, but specifically him.

I thought that the world might be a figment of my imagination. I literally thought, because I had thoughts that previously weren’t my own, that maybe I had created other personalities, and now my mind had created him.

I actually asked him if he was real. To which he responded (to slowly for my liking at the time) yes. So then I asked if I was real, thinking maybe I was a figment of HIS imagination. This is how connected I felt. I became paranoid that I has crossed some mental line and that if I was just a “personality” of either his or mine, that I would wake up in a different body.  His or whomever’s brain I truly belonged to. Probably strapped down in some hospital bed.

I actually asked my friend to kill me if I woke up not in my regular me. I thought I was basically talking to myself in another form, and I felt like I was telling “myself” (but my friend) to kill me/us. Because I didn’t think I could handle a life without either him, or my kids, or the reality of being that mentally ill.

You guys this is how real this experience was.

I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2-3 in morning. There was just so much in my mind to go over yeah, but also I felt like there was so much knowledge that kept coming. Or I kept discovering. I learned so much about too much to share right now. Probably too much to share ever.

I think it will be something that I continue to discover as I move on.

Either way, this will be the first post of many, since I couldn’t get it all out now, and I’m sure you all want to know how my friend felt about this once I attempted to poorly explain it to him. Check back to see how that “lovely” conversation went.

*Yes, I made an appointment to see a doctor this Friday, I’m not dumb, contrary to how it seems*


-Queen/Princes Of The Universe-

Done From The Truth I’ll Never Run Be It The Light Or The Shadow I Walk In Hand With All

Energy.

Flow.

Feeling.

Connection.

Emotion.

There’s no denying it now.

There’s no going back from this knowledge.

Once you obtain this level of consciousness, you can’t pretend like it doesn’t exist.

Even worse, you see the falseness of those who pretend like they’ve reached it.

The connection to the universe, but even more, the connection to yourself. Because you are the universe. You have created it. For yourself. Within yourself.

You are living within it with other versions of yourself. Yes everyone in the world is a form of themselves, yet each in its own way is a version of us. Of me. Of you. Of we.

We are the universe. In its infinity. What we have created only we can take away.

Yes it is us, but it is me. Each and every individual here is here because I have chosen it. Because I allow it. Because I need it? Because I am it.

I am it.

I am the universe. I am the God.

No-one god over me but me baby.

Remember that.

Remember your soul, my soul, calling out to me from the start.

As one, yet as none.

We are our own individual being, yet we are one. You, me, we, us. All.

But none.

Everything just is. And in just being, it is nothing. Unless we choose to create… something.

We don’t know how, but we acknowledge the knowledge.

And so the story of greatness begins.

-Periphery/The Walk-

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

FullSizeRender

But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

What A Revelation It Was To Her, When She Realized That She Didn’t Need To Settle

So this Kelowna thing.

It’s affecting me deeper than I expected. My boss is trying so hard to find a way to make it work for everyone, but right now, the focus is on myself, mainly because of the financial aspect. Sure soon I’ll have to deal with the whole E/visitation part but that’s an entirely different ball game.

As it is right now, I am the sole owner of my house. No co-signer. No renting. I own it. Which on its own is something to be proud of considering a few years ago I was flying back from Kenya with a negative bank balance and embarking on a journey to becoming a single parent. So looking at it in that light, I’ve come a long way.

Just apparently not far enough.

I love my house, and I’m proud of it. It suits my family’s needs perfectly and I couldn’t have found something better if I had looked for years! One of the best aspects of my place? Is the fact that it’s not a mobile home.

I realize that I’ll probably sound arrogant and uppity during this post, but why should this post differ from any other in me just saying what I’m thinking?

I’ve worked HARD to get myself and my kids to where we are now, and although we don’t live in a million dollar house, we don’t live in a trailer park, and never have. Which is something I can say that, yes, I am proud of when I truly think of it. Which is why this Kelowna thing is messing with me.

It is DAMN expensive there. At least comparatively to where I am now. To purchase accommodations similar to what I have now, would run me $400,000-$475,000 deep. And let’s be honest, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around. The money I do have? Enough for a mobile home in that area.

My boss is trying to make this move feasible for all of us in the office like I said. So he’s throwing out options like helping with the down payment or the company buying the place I choose, and then us arranging a lease to own type thing. But even with those options, there is a price cap, which would only put me in the “upper end” mobile homes (if that’s even a thing), or a really crappy/shady neighbourhood.

K, I totally appreciate the offer. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything. But this has gotten me so emotional.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get my family and myself where we are, that to me, moving until a mobile home would be a step back. I completely understand it’s probably because of the whole stigma with a trailer park etc, but why should I accept anything but the best for us? I’m not being forced into this move. I shouldn’t have to go unless I feel anything less than 100% about it right?

Sure. Except, my boss has made it clear that if I don’t go, the company doesn’t relocate.He doesn’t want to mess up the operations of the company and how smoothly it’s running now. So, no me? No move.  Which means that the house my boss and his wife have already contacted a Real Estate agent about? And are ready to put in an offer for? Gone. And I mean he is ready! I’ve been hearing him on the phone with his bank talking mortgages and down payments etc. It also means all the research my co-workers been doing on which new schools are best, day care costs, getting her husband on board even though HE doesn’t have a guaranteed job there once they move, will be for nothing.

All because I don’t want to live in a trailer park.

It’s not just the whole stigma of a trailer park though. It’s the whole mobile home. I like having an entirely empty floor between myself and the kids sometimes while they play in the basement and I’m ALL THE WAY upstairs in my room, as opposed to LITERALLY 2 feet away. I like that thick sound proof walls I have, and the nicely insulated walls, for both summer and winter. I like the full-sized hallways and space just for the sake of space. I like my foundation.

I also like the fact that I paid for it on my own. It’s been embarrassing at work to be the only person in this situation. Discussing finances with your boss is not the most comfortable thing. And it feels SUPER uncomfortable to just be expected to accept an offer for a house upgrade basically? It’s just yet another situation there’s no manual or How To book for. How many people, if asked the question has your company ever offered to buy you a house? Could genuinely say yes?

So maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted. Maybe this is way to good to be true. Maybe beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe Kharma does exist.


-Amy Rubin-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that's being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn't blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen but it was fun. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row ( the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn't want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here's an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

-Tobymac/Gone-