I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me

What the fuck. My Grandpa just made a pass at me. What the fuck. What the fuck.

I’m living the fucken twilight zone you guys.

Earlier today he asked me if I was still taking my ‘medication’ and I remembered that my mom had told both him and my aunt how I indulge in weed and it helps with my seizure related headaches. So I told him that normally I ‘take’ it every night but I didn’t bring anything on this trip because… well awkward (ha little did I know how awkward/awful it was going to get). So he started talking about how he had a few joints around and how he hadn’t smoked since before my grandma (HIS WIFE) died in June. (Quick reminder, I’m in town for her memorial, which happened yesterday) So he suggested we smoke a joint together later at night. I was honestly just thrilled because I’ve had the worst sleeps the last two nights and I just wanted to have like a solid 6 hours of sleep and I would be ecstatic.

So everyone else finally went to bed today and we sat in the carport/garage and had a few drags each, finishing about half the joint. Meanwhile he’s talking all this stuff about how he’s got these friends who grow it here and he can get it for me no problem. And then after a couple puffs he says OK that’s enough especially if you don’t smoke. (I had explained how edibles are my go to). I’m feeling nothing at this point but I’m not gonna push it, so we say our goodnights and I figured that was that.

I get into bed and put in my earplugs a cousin gave me yesterday in an attempt to sleep better, and start to browse instagram a bit, even considered starting a post but figured I would wait until I get home because I have SO much to say, when I felt a hand on my ankle.

These earplugs are amazing, It’s my grandpa asking if I wanna go finish the doobie as he so often calls it, and I didn’t hear him walk in at all. I’m totally up for it because at this point I feel nothing yet, so we step right out my door into the garage (I’m sleeping in a room that’s not an actual room but a link between his room and a carport type thing… in a trailer park… it’s hard to explain.) Anyways we go outside and finish off the first one and he asks me to grab his stash from inside and we light up another one.

Now I finally have a light buzz, but he’s gone, like way far gone. I asked him how he was. Just a simple question, ‘how are you’ and he gets all existential on me.

How are any of us? I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. And here I am thinking he’s thinking about my recently deceased grandmother. And so I’m trying to just make him feel better, saying things like we can’t always plan out everything in life. We don’t know what to expect but we make it work.

And I don’t even remember his exact words because I’m still so shocked it happened, but he went with what I said, and rolled it into how we don’t know what to expect and we have to make the best of it…. and we should make the best of this moment him and I.

What the fuck? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Maybe this BC weed is messing with my head differently. So I just kinda let it slide. Thinking I totally misread the situation, or at the very least misheard.

But then he legitimately said here I am making a pass at my own grandchild. And he keeps trying to put his hand on my knee or leg and I’m like grandpa stop. No thanks. And so he stands up while I’m still sitting on my chair and tried to give me a hug and I had to push him back with both hands on his chest while he tried to kiss the top of my head. And then he finally walked away.

And my head is just messed up. Not like in a confused way like oh maybe I should’ve… No definitely not. But in a what the fuck just happened to me way.

When he walked back into the house he left the door ajar and I’m slightly shocked/confused/scared/worried. So I followed, but not too close that he thinks I’m following to join him, but to make sure the horny bastard doesn’t do anything to Z or even little E.

He passed both of them sleeping on the floor in my ‘room’, and I closed the door connecting our rooms and then went back outside to just… wrap my head around “this”, whatever this is.

Ok, I get that he’s lonely, his wife just died. And maybe weed makes some people horny, and obviously we don’t think 100% how we normally would while we’re high, but come the fuck on. My Grandfather. My flesh and blood grandpa. Who’s turning 82 tomorrow. Just hit on me.

And if you can’t keep it together enough to realize that? Than you shouldn’t be smoking for starters is really all I can think of to say right now. Other than that I’m speechless. So I’m heading to bed. And I’ve decided to sleep WITHOUT the earplugs tonight for those if you wondering.


-Ozzy Ozbourne/Crazy Train-

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Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yep, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash upfront or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

I Just Started To See The Light Of Day, I Just Started Hating Some People Today

I met my “Dad” again at around 15 years old.  It had been like 10 years since he gave up his visitation rights to R and I, and stopped showing up every so often to drive us down to his house in the next city for the weekend. He also stopped paying child support for the two of us after my mom got remarried. Apparently him also getting remarried and having two other kids meant for some reason he didn’t have to pay any more. Lame, I know. But in any case, after reconnecting with my sister K, my fathers side of the family also reached out and wanted to build a relationship with R and I. I didn’t have strong feelings either way, and I was willing to give them a chance. My Aunt (my Dad’s sister) was the first to reach out. First by adding me on Facebook, and then emails every once in a while, until finally we started chatting (very rarely) on the phone. As the relationship grew (ever so slightly), and I got to know more about a family I knew existed, but didn’t know anything about. I began to feel more comfortable with the idea of spending more time with them, so my mom and I made a trip out to BC (again, while I’m stuck living in crappy Alberta) to meet more of my long-lost family.

When I initially saw my Aunty A, I’ll be real for the first time, I honestly felt like I belonged in a family. Both R and N are much shorter and smaller in general than myself. At 5’9, I’m also at least a solid 2-3 inches taller than my mom/sisters and I’m the only one in my family with curly hair. I mean not just a little wave if I don’t straighten it in the morning, I mean full-out curl, while everyone else, yep you guessed it, straight. Well maybe a slight wave. But also personality wise, my family is way out there, and while I’m not necessarily a stick in the mud, I do think everything through and weigh all my options instead of running around like a bull in a china shop like they tend to do. I’d rather make the calculated decision instead of fly by the seat of my pants… but that’s just me. When I saw my Aunty A at the airport in Victoria, it was like a lightbulb went off. I felt like this is where I came from. This is where my roots belonged. I felt like I was no longer a misfit, but I had connections and to be honest, I felt for the first time like I was the right “fit” for the family. I was no longer the black sheep as far as looks go. It was like hugging myself in a mirror. Sitting with them in their living room was so peaceful, compared to my home growing up where life was so chaotic, with constant yelling and arguments. Yeah the decor was outdated but the pace of life was just so me. I felt like I had missed out on a huge opportunity in life. Growing up how I did, was stressful but, sitting in my newly discovered grandparents house with my new Aunt, I felt calm, and like I belonged.

My mom and I spent a few days in Victoria touring around and enjoying the sights. My Grandparents house literally shared a backyard fence with the Craigdarroch Castle, which we of course toured, but I also had the amazing view of it every night before bed. Once we had done all the touristy things, like visit the harbour and take horse-drawn carriage rides through the parks, we finished up our visit with grand promises to keep in touch.

Which we did, some what (again, this is not my strong point at all). I went back one summer for a week alone and my Aunt arranged a few day camp type things to keep me busy. Kayaking in the bay (SO MUCH FUN!) and rock climbing (eh) among other things. The trip was a success, and I had a chance to learn a lot more about my heritage and how that side of my family also thinks my biological dad is a douche, so that was a bonding moment lol. But the moment when I actually got to meet him, came soon after, when my Grandpa passed away and I made the conscious decision to go to his funeral, knowing my ‘Dad” would be there.

My Grandpa and I shared a special bond and even though I had really just been getting to know him, we had instantly connected. He was a very kind, thoughtful smart man. When you looked at him you could see wisdom in his eyes. He had been through so much in his life, but had not let it get him down. He is 100% Japanese, making me 1/4, and his calm demeanour is something I aspire to. Nothing rattled him, and that’s how I try to live.

Anyways, when he passed, I wanted to be there for the funeral, so my parents agreed to send me to Victoria on my own (R wasn’t interested in getting involved, and my mom didn’t want to “intrude” on this family gathering). It was a little overwhelming at first, meeting a bunch of Great Aunt’s and Uncle’s for the first time…No cousins though… since my dads kids didn’t feel the need to attend the funeral of the granddad they’d known their whole life. Whatever. But I went, and I’m glad I did because I met my Great Aunt Yayeko whom I was named after (middle name) and everyone got to see me after so many years.

But when it finally came down to “meeting” my dad… that was so pathetic. He avoided me the whole afternoon, until the memorial was winding down and I knew my time was running out so I made an effort to go and talk to him.

Our entire conversation lasted less than 20 minutes and was pretty boring. He spent most of the time talking about his other wife and two kids. Turns out I have ANOTHER younger sister and a brother. And the worst part? My sisters name is sooooo damn close to mine it’s like common. All the names in the world and you had to name her something that the substitute teacher would call me because it’s so similar? Annoying. But the worst part… at the end of our “bonding” he suggested that we stay in touch. Sure I thought at first, that would be nice. Until he pulled out his business card and handed it to me and said “My numbers on here”… Umm pardon me? You’re a grown man, and you can’t even be bothered to ask me for my info? You don’t care enough to want to know how to get in touch with your daughter? Your going to leave the future of our relationship in my teenage hands? Fine. Do that. But I’m gonna throw it in the trash, because apparently that’s how much you value it.
Needless to say, I was so pissed off. And that business card is in some garbage can where it belongs. Along with all my feelings for my sperm donor.


-Beck/I Just Started Hating Some People Today-