I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

FullSizeRender

But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing¬† something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

Advertisements

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog ūüėé.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I'm literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can't pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I've heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I'm feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I've been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could've called he would've and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I'm very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… 'no strings attached' and how he said he wasn't going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn't called anyone! I'm actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don't give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he's ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn't give out that information.

So I'm literally no better than I was before.

I spent an entire two days trying to 'move on' even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM's me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn't promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you're potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he'd 'behave' of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don't mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would've been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn't MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It's definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights already?
Why can't I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there's J who I haven't even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I've made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I've got going on.

-Usher/Yeah-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Love in a Thousand Different Flavours I Wish That I Could Taste Them all Tonight No, I Ain’t Got No Dinner Plans

After W was killed, months had passed since the funeral and I had had multiple conversations with myself about “moving on”. One week I particular I found my thoughts constantly dwelling on things like ‘was I ready’, and if I was how would I even meet someone new?!? I no longer went to the club/pub/bars, and my circle of friends had been drastically reduced since the previous summer when I was raped by M and quit the job where we had both worked, and a lot of my friends worked as well. I kinda cut them all out of my life and wanted a hundred percent fresh start, without anything to remind me of M, and that basically left me with W only, until he died and I was left with no one. So I had a new apartment downtown (I had obviously moved out of the apartment M&A and I were going to share) I literally had like zero friends, all of my own doing, and a recently deceased boyfriend, and I was 20 years old and had to start fresh. 

I had no clue about how I was going to do it. And one week it was really on my mind a lot. So I had decided I was going to make a move and go out that Friday night, on my own, dancing. So it was maybe Wednesday or Thursday and I went to the mall on my day off after work to find something new to wear for the club. I was there for maybe an hour or so and honestly wasn’t feeling it and decided to head home thinking I could always try again next week, considering it’s not like I would let anyone down by not going, I had only made plans with myself anyways. 

So I was walking out to my car in the mall parking lot when a man came up to me. And I’ll be real, I don’t really remember how the conversation went but the just of it was he worked out of town, as a lot of people do in our city, and just needed a place to chill for a few days, so could he stay with me. 

Now any ‘normal person would scream hell no and beeline for safety, but nope, not me. I thoughtfully considered this very attractive man before me and instead of just straight out saying no I made some lame excuses about living in a bachelor suite and only having one bed. I thought maybe this was the universes way of helping me get over W, since I’d been thinking about it for a while now. And that’s when his pickup game became even stronger cause he pulled out something like ‘oh we’ll just have to share a bed then’ and somehow within about 1-2 minutes of literally seeing him for the first time, I agreed to let him stay a couple days with me knowing full well I would sleep with him once he got to my place. I honestly took it as a sign. I wanted to make a move to get out and meet new guys and here was one right in front of me… sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

I for real can’t even remember his name, so we’ll just call home John Doe or JD. But JD was the second guy I ever slept with. And yes he was 100% a rebound or recover or whatever you want to call him, but he helped me get over the loss of W… maybe. Probably not. I still think what if W was still around so maybe I’m not completely over him, but are we ever? 

Anyways, I gave JD my address and we met later at my apartment. We hung out almost every spare moment over the next probably 4-5 days. He took me to the hottest Jamaican restaurants in town and then every night we hit up a different dance hall/party that was going on in and around the city. JD seemed to have the know with everything. He had all the hookups and best connections, he also seemed to have the money for everything. Made me wonder why he didn’t want to stay at a hotel, but hey, I didn’t ask those kind of questions, I had my own reasons for chilling with him. 

Anyways by the time the weekend neared the end, JD had to head back to work and I was ready to ‘get back out there’ again. JD was a fun time, a very much needed escape, and boy had he taught me a thing or two in bed! I guess having sex with someone over double your age and a heck of a lot of experience will do that! But he made me realize that there are so many experiences out there waiting for me. And also that it’s totally possible for a man to treat you with kindness and respect for a few days, even knowing he won’t benefit in the long term from it. But just because your a woman and he’s a man. 

We both entered into that weekend knowing it would only be a few days, yet he treated me like a queen. He didn’t try to hide me from anyone or anything. We went to house parties and he would introduce me around and gladly make sure I was comfortable with a drink and that I wasn’t creeped on all night. He bought groceries for my place, and would make the bed every morning. I’m just saying, he could’ve been a complete dick, but instead acted like a gentleman and gave me hope about getting back out there. He made me believe that, yep, it would be worth it one day. 
So JD, even though you were 46 years old and picking up chicks in the mall parking lot, your lucky your SOO fine or else I would’ve left you there, but also thanks for making my first experience into the fwb world decent. 

Or maybe no thanks to you? Maybe if you had been awful I would’ve gave up more easily and wouldn’t have messed around with so many men after you in search of “Mr. Right” 

Either way, JD, your bold parking lot antics paved the way for many more men over the next decade to come. 

May they forever be in debt to you. 
-Jason Derulo/Swalla-

Mama She Has Taught Me Well Told Me When I Was Young Son Your Life’s An Open Book Don’t Close It ‘Fore It’s Done

So I took the kids to the park yesterday and as Z went off on the slide, little E and I had our “conversation”

The whole “Why doesn’t Dad live with us?” question that he had asked me earlier in the day… I thought I had mentally prepped my answer, thought it through, and I thought I was ready to handle it in a way a 6-year-old would understand, without many follow-up questions.

I thought wrong.

We sat on a park bench and I told him that dad used to live with us and asked him if he remembers living in Kenya with him. He said oh yeah. I went on explaining that something happened between mom and dad, where dads imagination/brain made him think he was in danger a lot and at that time, his mind told him that mom was a bad person, so he hurt mom. So I made the choice that even though at the time I loved dad, I had to make sure you little E and Z, plus myself, were going to be ok. Because I didn’t know if dads mind was going to think up any other silly things that might hurt anyone else. So I took you, little E and Z and we moved out of the house where dad was, and back to Canada to live with Nanna and Nonno.

I wanted to make sure everyone was safe. And now, like I’ve told you before, dad takes medicine to help his voices go away, so he’s not scared anymore. But the medicine also makes him very tired. Which is why when he visits you and Z, he just likes to sit there and doesn’t talk much or have the energy to play with you.

This whole time little E was taking it all in and asking a few questions here and there, but then he asked this ‘how did you disobey?’

It occurred to me that little E STILL remembers what happened to me (he was unfortunately in the room) and also still views it as a spanking. I do spank my kids, but I don’t beat them like E did me. I think because I closely monitor what my kids watch on TV or see online etc, this was the only ‘violence’ he’d really known. So the only word he had to describe one person hitting another in any fashion, was spanking. And therefore, since I obviously don’t spank my kids for fun, he associated it with the fact that I must’ve been being disciplined for something I’d done wrong in the eyes of E. Totally reasonable though process for a 6 year old.

So I explained that (please bear with my very basic explanation, he’s 6 not 16, I had to make sure I was on his level) husbands and wives don’t have to obey each other like kids should obey their parents. Parents have to teach kids because you’re still learning and we are there to guide you. But moms and dads should be a team. Not one the boss of the other. I’m still on your team little E, but I’m coach. There’s a difference. Ok? He kinda nodded but I think he still wanted to know what I did wrong to warrant such a ‘spanking’. Probably so he could avoid that behaviour in the future and not get in such “trouble” himself.

But I reassured him that dads meds made sure that when he’s with little E and Z, he’s ok. Meanwhile my mind is screaming out a million ‘what if’s’ ¬†And reminded him that we’re doing great and having fun living in our house with just the 3 of us.

That’s when he pulled out “Maybe I’ll have another dad one day, that would live with us!” And I said yep. (and then of course the tears welled up, seriously what is wrong with me these days) One day mommy will maybe start dating a man and then get married and you and him can talk about him being your dad. Because little E, E will always be your dad, but… and then he interrupted and said ‘but then I could have two dads!’ With a big smile on his face. I said ‘one day, maybe.’

And in my head simply thought how much I wanted that for him as he joined his sister in the park.


-Metallica/Mama Said-

If Your Not the One for Me Why do I Hate the Idea of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through 

Making the best choice for yourself in life is shitty sometimes. Whether it’s as simple as eating healthy food vs. a cheeseburger or cutting out people who you feel aren’t the best for you in order to make room for someone who will help you grow better. Both aren’t fun, but the “friend” option is more painful for much longer.

Which is why I’m hoping with everything in me that it will lead to more growth in the end.

I know most of you are thinking that after the whole body image (more about it here… Flaws On the Table, I Don‚Äôt Feel Insecure ) thing I probably drew a hard line with K and that was that. Oh sure I did. In the fucking sand. And then the waves that were my feelings for him came and washed what little resolve I had out the window and I was back where I started. Or worse, I don’t even know. What I do know, is that K took full advantage of my feelings and we continued to fuck, and then some. It’s just that he knows what to say to pull at my heart-strings and get what he wants. Which is basically sex without putting in the work of a relationship.

And I’m so broken and embarrassed by that. Because he’s manipulated me so well, and I hate myself for falling soooo far for him. For a man who was very careful to never say I love you to me, but would hold me in his arms and make me feel like my heart was safe. Yet when I was vulnerable, take my heart and break it. For what feels like the hundredth time. Into a shit ton of tiny pieces.

This man who would draw me in, and tell me secrets, and I would tell mine too… but never had any plans or desires to be with me in the future. Throw out comments like be his woman and his wife, ask if I would move here or there and discuss future things… And then turn around and claim he never led me on. Saying since he never said he loved me, that it makes everything else fine.

Maybe it does. Maybe I’m looking to far into it. Maybe the words I love you are more important than him saying you know how much you mean to me C, or holding me, or kissing me the way he did. I guess in his mind that was the only thing that mattered, the actual words I love you. And I shouldn’t feel so hurt.

But I do.

I hurt.

I’m crying. For everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve had taken from me. Everything I’ve given away. Not just involving K, but in my life.

And I hate it.

Because I thought I was stronger than this.

This stupid girl who fell in love with a man who was using her.

Again.
-Adele/Water Under The Bridge-

To Be in Love With Someone Who Could Never Love You

Have you ever been in a relationship or just a friendship where you felt like they were your everything and you were just ‘something’ to them… at best? 

Or where you can’t be with them because of dumb or made up reason and you find yourself always having to contain your feelings/emotions for them because you know how you feel for them won’t be reciprocated? 

So you go around day after day, pretending that how your friendship, as it stands, is enough for you when deep inside your screaming for more, but at the same time worried to push for what you want because then you might lose the little that you have. 

It’s infuriating. To love someone who doesn’t love you. 

It’s embarrassing. To want someone so much. 

It’s degrading. To continually be pushed aside. 

It’s humiliating. To feel like I still want more despite all this. 

It’s just fucken annoying. That I have so much more to say, yet can’t say it to the person that matters. For fear of losing it all. 
-Frank Ocean/Bad Religion-

And You Can’t Stop Me From Falling Apart

I refuse to watch 13 Reasons Why. As someone who has attempted suicide myself, on more than one occasion, and obviously failed (self high-five), I don’t feel I need to know someone else’s reasons behind killing themselves. Do I think it’s a good show for people to watch who have never experienced suicidal tendencies? Sure, maybe, I don’t know. But like¬† I said, I won’t watch it, so I can’t advise.
My first attempt was when I was about 16 (I think… in around there). Looking back, my life was pretty good, so from all outward appearances there was nothing that would have given away my intentions.
I grew up in the suburbs, in a brand new house my mom designed and had built when I was 10 using the inheritance my dad got when his parents passed away within a year of each other. I was pretty much a straight A student¬†for the most part until¬†Gr. 12. I had a solid group of friends. I had lots of activities I was involved in, you know the standard boring stuff like band and *synchronized* swimming. I played b-ball in junior high and rugby throughout high school. I wasn’t a “trouble” kid, never even been sent to the principles office (unless the teacher needed and errand kid… then¬†I was your girl)¬†I wasn’t your emotional girly girl, my friends all came to me for advice knowing I could be trusted to keep secrets as well as lead them in the right direction. I’ve never been fired from a job since I first started working at 14.¬† I was/am¬†fiscally responsible, and bought my first car (at the time a sweet black coupe Sunfire lol)¬†at 16. Basically, I was¬†your model goody-two-shoes citizen.
It would seem I had it all.
So why would someone who had it “so good” feel so desperate that they had to try to kill themselves. Good question. One that I can’t even explain well. It’s like you get to a point where you feel desperate. You feel like no matter¬†what,¬†no matter how¬†hard you try or what you do, it won’t¬†be good enough, or even better,¬†it won’t matter.¬†It comes from inside. It’s not necessarily because of a certain situation or because of something someone said to you, it comes from deep inside of you. You feel like your drowning in yourself. You feel out of control. And as hard as you try to “think positive” or “look at the bright side” or whatever other ridiculous thing people tell you in that moment, the feeling is there. Deep down inside. So you stop telling them about your struggle. You say your fine. You act like your fine. You show no outward appearances of being in trouble. Because you don’t need the words from people who don’t understand you,¬†trying to “make things better” They don’t get that words won’t help. This is a feeling. An emotion. A¬†confliction rising from places you didn’t know existed deep within yourself. Places you’ve tried to keep hidden. Because you are a happy person. Who doesn’t have 13 reasons to kill herself. A person who has a million reasons to live.
Yet, you don’t want to.
So, one night while my parents where out, I very carefully and methodically downed an entire bottle of extra strength Advil, laid down. and went to sleep for what I hoped, in the moment, would be the last time.
Imagine my surprise and to be honest, hurt, confusion and annoyance when I woke up the next morning feeling nothing but a slight stomach ache. WTF? Seriously? How much does it take?¬†So I got up and went to school as per usual. I hardly told anyone until now. Why admit failure at something as ridiculous as this right? lol. I continued with my life as usual thinking back on that night often… than less as time went on.
Until about¬†3 years ago. Went the feelings came back again. Harder, and much more intense. But this time I was more “mature” about it lol. I had two kids looking up to me, so I at least went for help. I had left E, and was living with my parents again (full circle hey) and I knew I needed help. So one night after I put the kids to sleep I asked my parents if they minded watching the kids while I went out to the clinic, because I really needed to go. Like RIGHT NOW! So I went to the clinic… where the Dr was a douche.
I tried explaining why I was there, and how I was looking for anti depressants. Simple right? Give the depressed suicidal woman antidepressants and everything’s good. At least that how I thought it would go down. But nope. He kept asking why I felt I needed them (Ummmmmmmmm, I’m depressed? Idiot) and saying if I’m suicidal or even overly depressed, he wouldn’t be able to let me leave and would have to call it in to the hospital, and put me under an emergency watch. So all I could think about was that I had already shared too much. I had come for help. And now you want to lock me in a ward somewhere? Nope. Nope nope nope a million times no. I did a hard 180 and back tracked on everything I had said to him and walked out the office ASAP. But as I drove home, the feelings crept back in.¬†Deeper and more desperate than before. If a doctor couldn’t/wouldn’t help me, then what chance did I have? I felt I had done my best going about dealing with it the “proper way” by going to see a “medical professional” and left feeling more overwhelmed then I had an hour ago.
So when¬†I pulled into the garage at my parents house, even though it wasn’t premeditated… I closed the¬†overhead door, and just stayed. I had the car running and the windows down and I just sat there with my eyes closed. I briefly thought about my kids and how they would be fine with my parents, and I could at least enjoy¬†my last moments¬†relaxing¬†with nothing going through my head but whatever songs were on the radio.
Music. One of the most important things in my life. Because it can connect you with/too so many things, but also it can disconnect you from life. Which is what I wanted right then. To forget life. And forget pain, and fear, and every other emotion. I wanted to just ¬†“be” one last time. Until I’m not sure how much later, but my Dad walked out, saying he had heard the garage door, and wondering if I was ok/what I was doing out there.
No. No, I was not ok. I did not get the help I was looking for. And now you’ve interrupted my “master plan”¬†so now what.
Well “now what” turned out to be a visit to a competent doctor the next day at the¬† urging of my parents.¬†The new¬†doctor¬†worked with me, getting me the proper antidepressants that would work with the seizure meds I’m on, as well as follow up calls and emails to ensure I was doing better. Which for the most part I was.
And I still kinda am. Although, upon reflection, I’ve noticed it’s definitely a S.A.D. thing. Which is not something I’m embarrassed about. Even as recently as this past winter, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. Which is probably why¬†I never felt this way while living in Africa. And although I’m not taking anti depressants anymore, I deal with the emotional pull of the darkness inside myself¬†during that¬†time of year. Something I’m sure will probably happen this coming winter too.
Do I think I’ll try to kill myself again? Not really. But right now, I’m okay. I’m not depressed…¬†for now. So I cannot say for sure. All I know is there are not 13 reasons for me. There is not even one. In my opinion, someone who is suicidal, is that way because nothing makes sense. The thoughts in their head are all “down” and “dark.” It’s definitely not a well written and organized 13 point plan/reasons. It’s just desperation and hopelessness.
Or just someone who has had enough. And I hate to be a downer, but sometimes there aren’t warning signs. I was very good at keeping it to myself, and being a “happy friendly¬†carefree” 16 year-old. I never cut myself, or did any other self harm when I went straight to downing those pills. I never gave anyone a heads up. I didn’t even write a suicide note. I wasn’t in it for the attention, I was trying to do it, to be done with life. I didn’t give two shits what anyone else thought, then and still to this day that’s how I do life.
I have never had someone close to me commit suicide. And I’m truly sorry if you have. But to be honest, it’s not about what you could’ve done to help. Because depression comes from within. And needs to be solved from within. My medication helped me. No conversation with friends or family. No amount of get togethers or going out will help. Because the individual will just paste on a fake smile and then once they go home and are alone, the “dark” thoughts will be back, if they weren’t there the whole time anyways.
Depression is a medical condition that should be helped with medication.
It should not be judged or laughed at. It also should not be made to be explained by the inflicted. Because it can’t be. You either are depressed or you are not. like I said before, nothing in the outer world “makes” you depressed.
For me it came from within. And¬†I shouldn’t need 13 reasons why.


-Skillet/Open Wounds-
 

Are You Afraid Of Being Alone Cause I Am, I’m Lost Without You

Would I be okay alone? This question has crossed my mind too much recently, and too answer honestly,¬†of course I would be okay. But I wouldn’t thrive.

You see even when you are in a relationship, you are destined to be alone at some points in your life. Most in fact, but it’s the knowledge that someone is¬†doing life with you that helps. It’s when you roll over in bed and feel where the bed dips down because that’s their spot. It’s when you sit on a chair that’s still warm and know they must’ve just been around recently. It’s when you feel a breeze in the air when they walk by, even without a word, but you feel their presence. It’s when your coffee is made in the morning with a little note after they’ve let for work, or your lunch is packed in the fridge for the day. It’s when the laundry is folded and put away in the drawers so magically.¬†It’s when you smell¬†their cologne from down the hall. ¬†It’s when you hear the garage door open and know they made it home from work safely. It’s when they call and you see their picture come up on your phone and you smile, even if your fighting, because they, just as they are, make you smile. It’s when you see the half eaten pack of muffins that was supposed to last all week, but is gone in a night, that you just adjust and buy more next time. It’s when you notice the lawn is cut or the sidewalks shoveled. All without you actually being with them.

Or more intimately, it’s when they stand behind you and kiss your neck right below your ear because they’ve learned after kissing you everywhere and¬†paying close attention¬†to your response that that’s what you like the best. It’s when they whisper in your ear… and see the shivers rise on your arms, that you know even though you could survive alone, you don’t want to. You don’t want to, because you want to be with them. Because life is more… phenomenal, more beautiful, yet somehow more simple with that person.

So yes, I could be alone and be fine. But what’s the point of fine? We were made for more than “fine.” I want unprecedented, astounding, something that makes other people jealous yet happy for us at the same time. I don’t want to be fine. I don’t want to be just ok. I want what I’ve described, and even though I’ve been married, I’ve never had most these things. I know, I know, what did I marry E for? Haha I’m still trying to figure that out.

But until I find someone who wants something rare¬†like I do… I’ll be okay. Plain and simple okay.


-Blink 182/I’m Lost Without You-