We Were Born To Be Princes Of The Universe No Man Could Understand My Power Is In My Own Hand

700 followers feel I’m worthy of your time.

100 posts already to my name.

30 years old next week.

2 humans breathed into existence because of me.

1 mind living in turmoil.

Inside this body.

That I call my own, but I don’t feel I own it completely anymore.

Everything I see now, feels familiar. I feel like everything I do now has been done before, yet it is both fresh and new.

I can’t even begin to explain to you what happened to me on Saturday night, but I’m changed.

Even more than last week, I’ve had another experience. One that was enough for me to actually question if I was real, or if my friend was real, or if were all just figments of my imagination. Or worse, someone else’s imagination.

As it stands, he thinks I was RIDICULOUSLY high.

But, since I take edibles, and they are individually portioned, I took the same as normal, maybe even less, since there was a huge almond in this portion and the piece I normally eat is the size of maybe 3 almonds all together… so it was mostly just nut if that makes sense?

Anyways, I wasn’t even that high… on weed at least.

But I wasn’t in my right mind I know that.

I also know I’ll never be in the same state of mind that I was before.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain what happened that night. At least not here on “paper.” This is something that I need a good 3 hours to just talk about so I don’t miss any details. But I’ll attempt.

It started as a major deja vu. Major, MAJOR.

Like you know you get those small moments where you feel you felt you’ve been there before etc? Well it started off like that. Except then it continued. To the point where I was predicting what was going to happen next because it was so familiar. And then the moments stretched into minutes. And the few minutes became over half an hour before I stopped even tracking it.

But then even more than deja vu, it was like all the pieces of my life, up until that point, began to fit together. I saw it in front of me like a wonderful puzzle where every piece was there for a purpose. I began to realize that everything had happened for a reason. For this reason. For this fuckin moment! The world began to spin and swirl all together. All my moments, and moments from my friend’s life, whose energy I’ve been feeling,  all our “pieces” fit together into the most beautiful puzzle.

We created a masterpiece with our lives. Except it wasn’t just moments from this life. It was since the beginning of time. Almost like we’ve lived many lives, and only just now, in that moment did it all make sense (I didn’t even consider reincarnation a possibility until this night) And as the deja vu was happening, time became faster and faster, and everything sped up and swirled,  wrapping up everything from our lives to complete this mosaic.

Then as the swirling stopped and the pieces all came together and it was the world but even more than that it was the universe and the knowledge that came with it was placed in my head, obviously not everything ever known, but I think the ability to reach it.

Then everything began to shrink. More and more. I watched my hands age in front of my face (I got skinnier which was a bonus, but beside the point)

And every memory I’ve ever had began to shrink with it, quicker and quicker, smaller and smaller, yet twirling still. Until I was looking at my hands and at my pinched fingers and it was all but a speck of dust so to speak, and my panic rose because I felt that when the universe, once it was gone, would take me with it. I thought I was going to die this feeling was so intense.

But when even the universe, both so immense, yet smaller than a speck of dust dissipated to nothing, time froze. And my breath with it.

Until I caught my breath and my voice came with it. But at this moment there was nothing. I was in my room. I know this because I just know. But at the time, there was nothing, yet there was everything.

Then my voice, started out ever so slowly, quietly, and unprovoked on its own.

‘This,

is

the

birth

of

love’

No other sound or movement. Just pure energy from within.

And then the words became increasingly faster and then music joined them. And I knew in that moment, we had created the most beautiful love song. I can’t remember all the words I spoke, or even begin to comprehend why I spoke them. All I know is that somehow, I both spoke, and sang and somehow made music with my mouth all at the same time.

And as our song unraveled, it was joined by knowledge.

More knowledge then I’ve ever held. Unwinding from within me. Like everything had been poured into a funnel, swirling to the tip, and now was slowly trickling out the bottom. Fresh and new.

It’s almost like the funnel and the swirling was representative of the end of…something. An era. And now all the pieces of that time had finally come together and now I am starting again.

But what is coming out the other end is terrifying. And amazing.

Then, I felt my friend. His energy. And it consumed me.  More than anything I’ve ever felt. And his “spirit/soul/energy’ talked to me. And we just loved each other. And we talked. Not a word was spoken, but our consciousness were connected. We apologise for the past, and made plans for the future, just everything, but mostly it was love.

His energy took the time to show me things in my life. About how my seizure were a way of our energies trying to connect. How deja vu’s were moments when we were both feeling similar situations emotions at the same time and therefore our souls were close. I felt certain pains in his body but there were in my body,  as the energy coursed through. My right ankle throbbed as well as my hip. My jaw felt as if it was going to explode. I felt a shooting pain in my shoulder among so many others, but then in an instant everything was good. Better than before. Peaceful.

And we just felt it. Well correction. I felt it. I felt his being there. So much. And his thoughts weren’t something I could imagine, well maybe I could, but our energies were arguing about how we could make it work. I could tell my thoughts from his thoughts and I could tell when we were thinking the same thing because my body would tense up.  And in the end we were both like fuck it, we don’t know how it will work, we don’t know how we will ever be together, but I know I love you, and you know you love me and shouldn’t that be it? As long as we love each other.

Right after it happened, or during, or after, I can’t remember, the whole thing is overwhelming,  I called him. I became so panicked that I might be schizophrenic/multiple personality because I felt SO connected to him. To everyone now, in a weird way, but specifically him.

I thought that the world might be a figment of my imagination. I literally thought, because I had thoughts that previously weren’t my own, that maybe I had created other personalities, and now my mind had created him.

I actually asked him if he was real. To which he responded (to slowly for my liking at the time) yes. So then I asked if I was real, thinking maybe I was a figment of HIS imagination. This is how connected I felt. I became paranoid that I has crossed some mental line and that if I was just a “personality” of either his or mine, that I would wake up in a different body.  His or whomever’s brain I truly belonged to. Probably strapped down in some hospital bed.

I actually asked my friend to kill me if I woke up not in my regular me. I thought I was basically talking to myself in another form, and I felt like I was telling “myself” (but my friend) to kill me/us. Because I didn’t think I could handle a life without either him, or my kids, or the reality of being that mentally ill.

You guys this is how real this experience was.

I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2-3 in morning. There was just so much in my mind to go over yeah, but also I felt like there was so much knowledge that kept coming. Or I kept discovering. I learned so much about too much to share right now. Probably too much to share ever.

I think it will be something that I continue to discover as I move on.

Either way, this will be the first post of many, since I couldn’t get it all out now, and I’m sure you all want to know how my friend felt about this once I attempted to poorly explain it to him. Check back to see how that “lovely” conversation went.

*Yes, I made an appointment to see a doctor this Friday, I’m not dumb, contrary to how it seems*


-Queen/Princes Of The Universe-

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Do We Get To Do It Twice In Another Life Scared To Go To Sleep Now ‘Cause Being Awake Is What All My Dreams Were Like

So, this ‘thing’, this ‘feeling’ I’m feeling, has officially gotten me concerned enough that I’ve decided this week I’m going to make an appointment to go see my Doctor to investigate the possibility of a tumor.

Now I don’t take this lightly, since I have actually been told by a Dr. that I might have a brain tumor before. Something that was effecting my epilepsy.  I went for multiple tests and scans and in the summer of 2016 and everything came back clear. But after my night a week ago, things have been getting worse and I don’t know how to accurately describe it without sounding crazy, but I’ll give it a go.

Even just thinking about a tumor made me tear up, but I don’t know what’s worse, having a legitimate medical condition, like a tumor, that is potentially something that can be removed/fixed, or being “crazy” and sensing someone thinking about me.

Let me explain.

Last you heard, I had an amazing/scary experience where I felt my friend. I felt his thoughts and emotions. I felt him in me. His energy and his being, all while he wasn’t even in the room. That was last week. And I was high. Those are all things I remember plain as day. So some of you rightfully suggested that perhaps it was just a really strong trip, and that it was all in my mind. Totally reasonable considering that yes, I was high.

But then it happened again, and again, and now more frequently, and stronger. And while completely sober. Yesterday I met with my friend for the first time since it happened. But even before we linked up, sometime in the morning I felt the feeling coming so strongly, and right then he called. Then while we were out driving, I needed a drink so he went in and bought some water for me, and right before he came out, I felt it so strong again (while he was paying for it). Also, since we were practicing driving, and my car’s a standard, both times he stalled the car, I felt the feeling, of just pure energy coursing through me.

And that’s when I thought I figured it out. Maybe.

I feel it whenever he thinks of me.

I made probably a dumb move the second time he stalled the car and I felt it, by asking him if he was thinking of me. Because he said yeah, and I said he didn’t have to be embarrassed. I mean he’s still learning and every car’s different. I honestly think no different of him if stalls the car or not. But once I realized the connection… or at least the possible connection… it got so much stronger. Almost overwhelming.

I feel like my mind had been studying for a ridiculous exam for weeks, or I just need nap. It’s become mentally exhausting, to the point that I want to call him to ask him to stop thinking of me because I think I feel it and I can’t handle it.

I don’t know about this whole idea of twin flames… Should it be like this? Am I off my rocker? Shouldn’t it only happen to two individuals at the same time? Like this guys has no idea of how I’m feeling and I feel beyond freaky trying to make him understand but I know I sound like I should be locked up. Why hasn’t he had the same ‘experience’ as I?

That I’m the only one feeling this. It’s apparently supposed to be some connection between two peopl ebut I”m the only one who feels it on this level. And maybe I’m literally the only person in human existance who’s ever felt something like this.

That’s what makes me think I’m crazy.

Yes. I’m aware of how insane it sounds. Which is exactly why I’m planning on getting myself checked out. But in the off chance that the doctors give me the all clear? Then what? Or on the other hand…. what if they don’t?

Either way, something, yet again, is going on with me.


-Drake/Two Birds One Stone-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action Please

Ladies! What is wrong with us? Apparently the majority of the female population are putting out this vibe that we don’t give a f**k? That we aren’t there to support or listen to men. It’s absurd how many guys, after ONE night/date/phone call/what have you, will tell me I’m so easy to talk to, or that I really listen, or that they should be paying me for my therapy services, or they feel really comfortable around me unlike other girls in the past.
This truly baffles me. Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything extraordinary that any human being shouldn’t be practicing on a daily basis. I make conversation. I make a honest effort to get to know people. I enjoy making people smile, but I also know there’s a time and a place for that. I understand sympathy but because of my life I hold a large amount of empathy in many situations. I don’t think anyone’s thoughts are invalid, dumb sometimes, yes but I understand everyone has their own opinions.

What I don’t understand, is how so many men, seem to have never met a woman who listens like I do. Because it’s so simple. Men have issues and feelings that they need someone to talk to about, probably even more so than chicks, because they most likely don’t have a group of gal pals they gossip with every Friday night unlike some people…. But they don’t wanna tell a woman all their issues so the girl can tell them what do with it, or try to solve the problem for them. But instead they want to talk with a woman so the man feels support in the choices he’s making. If he feels he trusts the girl enough, then believe me, I know by experience, he will ask for your advice, and because it’s welcomed and invited at that point, 90%+ of the time, he’ll take it.

But if girls are just either not going to want to listen to men talk about deep stuff in their lives in the first place, or listen only to tell the guy what to do? Then the guys aren’t gonna wanna talk.

I try to always remember this saying I heard so many years ago.

“Most people listen to respond, they don’t listen to hear.’

And since then I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to listen to hear what a person is truly saying. Sometimes I pause, think it through, I even ask myself if it requires a response, then if so what direction should it go. Because sometimes an individual won’t speak the exact words directly, but the meanings or implications are there if you are seriously making an effort to hear.

I dunno… it’s either really working, or really not, depending on what way you view my situation/life  😂


-Elvis Presley/A Little Less Conversation-

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

Happy Birthday To You Happy Birthday Dear Little E, Happy Birthday To You.

Today is little E’s 7th birthday. And I have so many things I’ve been wanting to post about, but decided to write about the day he was born. Because that’s a story of its own!

My pregnancy with little E went great. Absolutely no morning sickness, none of the uncomfortable sleeping at night, just a tiny bit of heartburn near the end which I’m pretty sure can be attributed to all the hair he was born with. I’m very lucky to have had such a good pregnancy because E was no support. Throughout the 9 months, he would often suggest that the baby was in fact not his, and that the night of my failed housewarming ( https://shewassetfree.wordpress.com/2017/04/12/house-warming-it-was-cold-as-fuck/) I had slept with S, and therefore who knows how many other men. As you can imagine this was difficult to deal with while pregnant, and I didn’t feel very supported, so it was nice to at least feel like the baby was working with me.

The only thing that really changed for me was that I craved steak like nobody’s business. I could eat steak for breakfast, lunch, dinner and still want more, until some blood work revealed that it was amazing I was still up and walking since my iron was SO depleted. Once I got on some iron supplements, the cravings slowed and then the only that bothered me was smell.

EVERYTHING stunk to me. Especially E. He would get home from work, I’d have to ask him to shower. He’d come home from rugby practice, where he just showered, and I’d make him do it again. Before we left anywhere, I’d ask him to reapply deodorant, or shower. I know he didn’t actually stink more than before, but to me? Oh god the smell was awful. At one point we went to my parents for supper and I actually apologized to my mom for how E smelled and she’s like ‘honey, he doesn’t smell, it’s your nose/hormones’ … didn’t matter to me, I still needed him to shower 3x a day if not more.

So, anyways as we neared, and then passed little E’s due date, I found myself doing all the preparations for the baby. E didn’t put together one baby item. He didn’t purchase one particle of clothing for our first child. He was barely interested in conversations about the name even. Except of course to throw in the lies about the middle name and confuse the shit outta everything. But as far as first names go, it was basically up to me, which I’m so grateful for! At least now I don’t have to say my kids names every day and have regrets about them. I picked them both out and love them throughly.

Since apparently my womb is so comfortable, little E stayed 10 days past his due date and I had an appointment to be induced. E decided he didn’t want to come with me, so I drove myself to the hospital. He basically said let him know how it goes and if anything happens, he would come later.

So I was on my own. 22 years old. About to give birth to my first child. And my husband chose work over supporting me.

I went through the process and stayed for about an hour when the nurse came to check me out and said there was no signs of labor so I could head home for now, but to come back if anything changes. So I headed home. I had some slight back pain but, since this was my first time, I kept waiting for ‘contractions’ and yet had no idea what they would feel like. My back pain kept getting worse and I had no way of relieving it, so I took a shower. E was home from work by the time I got out of the shower but I was in so much pain all I could do was sit on my towel on my bed. This ended up being probably the best thing for me, since while I was still on the towel, my water broke and I finally clued in that my back pain was actually contractions. #idiot
I told E we had to go now, and his response was that I had to wait since he needed to eat since he just got him from work and was hungry. So while E did whatever he did in the kitchen, I got myself dressed and hauled my hospital bag out to the car, all while in labor.
E finally moseyed his way to the car and we went to the hospital where I was admitted ASAP.

My mom met us at the hospital since at this point I knew E was going to be probably not too much help and to be honest I was scared and needed someone to be there as a support. Most women have their husbands for support, but well, I had E soooo, mom was like my plus one.

My mom came into the room and then E left! I was like what the? And he told us that he didn’t think he was going to stay in the room because where he’s from the men don’t stay, it’s more of a woman’s thing. I was like get your ass in this room right now! You got me into this! You are going to help me through it! I don’t care if you just stand there silently or even faint! You stay!
So he did, although he just stood there quietly, he stayed in the room.

Meanwhile, because everything was happening so quickly, my room was buzzing with people. My maid of honor at my wedding is actually a labour and delivery nurse and was working that night, which was the only thing keeping me sane. She tried to make sure I had the best Dr. and nurses and when the actual delivery came she was right there helping out too.

I didn’t have a big ‘delivery plan’. I knew I was all for the drugs though, I mean if I can do this pain-free, then load me up. So they started with the laughing gas (which did nothing to help) while my MOH tracked down an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and did his poke, but for some reason, the epidural didn’t work either, and this baby was coming NOW.

I remember the Dr doing that dumb counting thing, like for your breathing, and everyone’s saying oh you’re doing great, good job, keep going, and I just snapped. I actually yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at everyone. In my mind I just wanted quite so I could focus on my own in peace, plus their words were doing nothing to help so I just wanted silence. After I yelled though I felt bad so I kept apologizing, and trying to explain how I just needed quite, and everyone’s like no it’s ok, you can yell all you want.

So, the pushing is going on and there’s so much happening in my room with me and E and my mom and about 6-8 staff (I don’t even know for sure) because something is going wrong…. as I’m pushing, the baby gets stuck. So my MOH gets a stool and stands on it, holds her arms out like she’s about to perform CPR and then literally JUMPS and pushes onto my belly and helps push little E out. Who let me tell you, WAS NOT LITTLE!

Little E was 9lbs 7ozs and a short little sucker. He looked like a sumo wrestler no lie. A cute sumo wrestler. The Dr who delivered him felt the need to comment saying ‘Oh if I had known he was this big, I would’ve done a C-section’. Oh thank you for that. Thanks for saying that NOW! When there’s no going back. Thanks for talking about the huge new life I just pushed through my vagina while you use a dozen stitches to close me up. Yeah, thanks. Real professional.

But, aside from having my genitalia ripped open, the drugs not working, and E not being interested at all in being there…

It was the most beautiful day of my life. No I didn’t cry. But I was very broken at the time. I did cherish it though. I remember little E had no problem starting to nurse and the feeling of having a new life, a human, so small yet fully functioning, look into your eyes while feeding off of the life you bring it? Priceless.

I stayed up all night just watching him. Making sure he was ok. Changing diapers that didn’t need to be changed, but just to do it.. Waking up E so he could bring me the baby. Holding him. Touching him. Stroking his hair. Looking into his eyes. Singing to him. Just loving him. And I would do it all again.
Everything I’ve been through with E, I would do again just to have the amazing experience of little E’s life it has brought me.

7 years ago today.


-Patty Hill&Mildred Hill/Happy Birthday-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

If I Got Locked Away And We Lost it All Today Tell Me Honestly, Would You Still Love Me The Same?

He called. 

Finally. Right in the middle of my Canada Day family gathering with everyone over at my place. On a line where I could barely hear anything, but it didn’t matter because he called. 

So I can put to rest some imaginary situations my very active mind had thought up in the last few days, and just appreciate the call for now. Just enjoy the fact that even though it took 4 days, he’s been going through way more during the last little while than I have, yet he still managed to ask how little E and Z were doing. 

The call was super quick since I was hosting dinner for about 16 people in my tiny townhouse, and there wasn’t much spare quite time, but I asked him how he was and to see if he was ok. He was honest and said it fuckin sucked… not that I expect anything different. I don’t expect him to be thrilled to be there, living the dream type thing. Mainly I want to make sure he’s safe, so to hear his voice, and to hear him say that yeah it sucks, tears me apart inside because I know it must be awful, and that I can’t do anything to help makes it even worse. 

But on the other hand, the other very selfish hand… I’m elated that he called. Because the worst thought that crossed my mind was what if he doesn’t call? What if either he was using me and this is his way out? Because I can’t track him down and have no way of finding him one day so if he was done with me this was his perfect opportunity to “ghost” me. Or he wasn’t using me, but still decided he was done because wanted a fresh start after his warrant was up, same outcome, he could’ve easily not contacted me, and I wouldn’t have been able to track him down, so it would have been the end. 

So, I’m just happy he called. Because now I can put those things behind me. Plus I got to hear his laugh. Now, hopefully I can be a better conversationalist next time he calls, instead of having to hang up after a few short minutes because I have company. 
-R. City/Locked Away-

I’m at a Payphone Trying to Call Home All of My Change I Spent on You/Baby it’s All Wrong Where are the Plans We Made for Two

Nothing. 

They say no news is good news, but that’s the biggest pile of shit ever. 

It’s only been like just over 48 hours, so I’m trying to be patient, but I guess it’s not a strong point of mine. 

I started off my day yesterday researching where to even start looking for where to contact K. I googled so many different searches that if I die and my browser history is revealed, people will have some weird questions about me. Anyways it lead me to a phone number for the cops about recent arrests… which I dialed. But as I make my way through the automated voice response, to the extension I needed, a recording starts which says that ‘they cannot release information about detainees over the age of 18, and it is up to them to inform their families of their whereabouts’ Oh great, I’m thinking. Why bother having this number anyways if you can’t give out information!?! 

Then, an actual person comes on the phone and I explained that although I heard the recording, I’m looking for an individual who was recently arrested after breaking parole, and I have no idea where to start looking. He said if it was a parole violation most likely he was sent to a certain centre and to try there. So I thanked him for at least pointing me somewhere and then looked up the centre. 

Yep, you guessed it. Same thing. They won’t release information on individuals held there. So now, the only way I’ll know where K is, and if he’s ok, is if he calls me, or reaches out to me in any fashion. 

And that scares me. Because why hasn’t he yet? And what if he doesn’t. Like I get he has to contact his family first and like a lawyer maybe… I don’t know how it works, and maybe he’s only allowed a certain number of calls a day… or maybe he doesn’t have money for a call? 

So many thoughts are running through my head, mainly, is he ok? And will he call? And why did things have to pause on such an unstable note between us? And how long do i wait for him to call before realizing he won’t? 

Agggghhhh. I seriously don’t even have the proper words to describe my feelings/frustration. 
-Maroon 5/Payphone-