Done From The Truth I’ll Never Run Be It The Light Or The Shadow I Walk In Hand With All

Energy.

Flow.

Feeling.

Connection.

Emotion.

There’s no denying it now.

There’s no going back from this knowledge.

Once you obtain this level of consciousness, you can’t pretend like it doesn’t exist.

Even worse, you see the falseness of those who pretend like they’ve reached it.

The connection to the universe, but even more, the connection to yourself. Because you are the universe. You have created it. For yourself. Within yourself.

You are living within it with other versions of yourself. Yes everyone in the world is a form of themselves, yet each in its own way is a version of us. Of me. Of you. Of we.

We are the universe. In its infinity. What we have created only we can take away.

Yes it is us, but it is me. Each and every individual here is here because I have chosen it. Because I allow it. Because I need it? Because I am it.

I am it.

I am the universe. I am the God.

No-one god over me but me baby.

Remember that.

Remember your soul, my soul, calling out to me from the start.

As one, yet as none.

We are our own individual being, yet we are one. You, me, we, us. All.

But none.

Everything just is. And in just being, it is nothing. Unless we choose to create… something.

We don’t know how, but we acknowledge the knowledge.

And so the story of greatness begins.

-Periphery/The Walk-

Advertisements

Do We Get To Do It Twice In Another Life Scared To Go To Sleep Now ‘Cause Being Awake Is What All My Dreams Were Like

So, this ‘thing’, this ‘feeling’ I’m feeling, has officially gotten me concerned enough that I’ve decided this week I’m going to make an appointment to go see my Doctor to investigate the possibility of a tumor.

Now I don’t take this lightly, since I have actually been told by a Dr. that I might have a brain tumor before. Something that was effecting my epilepsy.  I went for multiple tests and scans and in the summer of 2016 and everything came back clear. But after my night a week ago, things have been getting worse and I don’t know how to accurately describe it without sounding crazy, but I’ll give it a go.

Even just thinking about a tumor made me tear up, but I don’t know what’s worse, having a legitimate medical condition, like a tumor, that is potentially something that can be removed/fixed, or being “crazy” and sensing someone thinking about me.

Let me explain.

Last you heard, I had an amazing/scary experience where I felt my friend. I felt his thoughts and emotions. I felt him in me. His energy and his being, all while he wasn’t even in the room. That was last week. And I was high. Those are all things I remember plain as day. So some of you rightfully suggested that perhaps it was just a really strong trip, and that it was all in my mind. Totally reasonable considering that yes, I was high.

But then it happened again, and again, and now more frequently, and stronger. And while completely sober. Yesterday I met with my friend for the first time since it happened. But even before we linked up, sometime in the morning I felt the feeling coming so strongly, and right then he called. Then while we were out driving, I needed a drink so he went in and bought some water for me, and right before he came out, I felt it so strong again (while he was paying for it). Also, since we were practicing driving, and my car’s a standard, both times he stalled the car, I felt the feeling, of just pure energy coursing through me.

And that’s when I thought I figured it out. Maybe.

I feel it whenever he thinks of me.

I made probably a dumb move the second time he stalled the car and I felt it, by asking him if he was thinking of me. Because he said yeah, and I said he didn’t have to be embarrassed. I mean he’s still learning and every car’s different. I honestly think no different of him if stalls the car or not. But once I realized the connection… or at least the possible connection… it got so much stronger. Almost overwhelming.

I feel like my mind had been studying for a ridiculous exam for weeks, or I just need nap. It’s become mentally exhausting, to the point that I want to call him to ask him to stop thinking of me because I think I feel it and I can’t handle it.

I don’t know about this whole idea of twin flames… Should it be like this? Am I off my rocker? Shouldn’t it only happen to two individuals at the same time? Like this guys has no idea of how I’m feeling and I feel beyond freaky trying to make him understand but I know I sound like I should be locked up. Why hasn’t he had the same ‘experience’ as I?

That I’m the only one feeling this. It’s apparently supposed to be some connection between two peopl ebut I”m the only one who feels it on this level. And maybe I’m literally the only person in human existance who’s ever felt something like this.

That’s what makes me think I’m crazy.

Yes. I’m aware of how insane it sounds. Which is exactly why I’m planning on getting myself checked out. But in the off chance that the doctors give me the all clear? Then what? Or on the other hand…. what if they don’t?

Either way, something, yet again, is going on with me.


-Drake/Two Birds One Stone-

I Feel Like I’m Out Of My Mind I Feel Like My Life Ain’t Mine/When You’re There Chest To Chest With A Lover

I wonder if crazy people really truly know if/when they are crazy. Now I know “crazy” is a very incorrect term here, but hear me out. I’m not talking about the more… ‘normalized’ mental health issues, that you or your neighbor most likely have suffered from, like depression or something similar. I also know those issues aren’t normal either, trust me, I’ve suffered from depression, I’ve attempted suicide, I know the seriousness of it. But bear with me for argument’s sake.

I’m talking about more severe mental health issues. Like if an individual is a psychopath… are they aware of it? Or if a person is schizophrenic, how bad does the situation have to get before they realize that what’s going on in their own mind is maybe not right for example?

Or because it’s their own mind and their own thoughts, and because humans don’t know any different from what our own thoughts produce, maybe individuals with intense mental health issues never realize that they HAVE an issue that could and perhaps should be helped with either medications or therapy or whatever other means provided to them, because it either has always been, or has become their normal.

Just based on the principle that they are used to how their mind runs/works and it seems fine to them.

I guess the reason I’m asking….

Is because lately as you guys know, I’ve been searching. Really searching. About life. Perhaps the meaning of life. Or not so much the meaning of life, but my purpose and where do I fit into the universe. And during this process, I’ve been having some extreme experiences. Things I can’t even explain. Things that have been disconcerting, and even now have gotten to the point of slightly scary. Experiences that have legitimately been leading me to ask myself if I’m “crazy” or not, which is why I ask if I was out of my mind… would I be aware enough to know it?

Because my most recent experience, that happened this past Saturday night, left me with thoughts and emotions, even memories that weren’t my own, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I was lying in bed high, while talking on the phone with a friend and whiles we were talking I didn’t so much hallucinate him there with me so much as sense him. So I told him I had to go to sleep, like I was done for the night. We hung up the phone and I rolled over to go to sleep but I still “sensed” the friend there. Even though I knew it was just me in the room.

But then the sensation became stronger. And then the feeling of my friends energy kept urging at me. (You guys don’t mock me ok. Like I completely realize how utterly absurd this whole thing is, why do you think I”m wondering if I’m insane!)  The first 2-3 times I felt it urge for me to let it in, or to connect I opened my eyes and the feeling would diminish. But when I closed my eyes and would “listen’ and focus again, the feeling would return each time more intense than the last. Until I thought it through, thinking how bad could whatever this thing be? I’m safe in my room, alone, all this feeling is, is an energy at best, and its here for a reason, so I might as well enjoy it… so I basically in my mind said ok have at ‘er.

That’s when it rushed in. Huge surges of energy and love and joy. My body was vibrating. My thoughts were both my own as well as this energy’s. (Yeah I know, it sounds ridiculous, but wait there’s more). I now had memories that belonged to my friend ( like making love with a gorgeous woman with cat like eyes, or being on stage in front of a crowd of people and feeling the energy course through my/his veins, the list goes on and on). I also felt as if this energy was holding me. Moving my arms and hands. And it used my own hands to caress my face and hold me in my own arms. But at the same time I was hugging my friend and feeling his body. The sheer amount of energy that was passed through my body during that time was unbelievable. I could tell the difference between my thoughts and his thoughts but then there were moments when our thoughts were the same. It was, since there is no other way to describe it, out of this world. Or crazy.

But I remember when the moment was over, I’m not sure how long it lasted since it felt like it could have been anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, as the energy was leaving my body, it left a thought implanted in my mind. All I could think about after was “twin flame.” A phrase I’d never heard of before, but you can imagine I looked it up the next day.

(Here’s one of a few video’s I found, among many articles I read)

So anyways after hardly sleeping for the last few days, not being able to eat much, heck I can’t even bring myself to an orgasm since then, it’s like my body feels like it’s been invaded. And so now here I am, questioning my sanity. Which brings me back to my original question… do ‘crazy’ people know when they’re crazy? Or is the fact that I’m talking about it, reason enough to believe that I’m somewhat still sane?  How will I know if this was an experience that actually happened to me, or one that I imagined? But trust me, I couldn’t make something like this up. Because I’m the least imaginative person I know. I believe in facts and figures, not imagination and fantasy. If you were to enter my mind on a “normal’ day, you would find everything carefully categorized and probably labeled lol.  And so if it’s something that the universe brought to me… was it meant for good or have I been demon possessed or something ridiculous like that? Like you have no idea what crazy thoughts have been going through my mind since Saturday!

Am I crazy? I mean I know I sound it. But am I? Am I truly crazy.


-Logic Ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid/1-800-273-8255-

I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

FullSizeRender

But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

She Holds The Hand That Holds Her Down She Will Rise Above Don’t Call Me Daughter Not Fit To

So I went for a follow up visit to my Naturopath this morning. And like she asks every 4 weeks when I’m there, she questioned how life is… how are my stress levels, what’s new, etc. And like every previous visit she is shocked by what is going on in my life and how there can possibly be so much change in one month.

My digestion, in my very humble opinion, was getting better for a little while. I think at least. But then since my last visit, just to much went on in my life and it took a definite turn for the worse. I found my stomach rumbling constantly and I was headed to the washroom every couple hours just like old times.

So after going over my Dr’s notes with her, and comparing our timelines, we basically realized that my digestive issues are pretty much directly related to the amount of stress in my life. And since we all know I have a constant level of stress… well we can imagine how well I digest my food and get any nutritional value from anything I eat.

So once again she recommended a few meditation apps and did a few switches to the treatment I’m taking. Then I also got a concoction of vitamins shot into my rear and I was on my way.

Well not quite. We did also discuss my mother a little first. I didn’t really want to out my mom to my Dr as my Naturopath knows my mom, since she used to be a patient. But in taking about what was stressful in my life right now I did say my mom, which led her to say ‘What now?’ Yeah… my mothers been a reoccurring theme at that office lol. So I decided to explain to my Dr what the issue was and she was shocked.

Shocked that my mom would support not only Trump but the whole situation. I did explain that I’m not sure if my mom still supported Trump, being that I haven’t had a conversation with her since last week, but even the fact that she did, and said she had said that I was the one with the problem was enough for my Dr. And to be honest, I kinda felt good hearing that from another person.

Until now, I haven’t discussed this issue with anyone in my life. I blocked my mom on Facebook and haven’t answered her calls this week. I just felt I needed some time to decide where I want our relationship to go from here, if we even are to continue with one. So when my Dr was shocked to hear that my mom was behaving like she is, I felt justified in a way. Like almost that I’m not being overly sensitive. That I should be offended, and I should take a stand on this, and to not back down.

Basically for the first time in this situation I felt more confidence. Because a wiser/older/smarter individual was thinking along the same lines as I was, and agreed with what I had to say. So I just appreciated that moment. She did give me some advice, asking first if I wanted it and saying she didn’t want to over step her boundaries hoping it wasn’t to much (which I appreciated) and suggested that I ask whichever ‘being’ I pray to for guidance. I told her that I stopped going to church a couple months ago, and she said she doesn’t believe in the principle of church either, but that there’s obviously good and evil. And that something might be controlling it all, so it wouldn’t hurt to throw a ‘prayer’ out for guidance on how to handle this situation so I’m not overwhelmed by it.

So I appreciated her help… but I’m still not sure about the praying thing. I’ve been there and done that and, well, look at me now.

So I headed home and now had the mom thing on my mind again. Although now I felt more prepared to deal with it. Like I said I felt a little more confidence now that I knew… well at least felt like I was on the right side of the fence.

So once I got home I felt the urge to call my sister R, to see how she felt. R and my mom? Not the best of friends. They never really were but it completely broke down one year when I was in Kenya, although I don’t know all the details, because I only heard it from my mom over the phone, but… here goes….

Since R is married, she obviously had to spilt holidays between us and her husband J’s family. Well I guess this one Christmas, because of scheduling (plus my mom being pissed at me for being out of the country) it was becoming difficult for mom and R to pick a time/date that would work for everyone to meet for Christmas. So what did my lovely mother do? Uninvited R and her family to Christmas.

So, I decided to call R to see how she handled keeping mom at a distance. Omg. She hadn’t even answered the phone yet and I’m getting all emotional. As soon as she said hi? I started crying. That damn vitamin shot. Every time I take it, it makes me so emotional, it’s ridiculous, which I forgot about until I’m bawling on the phone with R. She’s asking if I’m ok and I’m trying to explain that I’m fine, and nothing’s wrong, but I’m seriously crying so hard I sound like a seal giving birth.

So I take a solid two minutes to pull myself together, and manage to get out that nothing’s wrong, so she doesn’t panic. Once I’m in control again, I reassure her it’s nothing crazy just mom and she does the whole ‘Ohhh, go ahead’

So I explained pretty much what I posted here about how I told my mom the things she was constantly posting on Facebook were over the top and maybe she should step back and think a little more before posting things that could be construed as racist next time. I told R that as of right now mom is blocked and I’m not sure where to go from here.

So R’s advice is pretty much what I was moving towards.

She said leave her blocked, because if she doesn’t understand by now she won’t change. But as far as removing her from yours and the kids life entirely? That’s pretty extreme. She recommended doing like she does. Have a surface relationship with mom. Nothing to deep. If mom invites you for a two hour lunch, say you only have time for a 30 minute coffee. And as far as what influence she may have on the kids? Ultimately she loves the kids and would never want to hurt them, which I know. But in regards to morals and values that she may teach them? If she does spend time with little E and Z and they learn something from her that goes against what I am teaching them, it is my job to show them differently. As it will be when they as presented with alternative opinions from any other source outside our home.

So essentially as their mother I have to show them the way I think is truest, but I can’t just hide them from the world. They will see these issues and difficulties and opinions eventually. So I might as well use it as an opportunity to teach my children. For starters that everyone has different views on things and we don’t have to agree, and we can think they are wrong, but we don’t have to let the differences cause arguments. We can just choose to spend less time with those people and more time with the individuals who are more like minded, not like looking.

-Pearl Jam/Daughter-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action Please

Ladies! What is wrong with us? Apparently the majority of the female population are putting out this vibe that we don’t give a f**k? That we aren’t there to support or listen to men. It’s absurd how many guys, after ONE night/date/phone call/what have you, will tell me I’m so easy to talk to, or that I really listen, or that they should be paying me for my therapy services, or they feel really comfortable around me unlike other girls in the past.
This truly baffles me. Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything extraordinary that any human being shouldn’t be practicing on a daily basis. I make conversation. I make a honest effort to get to know people. I enjoy making people smile, but I also know there’s a time and a place for that. I understand sympathy but because of my life I hold a large amount of empathy in many situations. I don’t think anyone’s thoughts are invalid, dumb sometimes, yes but I understand everyone has their own opinions.

What I don’t understand, is how so many men, seem to have never met a woman who listens like I do. Because it’s so simple. Men have issues and feelings that they need someone to talk to about, probably even more so than chicks, because they most likely don’t have a group of gal pals they gossip with every Friday night unlike some people…. But they don’t wanna tell a woman all their issues so the girl can tell them what do with it, or try to solve the problem for them. But instead they want to talk with a woman so the man feels support in the choices he’s making. If he feels he trusts the girl enough, then believe me, I know by experience, he will ask for your advice, and because it’s welcomed and invited at that point, 90%+ of the time, he’ll take it.

But if girls are just either not going to want to listen to men talk about deep stuff in their lives in the first place, or listen only to tell the guy what to do? Then the guys aren’t gonna wanna talk.

I try to always remember this saying I heard so many years ago.

“Most people listen to respond, they don’t listen to hear.’

And since then I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to listen to hear what a person is truly saying. Sometimes I pause, think it through, I even ask myself if it requires a response, then if so what direction should it go. Because sometimes an individual won’t speak the exact words directly, but the meanings or implications are there if you are seriously making an effort to hear.

I dunno… it’s either really working, or really not, depending on what way you view my situation/life  😂


-Elvis Presley/A Little Less Conversation-

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that's being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn't blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen but it was fun. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row ( the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn't want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here's an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Wake Me Up When It’s All Over. When I’m Wiser And I’m Older. 

As we were preparing to get married, E shared a “tradition” from back home that he wanted us to partake in. This might be difficult to explain as it’s regarding names and I try to avoid them, as well as the fact that the “tradition” turned out to be 100% fake, and we did something that I’m, to this day, trying to remedy because E felt like making up some random story just for shits and giggles.

The tradition he told me went something like this… and keep in mind at this point, I’d never yet been to Kenya, and I had no reason to doubt anything E was saying, because quite frankly I never thought anyone would be capable of making up stuff as extreme as this just… well just because I guess. I’ll never actually know why he did it.

Anyways, he told me that when a man gets married, at least in his tribe, it was custom for him to drop his last/surname and have his middle name became his new last name. So from that point on, he’d only be known by his first and middle name.

So if I was dating a Billy Frank Smith, when we got married he would still be known as Billy, but our new last/surname would be Frank, and Smith would be out of the picture. He said then as a man, you would be starting your own family and be more removed from your Dads ‘tribe’. Also, to make it even more complex, the middle names were to be chosen from a limited group of ‘family’ names. So that the man could still be recognized as part of this certain tribe. He said they do it this way so that as a man gets married it is his way of starting his own tribe/family.

I hope I’m explaining it well, because trust me it was confusing as heck to me. Probably because it’s not a tradition that his tribe had been following for centuries or has ever done. It was something E made up in his mind. But I trusted him, because this was the man I was going to marry so I figured he was telling the truth, and I had no reason not to believe in him.

Therefore at our wedding we had to make it known during a speech to explain how we would be known as Mr and Mrs M. instead of the expected original Mr. and Mrs. S that everyone was expecting. Since E was still dealing with immigration issues though and both of our names were on so many of those documents at that time as our maiden names, neither of us changed our names at that point, which was for the best. The person it has affected most though, is little E.

When I became pregnant with him, more about this whole name thing was ‘explained’ to me by E. About how the middle names should be chosen from selected tribe names etc. At this time, our plan was that we would be moving to Kenya and living there on a more permanent basis, and I really wanted my kids to fit in as much as possible and was counting on E’s advice to make that happen. So E supplied me with a list of about 5-7 male names from his family tree that we had to choose from for little E’s middle name, that, according to E would one day be his last name once he married. We settled on a name that sounded good when said start to finish “little E, then the chosen middle name (also started with M) then the last name M’ that we would all have one day once we finished our paperwork. So it was decided. I thought. Until literally 5-10 minutes after I had given birth to little E and I was drugged up and totally out of it and E decides to ask if we can change everything we had previously decided on.

Instead of the original E.M.M, for the newly born baby boy, he wanted little E to be named E.S.M. So that little E’s middle name would be E’s current last name starting with S. So that when little E gets married and drops the last name of M, he will have E’s family name of S remaining. Confused? I was too.  I said yes, because I just didn’t care at the time, I was just glad my baby was healthy and I had successfully brought forth life. Plus I had JUST given birth, and was in no position to argue.

So little E now had the initials E. S. M. Not to bad eh? Well, it was fine, until we flew with our little boy to Kenya, where lo and behold, his family and pretty much everyone else in the entire country told me that E was full of crap. They’d never heard of that tradition before. I was mad. Now E has gone and messed with our kids names! And for what???

I confronted him about it and all he could say was that he must’ve been mistaken, and that oh ok, we’ll keep the original S last name like usual. I couldn’t believe it. Did he not realize that now little E has the S middle name and now E says it should be his last name too!?!? Like are you kidding me? Your want our son to be called little E then Smith Smith for example? No thanks.

So I bring it up today because little E has finally chosen a new middle name. He understands that his middle name of S will now be his last name so he can match Z and Dad and Mom and all share the same last/surname and since I am too stubborn and did not want little E to just have his middle name and last name switch place, mainly because I don’t want E to have that small pleasure of having his family name remain after all the chaos his lies caused. So we’ve been taking our time deciding on a brand new middle one. And little E choose it today.

We’ve read through many names and meanings and little E choose the name Theo. It means divine gift and he loves it and although there are others that I might prefer, I don’t mind giving him the lead on this choice as I can see the confidence it gives him. Plus it’s a step up from last summer when he wanted to change it to Tyrannosaurus. Plus if it was that awful I would always veto it. But I think he choose well and I’ll be working on the legal process to change it throughout the coming weeks. Oh and yes, it’s already been documented in the divorce that I can change his name without consent from E, because of the exact reasoning above. So we’re in the clear. Although I did inform E of little E’s choice and he is fine with it.

So, I guess all I can say is I’m not a fan of fake tradition.


-Avicii/Wake Me Up-