A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I'm literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can't pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I've heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I'm feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I've been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could've called he would've and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I'm very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… 'no strings attached' and how he said he wasn't going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn't called anyone! I'm actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don't give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he's ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn't give out that information.

So I'm literally no better than I was before.

I spent an entire two days trying to 'move on' even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM's me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn't promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you're potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he'd 'behave' of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don't mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would've been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn't MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It's definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights already?
Why can't I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there's J who I haven't even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I've made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I've got going on.

-Usher/Yeah-

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Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

No, I Don’t Want Your Number No, I Don’t Want To Give You Mine And No, I Don’t Want To Meet You Nowhere No, I Don’t Want None Of Your Time

Wow! Men are literally coming outta the woodwork.

I took a picture at work and posted it on the gram today (because I look amazing as I discussed yesterday lol) and my phones been going non-stop. I guess I should preface this by saying selfies for me used to be VERY rare. Like my whole Instagram feed has maybe 10 pictures of me, since the dawn of my page about 4 years ago, and probably 5 of them are within the last 6 months. But even those other few pictures never garnered this much response. So now I’ve posted a selfie… and these guys are all up in my DM and texting.

But for real all these guys keep dropping hints like they’re free tonight, or they’re only in town for a little while longer… but then nothing. I’m like, be a man, and ask me out. Don’t leave it to me. Make a plan. Follow through. I’m not impressed by your utter lack of effort. I’m not going to invite guys over to my place just cause it’s convenient for everyone. I want a date. And so either be willing to make that effort or I’m moving on… right fast.

I’m no longer worried about being ‘undatable’ or something. I’ve come to learn that I’m totally dating/marriage material, but men nowadays just don’t ask women on dates.

But I’m a patient woman. I can totally wait for the one that will.

In the meantime though I’m keeping this rant short and sweet since I’m at the park with my kiddos.

Which bring me to who, by the way, decided sand between your toes was an amazing feeling? It’s so annoying! It scratches your feet, rubs between your skin and sandals, and to top it off it’s a pain to walk in.


-TLC/No Scrubs-

Love in a Thousand Different Flavours I Wish That I Could Taste Them all Tonight No, I Ain’t Got No Dinner Plans

After W was killed, months had passed since the funeral and I had had multiple conversations with myself about “moving on”. One week I particular I found my thoughts constantly dwelling on things like ‘was I ready’, and if I was how would I even meet someone new?!? I no longer went to the club/pub/bars, and my circle of friends had been drastically reduced since the previous summer when I was raped by M and quit the job where we had both worked, and a lot of my friends worked as well. I kinda cut them all out of my life and wanted a hundred percent fresh start, without anything to remind me of M, and that basically left me with W only, until he died and I was left with no one. So I had a new apartment downtown (I had obviously moved out of the apartment M&A and I were going to share) I literally had like zero friends, all of my own doing, and a recently deceased boyfriend, and I was 20 years old and had to start fresh. 

I had no clue about how I was going to do it. And one week it was really on my mind a lot. So I had decided I was going to make a move and go out that Friday night, on my own, dancing. So it was maybe Wednesday or Thursday and I went to the mall on my day off after work to find something new to wear for the club. I was there for maybe an hour or so and honestly wasn’t feeling it and decided to head home thinking I could always try again next week, considering it’s not like I would let anyone down by not going, I had only made plans with myself anyways. 

So I was walking out to my car in the mall parking lot when a man came up to me. And I’ll be real, I don’t really remember how the conversation went but the just of it was he worked out of town, as a lot of people do in our city, and just needed a place to chill for a few days, so could he stay with me. 

Now any ‘normal person would scream hell no and beeline for safety, but nope, not me. I thoughtfully considered this very attractive man before me and instead of just straight out saying no I made some lame excuses about living in a bachelor suite and only having one bed. I thought maybe this was the universes way of helping me get over W, since I’d been thinking about it for a while now. And that’s when his pickup game became even stronger cause he pulled out something like ‘oh we’ll just have to share a bed then’ and somehow within about 1-2 minutes of literally seeing him for the first time, I agreed to let him stay a couple days with me knowing full well I would sleep with him once he got to my place. I honestly took it as a sign. I wanted to make a move to get out and meet new guys and here was one right in front of me… sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

I for real can’t even remember his name, so we’ll just call home John Doe or JD. But JD was the second guy I ever slept with. And yes he was 100% a rebound or recover or whatever you want to call him, but he helped me get over the loss of W… maybe. Probably not. I still think what if W was still around so maybe I’m not completely over him, but are we ever? 

Anyways, I gave JD my address and we met later at my apartment. We hung out almost every spare moment over the next probably 4-5 days. He took me to the hottest Jamaican restaurants in town and then every night we hit up a different dance hall/party that was going on in and around the city. JD seemed to have the know with everything. He had all the hookups and best connections, he also seemed to have the money for everything. Made me wonder why he didn’t want to stay at a hotel, but hey, I didn’t ask those kind of questions, I had my own reasons for chilling with him. 

Anyways by the time the weekend neared the end, JD had to head back to work and I was ready to ‘get back out there’ again. JD was a fun time, a very much needed escape, and boy had he taught me a thing or two in bed! I guess having sex with someone over double your age and a heck of a lot of experience will do that! But he made me realize that there are so many experiences out there waiting for me. And also that it’s totally possible for a man to treat you with kindness and respect for a few days, even knowing he won’t benefit in the long term from it. But just because your a woman and he’s a man. 

We both entered into that weekend knowing it would only be a few days, yet he treated me like a queen. He didn’t try to hide me from anyone or anything. We went to house parties and he would introduce me around and gladly make sure I was comfortable with a drink and that I wasn’t creeped on all night. He bought groceries for my place, and would make the bed every morning. I’m just saying, he could’ve been a complete dick, but instead acted like a gentleman and gave me hope about getting back out there. He made me believe that, yep, it would be worth it one day. 
So JD, even though you were 46 years old and picking up chicks in the mall parking lot, your lucky your SOO fine or else I would’ve left you there, but also thanks for making my first experience into the fwb world decent. 

Or maybe no thanks to you? Maybe if you had been awful I would’ve gave up more easily and wouldn’t have messed around with so many men after you in search of “Mr. Right” 

Either way, JD, your bold parking lot antics paved the way for many more men over the next decade to come. 

May they forever be in debt to you. 
-Jason Derulo/Swalla-

Where Did I Go Wrong I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night Had I Known How to Save a Life

I fucken messed up. Majorly. Not just something simple that I could fix with an apology. But I messed up someone’s everyday living.

I didn’t tell the whole story about last Friday with K and I.

Yes, K came over and told me he loved me. Yes, he said no strings attached. Yes, the sex was amazing. But I left out the fact that I was already high when he came over. I also left out the fact that he also got high when he arrived.

Now I only smoke weed. Nothing to serious, and I do so quite often as I’ve found that it’s not only enjoyable, but has seriously helped with my headaches that my seizures cause. K’s drug of choice is a little more illicit, although in the end I guess it wouldn’t have mattered, because K is still on parole, which means no drugs or alcohol of any sort.

Last time K had a close call he swore off it until he was at least done his parole, and he was following his promise to a T. Until I started messing around with us and writing basically any/all of my posts from last week. They led him to both finally say I love you to me. but also get high again.

I know it’s his own choice and I cannot stop him, which although I mention it, I don’t attempt to grab the pipe out of his hands, because I know ultimately it’s his choice, just like me getting high of marijuana is my choice. But I can’t help thinking I did not at all help the situation.

The reason this is so important? Because yesterday he had to do another urine test for parole, which he was quite confident he would fail. And he wanted to go on the run which since I’ve never been to prison I don’t know his thought process, but it must suck to consider going on the run for the rest of your life instead of going back for the remainder of your warrant, which in his case is about 10 months. I told him it wasn’t worth it, and that I would come visit him, and that he still has the rest of his life ahead of him… and that was it… he had to go saying he would call me.

No call all night, until this morning, where he tells me he talked again to his Parole Officer and she says that she would talk to her supervisor but didn’t think there was much she could do. He also told me if I visited him, he would hate me forever. Probably because he doesn’t want me to see him like that, which is ridiculous, but I’ll respect it.

But then it happened. A single Instagram post with the cops outside his window saying “I’m gon”

And now?

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had to get ahold of anyone in jail before. I don’t know what to do. And the thing is, it’s been so rough the last maybe week, all because of me, and I can’t help but think, if I had handled things better, then maybe he would’ve handled things differently, and the result would be far from here.

All I know is I still love him. All I wanted this whole time was to hear him say it to me. Those 3 simple words. And he did, because he realized how much I needed it. Yet I feel in a way it cost him his freedom. And I feel awful. Love shouldn’t put people behind bars. Love should make people feel freer than they ever have.

So now all I can do is wait. Wait for him to reach out to me, when he can. Hoping he doesn’t hate me. I didn’t mean to mess this all up for him. I honestly want to me there for him, but unlike last time when he thought he was going back, and was asking me to help out with a couple things, this time was nothing. I reminded him again and again I would help him with whatever, but I feel like he was pushing me away.

So now, all I can do is wait. And hope he’s okay.

Like I said, I messed up big time.

 

-The Fray/How To Save A Life-

If Your Not the One for Me Why do I Hate the Idea of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through 

Making the best choice for yourself in life is shitty sometimes. Whether it’s as simple as eating healthy food vs. a cheeseburger or cutting out people who you feel aren’t the best for you in order to make room for someone who will help you grow better. Both aren’t fun, but the “friend” option is more painful for much longer.

Which is why I’m hoping with everything in me that it will lead to more growth in the end.

I know most of you are thinking that after the whole body image (more about it here… Flaws On the Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure ) thing I probably drew a hard line with K and that was that. Oh sure I did. In the fucking sand. And then the waves that were my feelings for him came and washed what little resolve I had out the window and I was back where I started. Or worse, I don’t even know. What I do know, is that K took full advantage of my feelings and we continued to fuck, and then some. It’s just that he knows what to say to pull at my heart-strings and get what he wants. Which is basically sex without putting in the work of a relationship.

And I’m so broken and embarrassed by that. Because he’s manipulated me so well, and I hate myself for falling soooo far for him. For a man who was very careful to never say I love you to me, but would hold me in his arms and make me feel like my heart was safe. Yet when I was vulnerable, take my heart and break it. For what feels like the hundredth time. Into a shit ton of tiny pieces.

This man who would draw me in, and tell me secrets, and I would tell mine too… but never had any plans or desires to be with me in the future. Throw out comments like be his woman and his wife, ask if I would move here or there and discuss future things… And then turn around and claim he never led me on. Saying since he never said he loved me, that it makes everything else fine.

Maybe it does. Maybe I’m looking to far into it. Maybe the words I love you are more important than him saying you know how much you mean to me C, or holding me, or kissing me the way he did. I guess in his mind that was the only thing that mattered, the actual words I love you. And I shouldn’t feel so hurt.

But I do.

I hurt.

I’m crying. For everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve had taken from me. Everything I’ve given away. Not just involving K, but in my life.

And I hate it.

Because I thought I was stronger than this.

This stupid girl who fell in love with a man who was using her.

Again.
-Adele/Water Under The Bridge-

Promiscuous Girl You’re Teasing Me You Know What I What And I Got What You Need 

K, I originally wrote this yesterday while waiting to meet my friends for lunch, when my whole WordPress crashed and I lost the entire fucking post. I was choked. So sorry if it’s not as “good” as normal, but I’m really just moody about having to redo it. 😒. 

This morning I met a friend for coffee at a new cafe in our city’s brewery district downtown. It was a cute enough place and all, but it was the location that caught my attention. Last time I was in that exact spot, it was still an empty lot. Well, apart from myself and J. 

J was the last guy I met/slept with before E. He also managed to make it past the “one and done,” mainly because his one was… well it was GOOD! Lol. J was memorable for a few things, the main one being we never had sex in the same spot twice. We were only “friends” for about a month, but you name a place, we fucked there. 

Yes, including the once empty lot in a bustling downtown metropolis which now houses an up and coming urban cafe. 

It was a very cool late winter/early spring night when we went for a walk downtown and, as things are prone to do on a casual walk with your friend with benefits, the topic turned sexual. So sexual, that we decided it was pertinent to deal with things then and there instead of heading home. So we found a somewhat dimly lit place and stripped down to nothing in the backlot to take care of business. 

There are definitely some ups and downs to having sex outside of the bed/ house. For starters, you know when you get really into it and you get all hot and sweaty? Not a problem outside in like March in Canada. Also, the adrenaline alone, of being seen/watched/caught makes the whole experience way more intense. On the flip side? There’s gravel or sand where nothing should ever be, and you thought rug burn was bad? Think road rash. 😵. 

But J and I had fun! He was always making plans for us to do things exciting together. He wanted to be seen out in public with me. We never just chilled at home watching tv or on the couch. J made moves and brought me with him. We had sex outside the club like in the literal doorway of the club while his friend stood “guard”. We messed around in my parking garage on many occasions. He took me to see the lights on the bridge and then we climbed it and…yep we very dangerously screwed up there. 

J had ideas and plans and brought me with him on his journey for the month I knew him. I appreciated that he didn’t just want to come to my house and fuck and then leave. We got out. We did things. We had fun. 

Then it wasn’t enough for me? Or, I don’t even know. But for some unknown reason I was still meeting up with other guys and found E. And for some reason that will never be a good one, I picked E over any of the guys I was messing with, and I was done with J. I was done with being taken out for fun. I was done with a guy wanting to be with me in public and taking me dancing. I had my last opportunity to be driven around in a nice car *I know I said I’ve never dated a guy with a car before, but I don’t count these guys. Unless we had a conversation about being ‘together’ then to me we weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive unless they asked me to be theirs… make sense?

Shit I made a bad decision. Choosing E (among others). Hopefully one I’ve learned from. I’ve learned that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to have fun with me. I don’t want a relationship that’s hidden in the house, since that’s all E and I ever did. E never wanted to go out with me, nor did he have any ideas if we did actually venture out. I want a guy who wants to DO things with me. I want to live life with them. Not sit/lay around the house all day. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Now just to find that guy. 

-Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland/Promiscuous-

Only for Tonight Only for One Night Even Though You Don’t Love Me

My friends… at least the single ones, are constantly coming to me for “dating” advice. And when that happens, I laugh. In the entire history of the world, I’m like the least qualified person to be giving out advice about dating. Getting a guy for a quick fling, sure I’m your girl. But Honey, if your actually seriously about getting with someone long-term… walk away from me lol.

I think co-workers and friends just liked hearing my stories each week about my weekend romps and whatever hilarious guy I was with recently. And I do have a flair for the dramatic when I tell those stories, as well as way too many dick pics to back them up.

Oh, and seriously what is with guys sending out those pics if I haven’t asked for them, which I think I’ve done maybe twice. It’s like a guy thinks if I have given him my number, then I want to see a picture of his junk. SOOO NOT TRUE!  I gave you my number so we could hook up sometime. If I got to the point of giving you my number, than I already plan on sleeping with you, you don’t need to try to “impress” me with your penis. I’ll see it eventually. Ohhh and a heads up (lol, pun intended) it probably won’t be the best dick pic I’ve ever gotten so PLEASE stop sending them. I honestly keep them for a month or two (not even, sometimes it DUA/delete upon arrival lol), and then delete them to make room for pictures of my kids on my phone. I have only 2 dick pics on my phone right now, and they both belong to the same guy so it probably only counts as one. But to be straight up, I never look at them,  or have “used it” while taking care of my business on my own. Like it does not turn me on. But to each their own.

I think some chicks were jealous of the sheer number of guys I was dealing with at certain times. But to be honest ladies, it’s not hard at all. Like if you want dick… it’s out there and pussy has power. So the choice is yours.  I don’t regret the number of guys I’ve fucked, because for the most part I’ve enjoyed them. Sure there’s the odd dud every now and then, but that’s life. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. Would I prefer it to be enjoyed with one person… I think so, which is why I’ve deactivated my online dating accounts. But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming…. Trying to remember who is who can get complicated.

 

Like this screen cap used to be a standard night, before I finally invite one of them over.

 

But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with in the past. It was what I wanted at the time, and made for some good memories.

Because, in messing around with all these guys, I learned so many different techniques and positions and was able to try out so many different sexual experiments that led me to learn what I like, as well as what I don’t. Things that I never would’ve experienced if I had ended up with W. Or even if I had stayed with E. For example I would’ve never found out that I’m a squirter from some older gentleman, while strapped spread-eagle to a bed and blindfolded, while he used his selection of “tools” (Squirting is something, as much as I enjoy, I also find annoying because when I squirt now, I find I’m just thinking about cleaning up the mess instead of enjoying myself) Point is, every “partner” has brought their own style and tricks to the bedroom/couch/table/countertop/floor/shower etc. and I’ve taken the good away from each encounter, and left the bad kissers, tiny dicks, sloppy tongues or whatever behind.

So am I experienced? Yes. Am I willing to try new things? Yes. Should I write a book called Dating for Dummies? Heck no! As noted before, I know nothing about dating, having never been on a “date” before. I have guys over, we have sex, and I try to get them out ASAP. They NEVER spend the night, and it’s even better when they don’t stay around for small chit chat after we’re done. I try and get my point across by getting dressed pretty much as soon as I’m done. Hoping they’ll take the hint… which has been pretty successful so far.

So if you want a “How To” book from me, it would definitely not be one on dating. It would be more along the lines of “How to Master the One Night Stand.”

 

-The Weeknd/Wicked Games-

 

We’ve Grown to Close for that, Fuck a Friend Zone I Know I Ain’t Perfect

So last night, K called again (twice but I was busy the first time around) and after he got off the phone as quickly as possible, I realized the call was similar to one I would’ve had with my mother.

“Tell me about your day” “How are the kids” “Oh you need things like this in your life C” “Good for you C” “I’m happy for you” “Ok well I have to go, I was just calling to check up on you”

And the call was done in like 15 minutes. Reflecting back, this is how our last few phone calls have gone. When I try to talk about how he is, and what’s new with him, he’ll chat for a minute or two and then be like “Woah woah, that’s enough about me, I just called to make sure your ok.” And laying in bed last night it hit me why it bothered me…

I’ve never been friend zoned before. Ever. Let alone by someone I liked. And it almost made me question my feelings for K. Well, it obviously did or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it. Do I like him only because he’s a challenge? Something I’ve never faced before? And what the fuck! I’m the one who originally tried to push K away, multiple times at that lol, like how dare he do this to me. I’m not really that bothered but common, I’m the one who tried ending whatever this was on so many occasions, only to have K pull me back in, then turn around and do this? WTF?

I have always got every guy I’ve gone after. I know that may sound arrogant but thinking about it last night, and trust me I went WAY back, I realized I’ve never been shut down like this.

In high school I never dated anyone, but it’s because I wasn’t interested in any of the guys in my school. To be frank, I most definitely have a “type.” You know your standard tall dark and handsome? Well I like them tall (duh) and dark? For sure, super, super, extra dark if you know what I mean 🙂 Plus, everyone likes handsome lol. But in my school, with a graduating class of over 800 people, there were only 2 black guys. And in my ever so humble opinion, they weren’t handsome (to be kind). So I didn’t have your girly “high school crush” and really had no desire to make anything happen with anyone during those years.

After I met W, who yeah, I was never put in the friend zone with, every guy I picked out, I hooked up with, unless I decided I didn’t want too. On dating sites, or at the club, if I made up my mind that I wanted something to happen with a guy, then I made it happen. I’ve never been turned down ever. I mean probably because I was offering to give out sex like no body’s business, but still, if I wanted it, I got it. And it was in my hands with whom.

But these were only one night stand things, which was what I was looking for at the time. Now that I actually want something more, the feeling of being held at a distance is somewhat infuriating. I feel like I should say a sincere sorry to all the guys I was not so polite to in the past. Guys I judged based solely on skin colour, crappy first liners even bad grammar, then there were lame dance moves or lack or muscle etc… Basically if they didn’t look a certain way, then I wanted nothing to do with them and they didn’t stand a chance right off the bat. Which I understand is VERY hypocritical of me, considering that is something K wants to base a long-term relationship on. Looks. And this is after he has at least gotten to know me.

I would only fuck a guy if he looked a certain way, because hey, I’m only looking at you for one night, let me at least enjoy it. I want your body to at least turn me on somewhat right? I don’t care about your personality or shit like that for a one night stand. I just want a good dick. Where as K wants to look at his chick for life, shouldn’t he enjoy it?

Anyways, I was/am the queen of friend zoning guys. Nope scratch that. I didn’t even put them in the friend zone. I ignore them. I block them. In fact I have more blocked numbers on my phone then my entire contact list. Guys who I’ve fucked and then disposed of like last nights leftovers that went bad. Or guys who had potential, but somewhere between giving out my number and my address, I got a picture of them and changed my mind. Or just felt like sleeping that night instead, or got a more interesting phone call, or any number of reasons that they became annoying and I moved on.

And to be completely honest, K was on my blocked list once too, until somewhere along the line he got a second phone, and called me and said he had memorized my number which was so endearing to me. That and the fact he actually got a prescription for Viagra early on to try to impress me lol. Ended up only giving him a stomach ache which he blamed on my cooking, but the premise was cute.

So why does a guy go out of his way to memorize my number, go to the doctor as a very healthy guy in his late 20’s and complain about erectile dysfunction to attempt longer performance in the sack, among a crap load of other sweet things, now choose to friend zone me?

Probably because I said I won’t get a butt lift lol. And can I blame him? I hate it, for sure, but I am just as shallow as he is, if not more so. Because I judge men on their looks as well. And I don’t even give them a chance. I won’t even meet them if they don’t meet my “standards.” K is talking about having standards for marriage, which is more than I ever did. I married the first guy who popped the question with a god awful purple ring.

Maybe I should gracefully bow out.

But for sure I should rethink my “standards”

 

-G-Easy/Friend Zone-

I Remember All the Feelings and the Day They Stopped

Last summer, after I bought my own house (Yeah me!), I fell back into old habits (Boo me). Like they say, old habits die hard. I hadn’t slept with anyone since I had left E almost 2.5 years ago, since I had more important things to focus on.  So I was just really wanting that feeling of someone else in bed with me. I was looking for a companion… kinda. Nah that’s a lie. Lol I just wanted to be fucked really good. You know that really good sex where you forget everything else that’s happening in the world and its just your body feeling so far beyond sensational you can’t move… That’s what I wanted. I wanted mind blowing sex that would make me forget my crappy life. A lot to ask for from a guy I most likely met 5 minutes before, but I was willing to take on that challenge. So of course I started looking in all the wrong places, which lead me to all the wrong guys. Duh.

With most of the guys I’ve slept with since last summer (2016) I’ve held my hard and fast rule of one and done. We had our one night stand and you were half decent, but it wasn’t the scandalous, mind blowing night I was looking for, so I’m moving on. Most.

But one guy wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was looking for friends and connections too, and it had been a while since he’d slept with someone as well. For reasons very different from mine. K (or C.J./F.P./G… seriously who the fuck needs that many names? Figure out who you are and run with it.) had just gotten out of prison. Yea, I know how to pick ’em hey. But for real, I don’t judge anyone on anything. I have my own messed up past, who am I to judge.

Anyways we hooked up for the first time back in August and then somehow it never stopped. He called like a week later and I was honestly surprised to hear from him. He convinced me that for some reason we needed each other at that time. Then the calls continued and I started enjoying the late night chats. Then the meet ups became more and more frequent. We have both been through a shit ton of crap in our respective lives and it’s like we could understand each other without judgement. I thought.

We went out one time together in October. I had gotten tickets from work to an Opera and K agreed to go with me. Ohhhh that night. lol. I put way more effort into it then it was worth. At this time I had considered a relationship with K, but he was adamant about it only being a friends with benefits type thing. Which he told me flat out at the beginning. I was totally cool with that, but I was getting attached. It’d been so long since a guy had treated me with any type of kindness and I completely let unwarranted emotion overrun me. In more recent months, when I think about it, I realize the fruitlessness of K and I ever being anything long-term, but back then, I was still in the mindset of anything was better then nothing.

So at the Opera, I was actually really excited to spend the night with him and to see how it went. K, on the other hand was super nervous. Let’s just say he’s not the Opera type. He’d just spent 4.5 years in prison, and before that it’s not like he lived in the classy suburbs and frequented upper class shit like this. I didn’t either, but I think I was a little more prepared then him. He was so concerned about being the only black person there and felt so uncomfortable that he never even noticed how I had bought a new dress or straightened my hair, or any of the things about me that night.

So, I tried to make him feel at ease, stopping for food for him, even though it was going to make us late, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Giving him a hand job during the performance. Making sure he had a couple drinks to relax, even though it was against his parole (not my problem). Then after the Opera, we went for pizza, and messed around outside the pizza joint before he had to head home. And that was my night. To be honest it was fun, even when he was swearing during the Opera and everyone was looking. 😉

Not fun though? Was when I got pregnant around Christmas. It was super stressful for myself and K too I’m sure. I’m already a single mom of 2 kids and although I’m not a fan of abortion, I also am not prepared for a third right now. Some day, maybe. Not now though. K said he would go with me if I wanted to handle it. He said he would be with me the whole time. Turns out I lost it on my own. When I say on my own, I mean it completely alone. K made me PROVE it to him! I had to send pictures to him of my tampon covered in blood. It was a humiliating time. I had awful cramping and just felt like crap, and K just wanted proof. I had to deal with it lying in bed by myself. It wasn’t good. Shortly after, K decided it would be better if we stopped messing around, and were just friends. Fine, whatever. (Every little bit of attitude intended)

So we were just friends. And somewhere during this time, I made an awful mistake and introduced K to my kids. I will always regret this, because my kids love him, and I know how much it will hurt them when he’s done his parole and heads back home. He’s really good with them, and they have so much fun with him, that it hurts me to think about the pain they will go through when he leaves. They have no role model in their dad, and I’m not saying K is a great role model, but he spends time with them and makes them feel special when he’s around, which is more then their father has ever done. Little E wants to call K constantly, and I have to always make excuses about “K is working or busy” And Z is learning about family and always includes K in her list of family. Plus now recently she’s been making a list of who she wants to invite to her 4th birthday party. Yep you guessed it, K made it on the list. Front and center.  I’ve tried talking to K about cutting off this friendship entirely (Something I’ve tried a couple times) to avoid the kids any deeper pain, but he keeps convincing me it’s better to have it for now then nothing at all or something like that. I dunno…

Either way, sometime in Feb/March, our whole platonic friendship plan was thrown out the window again. He came over to watch a movie… and a drink or two was involved, and then clothes were off. Which led to whole emotional (on my part) conversations, and me feeling ridiculous. Because the reason he wanted to be just friends in the first place was because he didn’t feel like he was in a good place for a relationship now. But felt good enough to get back together with an old girlfriend for a few weeks while we were chill. It just brought back all the old feelings of “I’m not good enough” again.

Like seriously what the fuck is so wrong with me that I’m undateable? Whatever.

The whole reason I started this particular post though, was because last night, K called. He said he can’t read my blog anymore. K is the only one in my life I have told about my blog and who knows me personally that reads it. Because we’ve been through enough together, and on my part I just tell him like it is, and he knows most of the junk in my life anyways… He tells me some of the stuff in his life but I also know he keeps a shit ton of it away from me.

Now, apparently, my life is to crappy for him to read. He once told me he would be there for me no matter what, even when he goes back home next year. But now, he can’t even be supportive over the fucking internet let alone from back home. It’s like what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry my shitty life is to difficult for you to READ? Try living it?

I have always been there to support K, even when I didn’t want to. Even when he went through messed up junk I didn’t want to take part in. Because I thought that’s what friends did. I supported him even when he told me about why he went to prison, or even things he didn’t go to prison for. I was there for him during his search to get a job, and his struggles to adjust to life outside prison. I was there for him when he broke up with his girlfriend (although I told him honestly that it was hard for me to be objective in that circumstance because I was glad they broke up). I was there for him when he knew he was going to fail a piss test and thought he was going to get sent back to max. I watched him sleep on my couch for almost an hour to make sure he was still breathing after he had drank bleach to try and alter the urine sample (on the stupid advice of some other chick). All the while thoughts going through my head about what if he dies on my lap. Even simple stuff like going out to buy cables and driving over to boost his car. I’ve tried my best to be a good friend.

But no, he can’t read a post every once in a while. Among many other things I’ve realized. Like cancelling on important banquets he promised (actually promised) to come to. Or agreeing to go to the shooting range only to bail out once he found out other friends would be there. Or May 19… It’s like being seen in public with me is to difficult for him. 

Fine, I don’t want to ask to much of one man. But I thought if anyone could somewhat understand a life with as much pain as mine, it would be K. 

Wrong again.

We may be kindred spirits so to say, but we are not on the same level. 

-Our Lady Peace/Innocent-