I’ve Stopped Breathing, But Completely Aware ‘Cause You’re Giving Me A Million Reasons

I’m getting used to this change. Whatever happened to me. However you feel fit to describe it. I’m getting used to it. With each day that passes it’s become less overwhelming. I’m also learning and discovering more with every minute.

Like the fact that while yes, the main energy I feel is from my friend, who I’ll just reveal now is K, *I’ll come back to this later in the post* I do feel energy from other people too.

I started to recognize this fact on Monday or Tuesday while I was still so boggled down by all that was consuming my mind from this new change. There was so much energy flowing through me and my body was vibrating and I felt like I couldn’t handle it, so I needed to take control of whatever was going on, so I literally shouted, to myself, in my mind, for everything to just back off! Just then, Z, called down the stairs and said “sorry mama’ and so I’m like what now? For what? What happened? And she said, word for word “Sorry mama cause I was helping them too.” And that was it.

She never spilled anything, or was saying sorry because she hit her brother or ANYTHING. But I honestly think that as a child her consciousness was also connected to mine and she “heard” what I said. Maybe kids are still connect to their “source” and are wiser than us in these matters.

Either way, from that moment, things have been much more manageable. I’ve learned that I can “connect” but don’t have to be controlled by this change. I’m learning to decipher energies if you may. I’ve learned that when a feeling of dread comes across me, it most likely means my mom is about to call or text. I’ve learned that when my arms feel like hugging myself, K is about to call me or is trying to connect somehow. I’ve also noticed certain sensations in regards to little E.

I’ve also learned that my learning will be never ending. For some reason I have knowledge that I shouldn’t have. And part of that knowledge is that I will be discovering new things everyday. Some on my own and some imparted from others higher consciousnesses. And I’m good with that. I’ve found peace with it. In fact I enjoy it because it gives me an even bigger sense of purpose, just knowing that everyday will quite literally bring something new. All I have to do is take a moment, perhaps close my eyes and focus. And that’s when things start to happen. Like I went for a massage yesterday (because, well it’s been a stressful week lol) and while I’m laying there I had so many revelations about everything from why a certain local company had a specific phone number (which I called to verify after… turns out I was right) to why my biological dad cheated on my mom. Which I didn’t call to verify.  But it’s like that Foo Fighters song, The Sky is a Neighborhood. The sky representing higher consciousness, and if you’re connected into it, like if your part of the neighborhood, you can literally just go around and have conversations with whomever you want. Do you realize all the knowledge that’s available to you in your own head! In your own conscious! Yes I know the song is actually about how so many musicians have died, but you have to think  outside the box…think higher!

I’ve learned that even though I can meet with others higher self, that they might not be aware of, I cannot manipulate them as they still ultimately make their own decisions, although I would never want to. Which brings me back to K.

Originally I didn’t want to share who my “friend” was. Not because I was embarrassed by him. Never. I am proud to say I love K. I would say it in front of anyone and everyone. From my family to his family to a judge. Anyone. But because I didn’t know if he would want to be a part of this story, I initially left him out. And even throughout the week, I would never bring it up with him. HE would always be the one asking me if I sensed him calling (yes) He would ask if I felt him thinking about me (yes). But I don’t want him thinking I’m trying to manipulate him. I want to share whats happening with me, yes, but not in a way that makes him think I’m trying to twist his world.

But unfortunately, this is my story. And even as I start to type this, I feel my arms trying to hug me and I feel my chest being squeezed in the way only K holds me, and I know he’s trying to stop me from doing this, because of the, not necessarily pain it will bring him, but confusion it will cause. But I’m learning I still have to separate my thoughts from others and stand for myself.

Because K in his human form is still not sure if he loves me. Or maybe he is, but perhaps he is embarrassed by it. I’m not the kind of girl he ever pictured himself with. I don’t check all his physical boxes. I don’t have a certain look. I don’t live in a certain place. I didn’t grow up in a certain way. So unfortunately… K is still not sure about his feelings for me. He is maybe embarrassed that his ex knows he said he loved me. Possibly because he’d been considering getting back together with her. Things were never really resolved with her when he went to prison, therefore they were never really resolved when he met me. He hasn’t even seen her since they “broke-up” although from what I understand it happened while he was behind bars so that’s not really fair to him or her I guess.  He has no closure.

So maybe he’s not sure he wants to have me by his side. How would that look to all his people. How would that hurt his image. How would our lives fit as one? He can’t see it. He doesn’t know if he even wants to imagine it.

If he needs his time to figure things out, I have to allow him that. And I will. He hasn’t asked for it. But I’ll give him the time. I’ll back way off.

When he decides, it better be noticeable though. Because so far he’s said I love you, we have more than just sex it’s the best sex ever. And I feel his love. So when he decides to be all in, I need him to say it. None of this “you know how I feel” junk.

My soul is my soul. In all my lifetimes, my soul will be the same. And his soul will be the same amazing soul it is.

K will always be my King. So, if he chooses right now that I’m not his Queen. I’m okay with that. Because I have the knowledge that eventually we will be together. Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll have an outer shell aka body he’ll find more desirable, although it might be another million years before we meet again. Ha and maybe we’ll be two damn dung beetles for all we know lol. But I know it will happen. And however disheartening that may be, the fact I might have to wait, I know that he is mine and I am his. So I can wait.

Yeah. A million years. I can wait.

I’ve seen the peace and I have the knowledge, and I know I can wait.

Don’t think it’t pathetic. I wouldn’t mope around longing after him. I will live my best life, knowing that one day we will be together. Would it be better if it were sooner? Of course. But I’ve also learned that we all control our own path in this life. So I will choose happiness. Yes I choose K. But I will choose happiness while I wait for K to also choose me.

Even if I wait a million years.

Or a million lifetimes.


-Lady Gaga/Million Reasons-

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Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I'm literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can't pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I've heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I'm feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I've been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could've called he would've and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I'm very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… 'no strings attached' and how he said he wasn't going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn't called anyone! I'm actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don't give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he's ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn't give out that information.

So I'm literally no better than I was before.

I spent an entire two days trying to 'move on' even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM's me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn't promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you're potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he'd 'behave' of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don't mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would've been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn't MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It's definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights already?
Why can't I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there's J who I haven't even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I've made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I've got going on.

-Usher/Yeah-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

If I Got Locked Away And We Lost it All Today Tell Me Honestly, Would You Still Love Me The Same?

He called. 

Finally. Right in the middle of my Canada Day family gathering with everyone over at my place. On a line where I could barely hear anything, but it didn’t matter because he called. 

So I can put to rest some imaginary situations my very active mind had thought up in the last few days, and just appreciate the call for now. Just enjoy the fact that even though it took 4 days, he’s been going through way more during the last little while than I have, yet he still managed to ask how little E and Z were doing. 

The call was super quick since I was hosting dinner for about 16 people in my tiny townhouse, and there wasn’t much spare quite time, but I asked him how he was and to see if he was ok. He was honest and said it fuckin sucked… not that I expect anything different. I don’t expect him to be thrilled to be there, living the dream type thing. Mainly I want to make sure he’s safe, so to hear his voice, and to hear him say that yeah it sucks, tears me apart inside because I know it must be awful, and that I can’t do anything to help makes it even worse. 

But on the other hand, the other very selfish hand… I’m elated that he called. Because the worst thought that crossed my mind was what if he doesn’t call? What if either he was using me and this is his way out? Because I can’t track him down and have no way of finding him one day so if he was done with me this was his perfect opportunity to “ghost” me. Or he wasn’t using me, but still decided he was done because wanted a fresh start after his warrant was up, same outcome, he could’ve easily not contacted me, and I wouldn’t have been able to track him down, so it would have been the end. 

So, I’m just happy he called. Because now I can put those things behind me. Plus I got to hear his laugh. Now, hopefully I can be a better conversationalist next time he calls, instead of having to hang up after a few short minutes because I have company. 
-R. City/Locked Away-

To Be in Love With Someone Who Could Never Love You

Have you ever been in a relationship or just a friendship where you felt like they were your everything and you were just ‘something’ to them… at best? 

Or where you can’t be with them because of dumb or made up reason and you find yourself always having to contain your feelings/emotions for them because you know how you feel for them won’t be reciprocated? 

So you go around day after day, pretending that how your friendship, as it stands, is enough for you when deep inside your screaming for more, but at the same time worried to push for what you want because then you might lose the little that you have. 

It’s infuriating. To love someone who doesn’t love you. 

It’s embarrassing. To want someone so much. 

It’s degrading. To continually be pushed aside. 

It’s humiliating. To feel like I still want more despite all this. 

It’s just fucken annoying. That I have so much more to say, yet can’t say it to the person that matters. For fear of losing it all. 
-Frank Ocean/Bad Religion-

We’ve Grown to Close for that, Fuck a Friend Zone I Know I Ain’t Perfect

So last night, K called again (twice but I was busy the first time around) and after he got off the phone as quickly as possible, I realized the call was similar to one I would’ve had with my mother.

“Tell me about your day” “How are the kids” “Oh you need things like this in your life C” “Good for you C” “I’m happy for you” “Ok well I have to go, I was just calling to check up on you”

And the call was done in like 15 minutes. Reflecting back, this is how our last few phone calls have gone. When I try to talk about how he is, and what’s new with him, he’ll chat for a minute or two and then be like “Woah woah, that’s enough about me, I just called to make sure your ok.” And laying in bed last night it hit me why it bothered me…

I’ve never been friend zoned before. Ever. Let alone by someone I liked. And it almost made me question my feelings for K. Well, it obviously did or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it. Do I like him only because he’s a challenge? Something I’ve never faced before? And what the fuck! I’m the one who originally tried to push K away, multiple times at that lol, like how dare he do this to me. I’m not really that bothered but common, I’m the one who tried ending whatever this was on so many occasions, only to have K pull me back in, then turn around and do this? WTF?

I have always got every guy I’ve gone after. I know that may sound arrogant but thinking about it last night, and trust me I went WAY back, I realized I’ve never been shut down like this.

In high school I never dated anyone, but it’s because I wasn’t interested in any of the guys in my school. To be frank, I most definitely have a “type.” You know your standard tall dark and handsome? Well I like them tall (duh) and dark? For sure, super, super, extra dark if you know what I mean 🙂 Plus, everyone likes handsome lol. But in my school, with a graduating class of over 800 people, there were only 2 black guys. And in my ever so humble opinion, they weren’t handsome (to be kind). So I didn’t have your girly “high school crush” and really had no desire to make anything happen with anyone during those years.

After I met W, who yeah, I was never put in the friend zone with, every guy I picked out, I hooked up with, unless I decided I didn’t want too. On dating sites, or at the club, if I made up my mind that I wanted something to happen with a guy, then I made it happen. I’ve never been turned down ever. I mean probably because I was offering to give out sex like no body’s business, but still, if I wanted it, I got it. And it was in my hands with whom.

But these were only one night stand things, which was what I was looking for at the time. Now that I actually want something more, the feeling of being held at a distance is somewhat infuriating. I feel like I should say a sincere sorry to all the guys I was not so polite to in the past. Guys I judged based solely on skin colour, crappy first liners even bad grammar, then there were lame dance moves or lack or muscle etc… Basically if they didn’t look a certain way, then I wanted nothing to do with them and they didn’t stand a chance right off the bat. Which I understand is VERY hypocritical of me, considering that is something K wants to base a long-term relationship on. Looks. And this is after he has at least gotten to know me.

I would only fuck a guy if he looked a certain way, because hey, I’m only looking at you for one night, let me at least enjoy it. I want your body to at least turn me on somewhat right? I don’t care about your personality or shit like that for a one night stand. I just want a good dick. Where as K wants to look at his chick for life, shouldn’t he enjoy it?

Anyways, I was/am the queen of friend zoning guys. Nope scratch that. I didn’t even put them in the friend zone. I ignore them. I block them. In fact I have more blocked numbers on my phone then my entire contact list. Guys who I’ve fucked and then disposed of like last nights leftovers that went bad. Or guys who had potential, but somewhere between giving out my number and my address, I got a picture of them and changed my mind. Or just felt like sleeping that night instead, or got a more interesting phone call, or any number of reasons that they became annoying and I moved on.

And to be completely honest, K was on my blocked list once too, until somewhere along the line he got a second phone, and called me and said he had memorized my number which was so endearing to me. That and the fact he actually got a prescription for Viagra early on to try to impress me lol. Ended up only giving him a stomach ache which he blamed on my cooking, but the premise was cute.

So why does a guy go out of his way to memorize my number, go to the doctor as a very healthy guy in his late 20’s and complain about erectile dysfunction to attempt longer performance in the sack, among a crap load of other sweet things, now choose to friend zone me?

Probably because I said I won’t get a butt lift lol. And can I blame him? I hate it, for sure, but I am just as shallow as he is, if not more so. Because I judge men on their looks as well. And I don’t even give them a chance. I won’t even meet them if they don’t meet my “standards.” K is talking about having standards for marriage, which is more than I ever did. I married the first guy who popped the question with a god awful purple ring.

Maybe I should gracefully bow out.

But for sure I should rethink my “standards”

 

-G-Easy/Friend Zone-

Any Girl Like You Deserves a Gentleman 

I want to be taken on a date.

A real honest to goodness date. Where I spend time showering, shaving, exfoliating, and lotioning every inch of my body. Then spending close to an hour delicately diffusing my hair so the curls are just right. Next carefully applying more makeup then the standard routine including contacts and falsies. Only to stand in front of my closet in nothing but my underwear for a solid 25 minutes deliberating on what to even try on before rejecting the first 6 outfits I attempt, even though I had something prepared in advance that I decided last minute wasn’t good enough. So that the final result looks nothing like I do on a day to day basis, but hopefully enough to wow my man. All the while with butterflies in my stomach… until I hear the doorbell ring, then those butterflies turn into dinosaurs practicing karate. And when I open it, there he is. Standing looking handsome as always and smelling so good with flowers he took thoughtful time to pick out, and a beautifully written card that I don’t open until later, but end up saving forever.

He leans in and greets me with a kiss and I say the standard “2 more minutes” and rush around to find a vase for the flowers and my heels then do one last final makeup check in the mirror before he offers me the crook of his arm and leads me to his car. Once at the car, he opens my door (swoon) and makes sure I’m in ok before closing it and while he goes to his side I arrange myself in the most flattering way possible and take a deep breath to compose myself.

He comes up with great conversation on the way to the restaurant where he made reservations for us in the private table in the back (I know, I know, now this is just getting way out there lol) and proceeds to take my coat for me and hang it up as well as push my chair in for me.

We go over the menu together while he throws in a few hilarious stories about his day, since he always knows how to make me laugh, and the dinner goes so smooth. There’s no awkward pauses or weird moments where we mishear each other. I don’t have to explain the menu to him. I’m not ever embarrassed by his behaviour or his clothes or how he treats the staff, because he is a gentleman, to both myself and those around him.

We might have a couple drinks with dinner, but I don’t have to worry that he’s had to much because he knows how to handle himself, and knows he has precious cargo in his vehicle that he would never put at risk.

After we’re finished dinner he insists on paying and then he takes me for a walk in the river valley. Where I can just sense that his intentions are not the same as most guys. You know the type. Where they are looking for the dark shadowy place just to get some, or wanna head back to my place asap.  But he sincerely wants to walk and spend time with me (What??!?) And so all he does is hold my hand, and once in a while slightly rub his thumb along my hand when the moment calls. But our conversation never falters. The intensity is high and the connection is deep. And we both feel it. Enough so that when he finally takes me home and kisses me goodnight at the door… it’s enough for now. Because we know it’s not the last time. I don’t feel like I owe him sex, and he doesn’t push for it. Because the evening was perfect as is.

I don’t know what this feels like. Because I’ve never been on a “date” like this. Well obviously not like this because this is pure imagination and made for movies lol. But I’ve never even had a guy pick me up at my house before and take me to dinner. In fact I’ve never been with a guy who owned a functional car. E didn’t get one until we were almost married. And everyone else… well just no cars in the picture, so I drove all the time. I’ve never had reservations made for me, that I didn’t make myself. In fact I’ve never really been out to a nice dinner with a guy. We mostly just ordered in or done the fast food thing.  I’m turning 30 this year, been married with two kids and almost divorced and haven’t been on a proper date.

But here’s to dreaming.


-Shawn Mendes/Treat You Better-

Are You Afraid Of Being Alone Cause I Am, I’m Lost Without You

Would I be okay alone? This question has crossed my mind too much recently, and too answer honestly, of course I would be okay. But I wouldn’t thrive.

You see even when you are in a relationship, you are destined to be alone at some points in your life. Most in fact, but it’s the knowledge that someone is doing life with you that helps. It’s when you roll over in bed and feel where the bed dips down because that’s their spot. It’s when you sit on a chair that’s still warm and know they must’ve just been around recently. It’s when you feel a breeze in the air when they walk by, even without a word, but you feel their presence. It’s when your coffee is made in the morning with a little note after they’ve let for work, or your lunch is packed in the fridge for the day. It’s when the laundry is folded and put away in the drawers so magically. It’s when you smell their cologne from down the hall.  It’s when you hear the garage door open and know they made it home from work safely. It’s when they call and you see their picture come up on your phone and you smile, even if your fighting, because they, just as they are, make you smile. It’s when you see the half eaten pack of muffins that was supposed to last all week, but is gone in a night, that you just adjust and buy more next time. It’s when you notice the lawn is cut or the sidewalks shoveled. All without you actually being with them.

Or more intimately, it’s when they stand behind you and kiss your neck right below your ear because they’ve learned after kissing you everywhere and paying close attention to your response that that’s what you like the best. It’s when they whisper in your ear… and see the shivers rise on your arms, that you know even though you could survive alone, you don’t want to. You don’t want to, because you want to be with them. Because life is more… phenomenal, more beautiful, yet somehow more simple with that person.

So yes, I could be alone and be fine. But what’s the point of fine? We were made for more than “fine.” I want unprecedented, astounding, something that makes other people jealous yet happy for us at the same time. I don’t want to be fine. I don’t want to be just ok. I want what I’ve described, and even though I’ve been married, I’ve never had most these things. I know, I know, what did I marry E for? Haha I’m still trying to figure that out.

But until I find someone who wants something rare like I do… I’ll be okay. Plain and simple okay.


-Blink 182/I’m Lost Without You-