Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called. A couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

Advertisements

Hey Big Spender Spend A Little Time With Me

My last couple days have been super productive. Although you wouldn’t know it here since I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve just been feeling a big push to get a bunch of stuff done before the big return to school and just everything that fall brings.

So with that said, this past weekend I feel like I spent every dollar I had to my name! It started when I took little E back to school shopping. Albeit he was far from the problem. In the morning we went through his drawers to get a better sense of what he already had, what fit and what needed to be donated. After he tried on every bottom he owned we discovered that after wearing shorts all summer, none of his jeans/long pants fit anymore (seriously child just stop growing already). So we made a mental note of what we would need and arranged to meet E at the mall. E had just gotten off of work and still needed help with getting flights to Kenya so I figured we could just kill two birds with one stone.

I asked E to take Z and check out a travel agent while at the mall since he informed me that he still hadn’t found flights online (apparently “The Google” was to complicated for him), so E & Z went off and little E and I started our shopping. Little E? Not a fan of shopping. He was nice about it, and not annoying, but every time I suggested something, he would say no thanks, I don’t need it. I did manage to get him to try on a few pairs of jeans and bought 3 that fit. But even when it came to running shoes, I was planning on buying him 2 new pairs, one for indoor at school and one new one pair just to have for everyday use. But little E was insistent on just buying one pair for indoor shoes, saying the pair he’s using now was good enough and that I should “save my money’… So I’m not sure if I should be proud of what I’ve taught him about money/budgets or embarrassed that he thinks I need to save my money? In the end though, as far as school stuff, he ended up with a few pairs of pants, his new Nikes (tradition) and a backpack that in my opinion looks to big but little E loves because who doesn’t love Under Armour? As well as the standard new socks and a couple shirts.

So if that wasn’t enough, in waltzes E letting me know he found a flight. So off we go to pay for an overly inflated flight because it’s through a travel agency and y’all know they have to take their huge cut off the top. But hey it’s E’s decision since he’s paying me back for every cent of that flight. So I drop near three grand on E’s flights (Hey Big $pender) and he headed off this past Sunday to put his Father to rest. And me being how I am, sent him a sms this morning reminding him that today his child support is due today as well as the rest of the money for the flight, because life goes on for the living.

So then, because I guess I felt that the cash I spent on Saturday wasn’t enough or something, I went on Sunday and bought a new computer. I don’t know why I say “new” like I have an old one to compare it to lol. I gave my last laptop to my sister N and D when their apartment burned down a couple years ago (shortly when I returned from Kenya) and they pretty much lost everything. When that happened I started them a go fund me page and raised a few grand directly through that page as well as cash and items that were directly donated to them after we realized go fund me took a portion of the money raised. See what a good sister I am? lol. Anyways, so I bought a new desktop computer on Sunday. Partly for myself so I don’t have to continue attempting to do everything required to run my house effectively through my phone, but also, little E will be needed some more experience with computers (and Z too I suppose) since life revolves around them now. I choose a desktop just to eliminate the argument of where is it/can I take it to my room/ why isn’t it charged etc.

So those of you thinking it through… Yes, up until now I’ve almost exclusively written all my posts from my phone (apart from 2 or 3 at work on my lunches). So just think of how much better my formatting and grammar will be when I can actually see the whole screen!!! I’m super excited. The computer is supposed to be delivered tomorrow, but since we head out on Friday for a couple days for my Grandma’s memorial, don’t expect to see a change on here for at least a week. Also if the delivery is late… well sucks to be me, because it will be sitting in my backyard/front step for a week until I get back (even though I was guaranteed delivery yesterday) and common… we all know a new computer won’t last a week in my backyard.

THEN, just because I’m in the money spending mood, I’ve finally figured out where and when I’m going to go on my cruise. I decided, since I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica, that it will be a stop on my cruise. I’ve been doing research on different cruise lines and which ones are best for kids, and how they operate their “kids clubs.”

I found that most cruise lines have the kids clubs grouped ages 3-5/6-8/9-12 which for me I don’t think would work well, since Z takes time to get adjusted to new situations, unless she is with her brother. So if I want to be able to enjoy any time alone, and actually relax on this vacation, I need Z to feel comfortable being left alone in the kids club, which will be much easier if she is allowed to be with little E. After searching the top 5 family friendly cruise lines, I found that Princess Cruise splits their kids so that the kids aged 3-7 are grouped together. So for my family, that would be perfect! They also have a cruise at the beginning of November with a stop in Jamaica, and although it’s slightly more expensive than some of the other cruises I’ve seen, it comes VERY highly recommended. Also I guess their kids programs are a little more science/education based which I know little E will love and they have dance programs for Z which I’m just excited for because she’s my dancing queen.

I haven’t told the kids about this trip yet, and I’m thinking about seeing if I can pull off the whole wake the kids up one morning and tell them were going on vacation that day type thing? I just always thought that would be SO much fun and I know Z would be thrilled, but I am a little worried it would throw little E off his game slightly… I have to  think it though.

Anyways, that’s what’s new with me.

OHH, also I did a closet clean out on Sunday too (like I said I’ve been busy). I’ve lost a fair amount of weight (almost 20lbs) and a majority of my clothes were very ill-fitting now. So I followed the Marie Kon method of choosing to only keep what sparks joy, and here are the results. (No I don’t have a dresser as well, this is absolutely all the clothing I own)

I need someone to start a go fund me page for me now, so I can afford to buy a new wardrobe that fits lol.


-Shirley Bassey/Big Spender-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

Beautiful Girls All Over The World I Could Be Chasing But My Time Would Be Wasted They Got Nothin’ On You Baby

My last 2 days have actually been fantastic. So since my ‘relationship’ with Jenny started almost two weeks ago, I’ve lost over 8 pounds. But even more than that, I’ve just been feeling great. Like more energy and not as tired and just blah. As a result, when my alarm goes off in the morning, I’m totally prepared to get up and start getting ready for the day instead of pressing snooze for what used to be on average 5-6 times… as many times as possible. Like I would literally think through if it was absolutely necessary for me to brush my teeth some mornings just so I could get that coveted 9 more minutes of sleep. No comment on how many mornings I did choose sleep over hygiene, but I’ll admit they were sprinkled in here and there, so my apologies to any co-workers who had to get too close lol. Anyway, now I get up straight away, feeling refreshed, which has led me to spend maybe 5-10 minutes more on myself each morning while doing my hair or make-up or even choosing my outfit. Heck today I’m even wearing heels which I used to do all the time, but for some reason stopped doing it recently.

As it turns out, this added prep time has not gone unnoticed. Yesterday morning, I walked on my break for coffee and I was on the phone with a friend but when I walked in I saw a cute guy at the register and so I smiled, like I do to basically everyone I make eye contact with, because, well human decency. Turns out when I went to order, he had paid for my drink. It made my morning!

Then later last night I received a text from a guy I met a LONG time ago, and he straight up asked me to be his girlfriend like right off the bat. UMMM What?Charles Don’t get me wrong, I am an amazing lady 😉 but I was just shocked. First, because now at 29, this is actually the first time a man had asked me to be his girlfriend (don’t you feel privileged to be part of it lol), but more so because it literally came out of nowhere. I hadn’t even seen/talked/sms’d this guy all year, like it’s been months and now all of a sudden you wanna date me? Not only have I not thought of you once during this time but I don’t find you attractive or see any potential in you whatsoever. So thank you, but no thanks. Also a word to the wise, if you’re planning on asking a chick to be your girlfriend, maybe build up to it… not just a text after months of not speaking… I dunno just sayin’.

Then this morning, I dropped the kids off at day care and this Dad I see maybe once every 2 weeks or so was there. Every time I see him he always makes a big deal of saying good morning or asking how I am, whereas for me, I’m more of a get in get out, the less human interaction that early in the morning the better, type person. Anyways this morning he literally said word for word “Oh my God you look beautiful today”  At first I was shocked, and a little offended, like what? You think I look like trash every other day? (Because let’s face it, that’s most likely the truth lol) But then I just took the compliment for what it was and enjoyed it. It’s amazing how such a genuine comment can make a woman’s day. Then just now, I had to run to the pharmacy during my lunch and then walked to the post office, and I had doors held open for me galore. Even when it was from an awkward distance and I kinda felt like I had to walk quicker so they didn’t have to wait… Those men didn’t mind lol.  Then to top it all off, the guy in front of me in the line at the post office gave me a stamp he had just bought so that I didn’t have to buy a whole pack.

It’s just been a definite confidence booster that’s for sure.

So I knew that even when we had a visitor in the office this morning who felt the need to bring a 50 pack of TimBits (or donut holes for those of you less fortunate non-Canadians) for the 3 of us,  it was worth it for me to not have any. It was worth it for me to stay dedicated to Jenny (lol). Because I’m feeling good. I’m looking good. And other people are noticing.

So why mess with a good thing?


-B.O.B/Nothin’ On You-

 

 

I’m In Love With Your Body Everyday Discovering Something Brand New I’m In Love With The Shape Of You

So yep I’ve lost weight. I successfully completed one week of my new eating style and lost about 6 lbs so not too shabby if I do say so. To keep it real, it wasn’t as difficult as I always assumed it would be. The food was there every day so there was minimal (zero) effort in deciding what I was going to eat everyday, in fact it’s been easier this last week doing my “meal prep” than ever before because it’s all ready to go for me and written out so I literally just read the menu that I stuck on my fridge each morning, grab those items for the day to shove in my purse and off I go. Super simple.

I told myself at the start of this “diet” to at least try one week, and then go from there. And by try,  I mean try hard, like fully dedicate myself to it. So when I found myself scooping my kids homemade ice cream, where normally I would lick the spoon, this time I didn’t even do that. Or like yesterday was July 11th and so all our local 7/11’s were giving away free Slurpee’s so I took my kids to get one, but didn’t get one for myself. I’ve also had to turn down my boss when he would continually bring in breakfast sandwiches for us in the morning which is a habit he’s gotten into lately.

Another thing I totally didn’t plan for is how I would handle my kids. Great mom moment hey, not remembering my kids.  But now that all my meals are taken care of, I have really started slacking on the meal prep for them. I have on the other hand though, been using it as an opportunity to teach my kids how to be a little more self-sufficient in the kitchen, with just simple kid friendly foods. So far little E has mastered fried egg sandwiches, good ol’ mac and cheese, your standard peanut butter and jam, and practiced slicing veggies like cucumber and pepper, among a few other things. He also packs his own lunches every day as one of his chores, although he did that before.  Z has even poured her own cereal in the morning a few times with more of it in the bowl than on the table/floor so that’s always a bonus!  I just explained to them that I will be eating different food for the next little while, but that we can still all eat together. Little E is very understanding and totally cool with whatever. Z doesn’t quite understand the whole premise which I get, it’s a little above her grasp (being only 3 years old), so if she wants some of my food or something, I’ve just been looking for an item that is similar in our cupboards and let her eat that, or let her have a couple bites of mine, no biggie.

Holy cow, our cupboards… We’re going to have so much food that will be unusable soon! I didn’t plan it out well, timing wise.  I definitely should have started a week later or something, so then I could have used up all the food in my pantry before moving on! My kids only eat so much and I’m sure soon things will start expiring if they aren’t used up. So now I’m not eating anything not on my menu from Jenny, and my kids.. well they are kids so they’re appetites are small. I’ll probably call up my sister or some friends tonight to see if they want some free food!

But, outside of those tiny inconveniences, things have been running smoothly. As I said, I’ve lost just over 6 lbs, which is a win in my eyes, so I will dedicate myself to stay on it for the remainder of July and reassess then.

Yay me.


-Ed Sheeran/Shape Of You-

 

I Am Just A Troubled Soul Who’s Weighted To The Ground. Give Me The Strength To Lay This Burden Down

So I went for it.

Today is officially day one of my new “lifestyle”

I stopped pussyfooting around regarding my weight loss and signed up for Jenny Craig. Now don’t laugh (I used to kinda inwardly laugh at people who choose this option, but hear me out). I choose it because after making my standard Pro/Con list in my head about all my different options, I came to realize that food prep is my downfall.

I know myself, I won’t track what I eat, so most “programs” i.e. Weight Watchers were out. I know I wouldn’t hold myself accountable to just a basic app on my phone to monitor my food intake, because common, I’m not that reliable when it comes to writing things down or tracking things, like I just last year starting tracking my period and I’ve had that for like 18 years! I know I won’t make time to go to the gym, because I basically hate it, all the changing/gym clothes/sweaty people/awful music, so that option was out.

Which lead me to Jenny. The go to for middle aged women everywhere lol. (seriously the lady on the phone kept making references to being a middle aged woman and making the choice for yourself after all so many years of failed attempts at other things.. I had to tell her I was only 29 and this was my first choice, and in my head tell myself I’m not going to fail) I choose this option because they prepare your food for you. They prep it for the week, can deliver it to your door, and make up a menu to explain what to eat and when. Seriously it’s the easiest thing for me. I don’t enjoy cooking at all, so after looking at all the options out there, it was a no brainer. I got my first week’s worth delivered last night and (after realizing I had limited freezer space and that it might be an issue from now on), I sorted out my meals for today and, as my kids would say, it was “easy peasy lemon squeasy” I actually felt accomplished and prepared for the day. I also felt a little shocked at the amount of food I’m expected to eat throughout the course of my day. I can 100% confidently say my problem in the past is not that I overeat. I pretty sure my issue is more along the lines of not choosing the “right” foods, as well as my digestion, which thanks to my Naturopath is ever so slowly getting better.

Either way, I’m determined and dedicated to do at least one month on the program, to see how it goes.  Then from there since I’m hoping it goes well, I’ll continue it until my Cruise this fall. (WOO cruise lol). Plus, if when I reach my goal weight on Jenny, they give you half your money back, so that’s a win win if I ever saw one.

But I just wanted to let y’all know I’m excited about this. It’s the first time I’ve ever consciously made a choice on my own to do anything positive/healthy long term for my body.

Although I don’t think I ever learned how to properly care for my body and eat super healthy growing up, I don’t blame anyone for my weight, it’s obviously my body, so it’s my responsibility to treat it properly. That being said, I do my best to silently watch what my kids eat, and teach them that food is used as a tool to give our body energy and fuel, the same way we put gas in a car, we put food in our bodies to keep them going. I remind them that when they are full they can stop, but also try to keep the balance so that they aren’t conveniently full when it comes to veggies lol. When they were younger, I used to serve veggie first, and once that was done, they could eat whatever else was for dinner. That way they got used to finishing their vegetables before anything else, and so far it’s been working good. My kids are both healthy and a very suitable weight for their age/height.

Another contribution to my attitude towards weight loss? I once lost a lot of weight… I looked good. Nope scratch that. I looked amazing. And that’s when I got raped ( I Don’t Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day, Take Me to the Place I Love, Take Me All the Way ). So to say that instance also hasn’t made an impact in how much weight I carry now would be a lie. But I’m ready to move on.

From the fear of men using me.

From the fear of being the best me.

Because I’m going to let anything hold me back.


-Annie Lennox/Little Bird-